- A Politically Correct Fairy Tale

[Boyana]

 








Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale



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by Jim Garner

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There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident...

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The Wolf said, "I am happy with and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding and the Wolf both stopped.

"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

originally appeared in "Comic Relief" April, 1993

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[Boyana]

Columbia Daily SpectatorSpecBlogsThe Eye
SpecBlogs NewsroomCommentariatSpectacleDarkroomEditors Notes     « previous postnext post »Once Upon a Retelling: Politically Correct Bedtime Stories by James Finn Garner
share thisThis collection of fairy tales retold in all its politically correct glory, at first refreshing, quickly gets old and cumbersome to read. More of a statement on society’s struggle for politically correctness than creativity, but still original and worth a look.
The short story collection starts out strong with “Little Red Riding Hood”, and one quickly learns what the writer plans to do to every story. Red Riding Hood is not bringing fresh fruit and “mineral water” to her grandmother because it is woman’s work, but because she and her mother are generous and the deed would “engender a feeling of community”. Furthermore, the grandmother is not sick and can take care of herself as a mature adult. When the wolf tells Red Riding Hood that “it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone,” she replies

I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview.

All right then! When I first encountered this, I thought it was clever and witty. Then after I finished the twelve stories in the collection, I felt it was tiresome and lacked the original spark.

The next story, “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, ends with an embrace of alternative lifestyles, namely, nudist.

“The Three Little Pigs” was entertaining with its overtones of imperialism. I would have said it feels like a comment on the present day conflicts, if this book hadn’t been published in 1994. The last sentence feels relevant today:

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone.

Isn’t that better than a “and they lived happily ever after”?

“Rumpelstiltskin” is enjoyable in its way of turning straw into gold (though time gets a little hazy) and what the princess does after the tale.

“The Three Codependent Goats Gruff” felt long winded and the characters changed mid-story. This, “Chicken Little”, and the last story, “The Pied Piper of Hamelin”, were the weakest stories of the collection.

“Rapunzel”’s ending is the only moderately worthwhile portion of the story as the rest of the story follows the fairy tale fairly faithfully (just add a record deal).

“Cinderella” serves a wonderful punch to fashion, though I was amazed there wasn’t a politically correct statement stating that there was nothing wrong with cross dressing. Perhaps nudity’s ok, but gender bending isn’t.

“Goldilocks” is a weak attempt at changing the fairy tale by making Goldilocks into a rogue biologist and while the story has been changed, I couldn’t say it’s better than Willingham’s Goldilocks (interspecies love anyone?).

“Snow White” takes a very ‘ick’ adult turn half way through the ‘feel good’ story, nearly becoming the original version. What was a lecture from Snow White to her stepmother about how to be a beautiful person on the outside, turns into a disgusting prince attempting to rape Snow White while she lies in a dead-like state. (In the original version, she doesn’t wake to a prince’s kiss, but to the labor pains of her twins.)

“The Frog Prince”’s ending is a violent gem with an environmental message that doesn’t feel like it’s crammed down your throat.

Unless it wasn’t obvious, this book is not for reading to the little ones. While “Rapunzel’s Revenge” and “Beauty” are suitable for younger readers, the rest of the books in this reviewed series are meant for more mature readers.

[The One and Only Mo]

 

Hilarious.

[Boyana]

Snow White--Politically Correct
Once there was a young princess who was not at all unpleasant to look at and had a temperament that many found to be more pleasant than most other people’s. Her nickname was Snow White. After her mother’s death, her father, the king asked another wommon to be his queen. Snow white did her best to please her new mother-of step, but a cold distance remained between them.

