Bukhari:V6B61N550
"The Prophet said, ‘It is a bad thing some of you say,"I have forgotten such-and-such verse of the Qur'an." For truly, I have been caused by Allah to forget it. So you must keep on reciting the Qur'an because it escapes faster than a runaway camel.'"
Uh Oh , Muhammad's girlfriend is running away as fast as the Quran is.
Tabari I:321
"When Eve became heavy with her first pregnancy, Satan came to her before she gave birth and said, ‘Eve, what is that in your womb?' She said, ‘I do not know.' He asked, ‘Where will it come out from-your nose, your eye, or your ear?' She replied, ‘I do not know.'"
In Muhammad's version of Bible stories, Eve is now as retarded as a present day Muslim.
Tabari I:279
"It was a tree which made whoever ate from it defecate. But there must be no faeces in Paradise."
Circular logic, but funny.
Tabari I:281
"I heard him swear by Allah unequivocally, ‘As long as Adam was in his right mind, he would never have eaten from the tree. Eve gave him wine and got him drunk. She led him to the tree."
Eve is a master wine maker apparently. She can make a bottle of wine in a less than a day.
Tabari I:267
"And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart."
No comment necessary. This is a genuine quote, by the way.
Bukhari:V1B4N137
"Allah's Apostle said, ‘The prayer of a person who does Hadath (passes urine, stool or wind) is not accepted till he performs ablution.'"
Muslims apparently need a message from G-d in order to tell them to wash their hands after going to the Bathroom. Yuk.
Bukhari:V1B4N139
"I asked Allah's Apostle about a person who imagined they passed wind during prayer. He replied: ‘He should not leave his prayer unless he hears sound or smells something.'"
I thought that most people were able tell whether they themselves broke wind, but the stupidity of Muslims is quite extraordinary. Don't put anything past them.
Bukhari:V1B4N174
"During the lifetime of Allah's Apostle dogs used to urinate and pass through the mosque. Nevertheless they never used to sprinkle water on it."
Dog Piss in a mosque is fine with Muhammad. I wholeheartedly agree.
Tabari I:367
Tell us about Noah's ark.' He said, ‘It was 1,200 cubits long [nearly 4,000 feet] and 600 cubits wide. It had three stories, one for domestic and wild animals, another for human beings, and a third for birds. When the dung of the animals became excessive, Allah inspired Noah to tickle the elephant's tail. He did, and a male and female hog fell down and attacked the dung. When the rat fell down into the seams of the planks of the ark and gnawed at them, Allah inspired Noah to strike the lion between its eyes and a male and female cat came out from its nose and attacked the rat.'"
Ha! two pigs falling out of an elephant's butt. Only Muhammad could make something up this funny.
Tabari II:99
"Abraham was tested with ten Islamic practices: rinsing the mouth, cleansing nostrils with water, trimming the mustache, using a toothstick, plucking the armpit, paring nails, washing finger joints, circumcision, shaving pubic hair, and washing the rear and vulva."
Only Muslims could consider hygiene a test from G-d.
Tabari VI:66
"Umar said, ‘By Allah I was by one of the idols of the Jahiliyyah. An Arab sacrificed a calf to it, and we were waiting for it to be divided up in order to receive a share. I heard coming from the belly of the calf a voice which was more penetrating than any I've heard. The dead calf's belly said, ‘There is no ilah but Allah.'"
Cool, I always ask bellies of dead cows sacrificed to pagan gods for religious advice. So did Umar.
Tabari VI:75
"‘Messenger, how did you first know with absolute certainty that you were a prophet?' He replied, ‘Two angels came to me while I was somewhere in Mecca.... One angel said, "Open his breast and take out his heart." He opened my chest and heart, removing the pollution of Satan and a clot of blood, and threw them away. Then one said, "Wash his breast as you would a receptacle." He summoned the Sakinah, which looked like the face of a white cat, and it was placed in my heart. Then one said, "Sew up his breast." So they sewed up my chest and placed the seal between my shoulders.'"
Why, oh why didn't those angels throw his black heart into the nearest trash receptacle?
Bukhari:V7B71N590
"The climate of Medina did not suit some people so the Prophet ordered them to drink camel urine as a medicine."
My G-d, when do Muslims ever say to themselves "Could Muhammad be dispensing crappy advice?"
Bukhari:V7B71N592
"I heard Allah's Apostle saying, ‘There is healing in black cumin for all diseases except death.'"
I don't need a prophet to tell me that cumin doesn't make one immortal.
Bukhari:V7B71N673
"Allah's Apostle said, ‘If a fly falls in your drink, dip all of it into the cup and then throw it away, for in one of its wings there is a disease and in the other there is healing, an antidote or treatment for that disease.'"
The Islamic version of Healing Teas. Yum.
Qur'an 49:12
"Spy not behind the backs of others. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?"
No thank you. I'll pass on eating my brother's carcass.
Bukhari:V1B3N68
"Muhammad used to take care of us in preaching by selecting a suitable time, so that we might not get bored. He abstained from pestering us with sermons and knowledge."
Good idea. Don't pester Muslims with knowledge. It tends to piss them off.
Muslim:B40N6837
"Allah's Messenger delivered an address, mentioning a camel and a bad person who cut off its hind legs, reciting: ‘When the basest of them broke forth with mischief.' He then delivered instruction saying: ‘There are amongst you those who beat their women. They flog them like slave girls. Then after flogging them like slaves they comfort them in their beds as a result at the end of the day.' He then advised in regard to people laughing at the breaking of wind and said: ‘You laugh at that which you yourself do.'"
HAHAHAHAHAHA No comment. That was toooooo funny.
Bukhari:V3B33N254
"Satan circulates in human beings as blood flows in our bodies."
Speak for yourself, Muhammad.
Tabari II:121
"Gabriel spread out his wings and gouged out their eyes. Gabriel seized Sodom's girdle, snatching it up so high into the sky the angels could hear their dogs. He threw rocks at the laggards, one after the other. There were three towns called Sodom that lay between Medina and Syria. It has been mentioned that there were four million people in the town."
Wow. A town in Arabia four times the size of Rome. Sounds plausible.
Qur'an 86:13
"Lo this (Qur'an) is a conclusive Word; it is not a thing for amusement. It is no pleasantry. And it is no joke."
I thought it was a pretty good joke, Muhammad.
Be more confident and you can make it in the stand up circuit.
Topic: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Read 7870 times)