Tonight is my stepfather's second Yartzeit and tomorrow is my 23rd birthday

[The One and Only Mo]

We just lit the candle for my Stepfather's Neshama. I can't believe it's already been two years since the brain tumor ended his life. The first year was extremely difficult on me. Sometimes the pain was so unbearable I debated ending my own life. My thoughts ran rampant every second for the first year after he died as I kept playing back in my head the last few moments before he left this world. The image still doesn't leave my mind, but at least I'm not haunted by it every waking second. I still remember the smell of the hospital room and the damp, cold feeling in the air as he lay there in the bed taking his last few breaths. I didn't know he was dying right then and there, but I held his hand and told him I loved him. I left the room, and they came and got me a few minutes later with the news that he was gone. Dead. The man who raised me for thirteen years, the man whom I fought with, studied with, played ball with, came to for guidance, education approval, and recognition was no longer going to be there for me. Sure, we fought a lot, but we built a relationship. All the years of fighting made our love real, because unlike biological relatives, we had to make it work on our own. From scratch. And we did.
As excruciatingly painful as the first year after his death was, it wasn't as painful this year. I still think about him a lot. I have the odd dream or nightmare. I miss him like hell and still feel pain, but it's a different kind of pain. But I've learned to accept the pain and I feel like I've established a relationship with him as soul. I guess nobody ever gets over a loved ones death, but we just get used to it.
My stepfather taught me a lot of things from math to swimming to bar mitzvah lessons to how to put on tefilin etc. but the most important thing I learned from him was that just because two people do not share the same blood doesn't mean they can't share the same love for one another as biological relatives.
May we merit the coming of Mashiach B'mheira V'yameinu and may we share only simchas.

[muman613]

Mo, I think I know how you feel. Its been one year since my father passed {On January 8, 2010 [22nd of Tevet]} and although I was not present when he passed, I visited him one week before his passing {On News Years eve 2009}.

I also am looking at the prospect of my step-father dying shortly because he has been struggling with cancer for the last five years and although it went into remission, it has begun to grow again...

Death is not an easy thing for us mortals to deal with. Our own mortality is scary and we try to ignore it for most of our lives. I too once believed I would live forever... But now that I just turned 46 I realize that the bulk of my lifetime is behind me and I can only look forward to the kever.

During the week I was with my father I studied the Book of Ecclesiasties which contained some of my fathers most favorite wisdom. This book is not cheery, and some think it is downright depressing, but I gained strength in reading it.

http://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/16462

1. The words of Koheleth son of David, king in Jerusalem.         א.
2. Vanity of vanities, said Koheleth; vanity of vanities, all is vanity.         ב.
3. What profit has man in all his toil that he toils under the sun?         ג.
4. A generation goes and a generation comes, but the earth endures forever.         ד.
5. The sun rises and the sun sets, and to its place it yearns and rises there.         ה.
6. It goes to the south and goes around to the north; the will goes around and around, and the will returns to its circuits.         ו.
7. All the rivers flow into the sea, yet the sea is not full; to the place where the rivers flow, there they repeatedly go.         ז.
8. All things are wearisome; no one can utter it; the eye shall not be sated from seeing, nor shall the ear be filled from hearing.         ח.
9. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.         ט.
10. There is a thing of which [someone] will say, "See this, it is new." It has already been for ages which were before us.         י.
11. [But] there is no remembrance of former [generations], neither will the later ones that will be have any remembrance among those that will be afterwards.         יא.
12. I am Koheleth; I was king over Israel in Jerusalem.         יב.
13. And I applied my heart to inquire and to search with wisdom all that was done under the heaven. It is a sore task that G-d has given to the sons of men with which to occupy themselves.         יג.
14. I saw all the deeds that were done under the sun, and behold, everything is vanity and frustration.         יד.
15. What is crooked will not be able to be straightened, and what is missing will not be able to be counted.         טו.
16. I spoke to myself, saying, "I acquired and increased great wisdom, more than all who were before me over Jerusalem"; and my heart saw much wisdom and knowledge.         טז.
17. And I applied my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly; I know that this too is a frustration.         יז.
18. For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge, increases pain.

[The One and Only Mo]

Thanks Muman. You are a good friend.

[Lewinsky Stinks, Dr. Brennan Rocks]

I'm very sorry to hear all of that and I had no idea that it hit you quite that hard. It took a lot to be able to express your deepest thoughts and feelings at that time.

[Lisa]

Mo, I'm sure your stepfather would be very proud of you.