The queen’s prized possession was a magic mirror that would answer truthfully any question asked it. Now, years of social conditioning in a male hierarchial dictatorship had left the queen very insecure about her own self-worth. Physical beauty was the one standard she cared about now, and she defined herself solely in regard to her personal appearance. So every morning the queen would ask the mirror:


Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Who’s the fairest one of all?”
Her mirror would anwer:


“For all it’s worth, O my queen, Your beauty is the fairest to be seen.”
That dialogue went on regularly until once when the queen was having a bad hair day and was desperately in need of support, she asked the usual question and the mirror answered:


“Alas, if worth be based on beauty, Snow White has surpassed you, cutie.”
At this, the queen flew into a rage. She ordered the royal woodsperson to take Snow White into the forest and kill her. The woodsperson, a kind soul, sadly agreed to these orders, and led the girl, who was actually now a young wommon, into the middle of the forest. He told Snow White of the oppressive and unsisterly order of the queen and told her to run as deeply as she could into the forest.

Snow White ran deep into the woods. Just when she thought she had fled as far as she could form civilization and its unhealthy influences, she stumbled upon a cottage. Inside she saw seven tiny beds, set in a row and all unmade. The beds looked so inviting that the tired youngster curled up on one and immediately fell asleep.

When she awoke several hours later, she saw the faces of seven bearded, vertically challenged men surrounding the bed. She sat up with a start and gasped. One of the men said, “You see that? Just like a flighty woman: resting peacefully one minute, up and screaming the next.”

When Snow White finally regained her senses, she begged, “Please, please don’t kill me. I meant no harm by sleeping on your bed. I thought no one would ever notice.”

“Don’t try to play victim with us, kid!” Snarled one man.

“Yes, we are known as the seven towering giants!” cried another, “And we are dedicated stewards of the earth and live here in harmony with nature. To make ends meet, we also conduct retreats who need to get in touch with their primitive masculine idnetities.”

“So what does that involve,” asked Snow White, “aside from drinking milk straight from the carton?”

“Your sarcasm is ill-advised,” warned the leader of the Seven Towering Giants. “My fellow giants want to get rid of our corrupting feminine presence, and I might not be able to stop them, understand? My men, we must speak our hearts openly and honestly. Let us adjourn to the sweat lodge!”


Meanwhile, back at the castle, the queen rejoiced at the thought that her rival in beauty had been eliminated. She puttered around her boudoir reading Elle and Glamour, and indulged herself with three whole pieces of chocolate without purging. Later, she confidently strolled up to her magic mirro and asked her same, sad question:


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Who’s the fairest one of all?”
The mirror replied,


“Your weight is perfect for your shape and height, But for sheer OOOOMPH!, you can’t beat Snow White.”
At this news, the queen clenched her fists and screamed at the top of her lungs. For years, her insecurities had been eating away at her until now they turned her into someone who was morally out of the mainstream. With cunning and malice, she began to devise a plan to ensure the nonviability of her daughter-of-step.

A few days later, there was a knock on the door of the cottage. Snow White opened the door to find a chronologically giften woman with a basket in her hand. By the look of her clothes, she was apparently unfettered by the confines of regular employment.

“Help a woman of unreliable income, dearie,” she said, “and buy one of my apples.”

Snow White thought for a moment. In protest against agribusiness conglomerates, she had a personal rule against buying food from middlepersons. but her heart went out to the economically marginalized woman, so she said yes. Little did she know this apple was poisoned.

The queen burst into tears.

“Why, what’s the matter?” asked Snow White.

“You’re so young and beautiful.” sobbed the queen. “How do you stay in such perfect shape?”

“Well, I meditate, work out in step aerobics three hours a day, and eat only half-portions of anything placed in front of me. Would youlike me to show you?”

“Oh, yes, yes, please,” said the queen. So they started out with 30 minutes of simple hatha yoga meditation, then worked out on step for another hour. As they relaxed afterward, Snow White cut her apple in half and gave a piece to the queen. Without thinking, the queen bit into it, and both of them fell into a deep sleep.

Later that day, the Seven Towering Giants returned from a retreat in the woods, elaborately decked out in animal skins, feathers, and mud. With them was a prince from a nearby kingdom, who had come on this male retreat to find a cure for his impotence (or, as he preferred to call it, his involuntary suspension from phallocentric activity.) They were all laughing and high-fiving until they saw the bodies stopped short.

“What has happened?” asked the prince.

“Apparently our house guest and this other woman got into some sort of catfight and killed each other,” surmised one giant.

“You know,” said the prince, “this might sound a little sick, but I trust you guys. I find that younger one attractive. Extremely attracitive. Would you fellows mind...um...waiting outside while I...?”

“Stop right there!” said the leader of the giants. “These half-eaten apple pieces, that filthy-costume--this has all the earmarks of some sort of magic spell. They’re not really dead at all.”

“Whew,” sighed the prince, “that makes me feel better. So, could you guys take five and let me...?”

“Hold it, Prince,” said the leader. “Does Snow White make you feel like a man again?”

“She certainly does. Now, could you guys...?”

“Don’t touch her! You’ll break the spell.”

Then the pieces of poisoned apple fell from the mouths of Snow White and the queen, and they awoke from the spell.

“What do you think you’re doing? Put us down!” they shouted. The giants were so startled they almost dropped the womyn to the floor.

“That’s the most sickening thing I have ever heard!” shouted the queen. “Offering us around like pieces of property!”

“And you,” said Snow White to the prince, “trying to make it with a girl in a coma! Yuck!”

There was much shouting and name-calling, but the queen eventually had her way. Before the Seven Towering Giants could be evicted from their home, though, they packed up their sweat lodge and moved deeper into the woods. The prince stayed on at the spa as a cute but harmless tennis pro. And Snow White and the queen became good friends and earned world-wide fame for their contributions to sisterhood. The giants were never heard from again, save for little muddy gootprints that were sometimes found in the morning outside the windows of the spa’s locker room.

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[The One and Only Mo]

    Brilliant.

[Serbian Canadian]

Boyana, this is pretty funny stuff.

[Boyana]

Spunk Library

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Politically Correct Three Little Pigs
Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination.

But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense.

When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fibreglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkelling and dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations.

By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care and affordable housing for everyone. {My note: well it is a fairy tale after all.}

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story.

[Boyana]

Politically Incorrect Dictionary.
The words listed here are words that are no longer usable, or whose meanings have been altered to make them difficult to use. These were all words which could be freely used at some point in US history, but which modern culture is attempting to stamp out.



Broken Home - Replaced by Dysfunctional family.

Bum - Replaced by Homeless Person.Calling a person a "Bum" implies that the person is a moocher that is too lazy to get a job. Referring to him as a "Homeless Person" removes this stigma, and implies that he would be a perfectly normal citizen if only the government would give him a house. (See :State-Socialism)

Crazy - Replaced by the term Mental Illness. And, since it is an illness, it may be treated in the same manner as other diseases - with drugs. Of course, this idea is nothing new ... people have been using drugs to treat depression for centuries.

Criminal - Replaced by behaviorally challenged. This is one change that makes sense. A lot of the people in prisons today are not really "criminals" in the classic sense. Thanks to the "War on Drugs", there are a lot of people in jail because they failed to "behave" properly.

Eastern (As when used when discussing Asian Culture) - Too Eurocentric. Instead, use Africa as your frame of reference. When discussing European culture you should now use the phase "Northern", and when discussing Asia use the phrase "North-Eastern". Now isn't that better?

Factory - Replaced by Plant. The word Factory is a place where mistreated laborers toil long hours to produce pollution that billows forth from gigantic smokestacks. The word Plant is preferred since it is more difficult for this term to carry a negative connotation since this term is also used to describe nature. Its counterpart noun describes plant life (Plants, as in flowers, shrubs, etc). And the Verb form, to plant, is the process of lovingly placing a seed in the ground so it may one day grow into a mighty oak. Who can complain about having a new plant in their backyard?

Failure - Replaced by Deferred Success.

Fairy - Homophobic. Replaced by Petite airborne humanoid which possesses magical powers. The term fairy should be avoided when discussing these mythical beings, regardless of how gay they may appear.

Fat - Replaced by Enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance. Of course, this is very difficult to say in one breath-- so people will find it easier to not say it at all. The term "fat" is simply too short and to direct. It all too clearly points out that the reason that an obese person's skin appears so swollen is because it is being buttressed by large amounts of... well... Fat.

Foreign Food - Replaced by Ethnic Cuisine. The word foreign is generally used when one wishes to refer to something that alien to ones own country -- something that is not normally found within the jurisdiction of your own particular political unit. But with the increasing power of multinational organizations (such as the U.N. and large corporations), nothing can be said to be truly 'foreign' anymore. In a world where you can find a McDonald's in Moscow, a Disneyland in Japan, or a single currency throughout Europe, the word 'Foreign' is losing its meaning.
The word 'ethnic' provides a more accurate way to refer to these cultural traits which are continually growing fainter as we move away from the world of the past, in which different areas of the world were actually unique.

Founding Fathers - Too Sexist. Instead, use the term The Founders. We wouldn't want to exclude all those great female leaders of 18th century America would we?

Garbage Man - Replaced by Sanitation Engineer – A Garbage Man picks up garbage. A Sanitation Engineer engineers it.

Ghetto - Replaced by Economically disadvantaged area. This term is used by politicians who believe money from the Government would solve their problems. (See : State-Socialism)

Girlfriend/Wife - Replaced by Unpaid sex worker

Handicapped - Replaced by Physically Challenged, or even worse, handicapable

Home-ec (Home Economics) - Replaced by Family and Consumer Sciences, and I'm really not sure why. These classes have been taught in school since the early 1900's after Ellen Swallow Richards, an old-time feminist and the first woman to graduate from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, formed the American Home Economics Association in 1909. But I suppose that the reason for the change has something to do with the fact that Home-Ec is generally considered a 'girly' class, and is therefore sexist.

Housewife - Replaced by Domestic Engineer. This is to remove the necessity of marriage from the task of raising children.

Illegal Aliens – Replaced by Undocumented Immigrants. The phrase ‘Illegal Aliens’ implies that these people are a bunch of law-breaking creatures from outer space, while ‘Undocumented Immigrants’ suggests that they are good old-fashioned immigrants that simply have not gone through the hassle of being ‘documented’ yet.

Janitor - Replaced by Custodial Artist. No matter what you call it, this is a person who is paid to clean up [censored].

Jungle - Replaced by Rainforest. A Rainforest is a happy place where Disney characters dance and sing ... a jungle is a scary place with lions, tigers, malaria and natives that want to cut off your head and boil it for dinner... who in their right mind would want to save that!?!

Lumberjack - Replaced by Murderer.

Man’s Job and Woman’s Work - Replaced by Traditional Gender Role. These are basic practices that are followed in one form or another by most of the life forms on this planet, and have been part of human culture for thousands of years… and as with most other ‘traditions’, a lot of people believe that it is time for a change.

Midget - Replaced by Vertically Challenged.

Natural Disaster - replaced by Unnatural Event caused by man's destruction of the environment. Every hurricane, mudslide, and flood sould be blamed on Global Warming, even though these events have been occurring for millions of years. (I'm still waiting for somebody to blame the last Ice Age on the campfires of cavemen)

[censored] - Originally, A negro Slave. Has evolved to mean "A Trashy or devious Negro", but the word has still lost acceptance. (see : White Trash)

Psycho - Replaced by Pathologically High-Spirited

Secretary - Replaced by Administrative Assistant – The word Secretary comes from Latin and means ‘Confidential Officer’ – And for some unknown reason this is a bad thing.

Sex Change - Replaced by gender re-assignment.

Swamp - Replaced by Wetland. Swamps are full alligators, bugs, and disease. If anybody went around saying that we need to "save the swamps", people would think they were out of their friggin' mind!

Trailer Park - Replace by Mobile Home Community.

Ugly - Replaced by Visually Challenging.

White Trash - Losers of European descent. Term still in acceptance, although its counterpart term to describe trash of the negro race is being eliminated.

[The One and Only Mo]

Politically Incorrect Dictionary.
The words listed here are words that are no longer usable, or whose meanings have been altered to make them difficult to use. These were all words which could be freely used at some point in US history, but which modern culture is attempting to stamp out.



Broken Home - Replaced by Dysfunctional family.

Bum - Replaced by Homeless Person.Calling a person a "Bum" implies that the person is a moocher that is too lazy to get a job. Referring to him as a "Homeless Person" removes this stigma, and implies that he would be a perfectly normal citizen if only the government would give him a house. (See :State-Socialism)

Crazy - Replaced by the term Mental Illness. And, since it is an illness, it may be treated in the same manner as other diseases - with drugs. Of course, this idea is nothing new ... people have been using drugs to treat depression for centuries.

Criminal - Replaced by behaviorally challenged. This is one change that makes sense. A lot of the people in prisons today are not really "criminals" in the classic sense. Thanks to the "War on Drugs", there are a lot of people in jail because they failed to "behave" properly.

Eastern (As when used when discussing Asian Culture) - Too Eurocentric. Instead, use Africa as your frame of reference. When discussing European culture you should now use the phase "Northern", and when discussing Asia use the phrase "North-Eastern". Now isn't that better?

Factory - Replaced by Plant. The word Factory is a place where mistreated laborers toil long hours to produce pollution that billows forth from gigantic smokestacks. The word Plant is preferred since it is more difficult for this term to carry a negative connotation since this term is also used to describe nature. Its counterpart noun describes plant life (Plants, as in flowers, shrubs, etc). And the Verb form, to plant, is the process of lovingly placing a seed in the ground so it may one day grow into a mighty oak. Who can complain about having a new plant in their backyard?

Failure - Replaced by Deferred Success.

Fairy - Homophobic. Replaced by Petite airborne humanoid which possesses magical powers. The term fairy should be avoided when discussing these mythical beings, regardless of how gay they may appear.

Fat - Replaced by Enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance. Of course, this is very difficult to say in one breath-- so people will find it easier to not say it at all. The term "fat" is simply too short and to direct. It all too clearly points out that the reason that an obese person's skin appears so swollen is because it is being buttressed by large amounts of... well... Fat.

Foreign Food - Replaced by Ethnic Cuisine. The word foreign is generally used when one wishes to refer to something that alien to ones own country -- something that is not normally found within the jurisdiction of your own particular political unit. But with the increasing power of multinational organizations (such as the U.N. and large corporations), nothing can be said to be truly 'foreign' anymore. In a world where you can find a McDonald's in Moscow, a Disneyland in Japan, or a single currency throughout Europe, the word 'Foreign' is losing its meaning.
The word 'ethnic' provides a more accurate way to refer to these cultural traits which are continually growing fainter as we move away from the world of the past, in which different areas of the world were actually unique.

Founding Fathers - Too Sexist. Instead, use the term The Founders. We wouldn't want to exclude all those great female leaders of 18th century America would we?

Garbage Man - Replaced by Sanitation Engineer – A Garbage Man picks up garbage. A Sanitation Engineer engineers it.

Ghetto - Replaced by Economically disadvantaged area. This term is used by politicians who believe money from the Government would solve their problems. (See : State-Socialism)

Girlfriend/Wife - Replaced by Unpaid sex worker

Handicapped - Replaced by Physically Challenged, or even worse, handicapable

Home-ec (Home Economics) - Replaced by Family and Consumer Sciences, and I'm really not sure why. These classes have been taught in school since the early 1900's after Ellen Swallow Richards, an old-time feminist and the first woman to graduate from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, formed the American Home Economics Association in 1909. But I suppose that the reason for the change has something to do with the fact that Home-Ec is generally considered a 'girly' class, and is therefore sexist.

Housewife - Replaced by Domestic Engineer. This is to remove the necessity of marriage from the task of raising children.

Illegal Aliens – Replaced by Undocumented Immigrants. The phrase ‘Illegal Aliens’ implies that these people are a bunch of law-breaking creatures from outer space, while ‘Undocumented Immigrants’ suggests that they are good old-fashioned immigrants that simply have not gone through the hassle of being ‘documented’ yet.

Janitor - Replaced by Custodial Artist. No matter what you call it, this is a person who is paid to clean up drek.

Jungle - Replaced by Rainforest. A Rainforest is a happy place where Disney characters dance and sing ... a jungle is a scary place with lions, tigers, malaria and natives that want to cut off your head and boil it for dinner... who in their right mind would want to save that!?!

Lumberjack - Replaced by Murderer.

Man’s Job and Woman’s Work - Replaced by Traditional Gender Role. These are basic practices that are followed in one form or another by most of the life forms on this planet, and have been part of human culture for thousands of years… and as with most other ‘traditions’, a lot of people believe that it is time for a change.

Midget - Replaced by Vertically Challenged.

Natural Disaster - replaced by Unnatural Event caused by man's destruction of the environment. Every hurricane, mudslide, and flood sould be blamed on Global Warming, even though these events have been occurring for millions of years. (I'm still waiting for somebody to blame the last Ice Age on the campfires of cavemen)

schvartza - Originally, A negro Slave. Has evolved to mean "A Trashy or devious Negro", but the word has still lost acceptance. (see : White Trash)

Psycho - Replaced by Pathologically High-Spirited

Secretary - Replaced by Administrative Assistant – The word Secretary comes from Latin and means ‘Confidential Officer’ – And for some unknown reason this is a bad thing.

Sex Change - Replaced by gender re-assignment.

Swamp - Replaced by Wetland. Swamps are full alligators, bugs, and disease. If anybody went around saying that we need to "save the swamps", people would think they were out of their friggin' mind!

Trailer Park - Replace by Mobile Home Community.

Ugly - Replaced by Visually Challenging.

White Trash - Losers of European descent. Term still in acceptance, although its counterpart term to describe trash of the negro race is being eliminated.

[Boyana]

Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

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From the GCF Archives

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To all my Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;

PLUS

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or choice of computer platform.

(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

To all my Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[The One and Only Mo]

Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

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From the GCF Archives

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To all my Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;

PLUS

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or choice of computer platform.

(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

To all my Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[Boyana]

http://www.eadon.com/comment/pcorrect.php

 

[Boyana]

Politically correct dating

For your education:)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating
Guide by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf.

Date: 26 Mar 1995 18:12:04 -0500
From: [email protected] (AmGenSoc)

DATING DON'TS AND DON'TS

A Handy Checklist for the Politically Correct 90s
Here, just in time for spring, is a list of things that are now
against the rules, according to the the sex-and-dating police. Read --
and memorize -- this information to avoid lawsuits, dismissal from
work, expulsion from school -- or worse!

LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and
more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors"
distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park.

STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of
"sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland
caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools." (Others are
MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.")

ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official
Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and
Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love
story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play rewritten
to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to have it banned
altogether.)

EXCESSIVE EYE-CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor
Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a
female student.

INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College in
New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye-contact
with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a
biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel
discouraged and/or physically threatened."

RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss, and
her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment,
according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term
for this underpublicized offense: "receptive noninitiation."

FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the
University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a
pernicious form of sexual discrimination.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education
discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that
such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist."

HAMBURGERS. Jeremy Rifkin, author of Beyond Beef, notes that "the
statistics linking domestic violence and quarrels over beef are both
revealing and compelling."

SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR. And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former
editor of Ms.: If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to
initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist"
sense of the term -- guilty of assault.
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[~Hanna~]

There is a great cartoon with Bugs Bunny called "Dating Do's and Dont's".