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Rational Jew:
Dear Muman,

I would like to know what is a complete Jewish view on husbands who cheat on their wives with single women.

Thank you and May Hashem avenge souls of your father and brother. Amen!

muman613:

--- Quote from: Smash Islam! on January 16, 2014, 04:50:01 AM ---Dear Muman,

I would like to know what is a complete Jewish view on husbands who cheat on their wives with single women.

Thank you and May Hashem avenge souls of your father and brother. Amen!

--- End quote ---

Shalom SmashIslam,

Very good question... And it seems to me that this is an issue which has been bothering you for some time. You have asked many questions about the Halachic opinions regarding adultery and other infidelities. It is something which causes a lot of confusion in non-Jews and Jews alike.

As Chaim explained the Torah was written during a time when women were not granted a lot of 'rights' and basically were at the whim of the man. Traditionally women have been the weaker of the sexes, and thus in a world where 'Might makes right' the women often was taken advantage of.

Judaism was the first religion to see womankind as partners in creation. Women were granted rights of inheritance and they also were granted certain rights in the marriage document (called the Ketubah). If a woman is not provided for according to traditional norms, she can divorce him.

While it is true that the Torah permits men to have multiple wives, as I (and others) have explained this practice (polygamy) is not permitted among Jews today. There is no Jewish law which specifically requires a man to have more than one wife, and the Torah is very clear to say that multiple wives bring more problems than a normal man can bear.

Regarding cheating there is much written on the topic...

I hope to bring more sources in a future posting... For now I will post some links which may shed some insight into your questions...

http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1552226/jewish/Husbands-That-Cheat.htm

http://www.aish.com/f/rf/judaism_and_infidelity.html

http://www.shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe/shalombayis/issues.htm


And thank you for the kind words of support...

muman613

muman613:
I will repost this section from the shemayisrael site...


--- Quote ---http://www.shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe/shalombayis/issues.htm

1. HALACHIC GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

Divorce is considered a tragedy in Jewish law. It is basically only justified by something that is breach of what marriage in Torah law is supposed to be. Therefore, a discussion of grounds for terminating a Jewish marriage should include some basics of what marriage requires, as well as violence or blatant violations of marital treatment rules, to give the readers a frame of reference for judging when valid grounds for divorce are present.

I'll start with a brief summary of marital obligations for husbands and wives, so that any breach can indicate possible grounds for complaint or a shaala [Jewish law question] for a rov or dayan.

We do not run right to divorce in most cases [unless there is a major and inexcusable violation such as adultery, violence or abandonment of any Torah observance, as will be discussed further on]. At the start, we examine the nature and validity of possible grounds for divorce. We proceed in all cases slowly, we deliberate carefully, and we obtain proof to validate claims - all done in the light of halacha.

Marriage is a "package" of roles, obligations, responsibilities and functioning. Each owes the other. The Jew has no mentality of "my rights," "my entitlements." Your partner has rights and entitlements... from you.

A man may not diminish provision of all the food, clothes and affection that his wife needs (Exodus 21:10). He must provide financial support (standard kesuba), even if this requires hard or foul-smelling work (Pesachim 113a) or going to the field to farm (Yevamos 63a). He should share the benefits of his life and not cause her pain (Kesubos 61a). She must not cause him pain [Evven HaEzzer 119]. He must never be angry or frightening; he must promote her feeling joyous; and as his financial or social station rises, he must give her more money and status accordingly (Rambam, Hilchos Ishus). He should love her as much as himself and honor her more than himself (Yevamos 62b), give tangible expressions of honor such as jewels and ornaments (Sanhedrin 76b). Relative to what he can afford, he should eat and drink less that he can afford, dress himself according to what he can afford, and honor his wife and children with more than he can afford (Chulin 84b). He lets her be in charge of household matters; he must be careful with her honor; and is to never cause her to cry, to hurt or to curse him (Bava Metzia 59a). He must fully acknowledge and appreciate her for all which he accomplishes as a consequence of her support, encouragement or assistance (Kesubos 62b). He must give his wife compassion and protection (Hakdoma, Tur Evven Ho'Ezzer). He must take care of her needs before his own (Beraishis Raba 39:15). He must nurture a relationship of love and closeness with his wife (Iggeress HaKodesh, attributed to Ramban). During the first year of marriage, he may not leave his wife overnight, so she may grow secure with his love for her (Chinuch #582). He must take time to speak with her, and obtain and respect her opinions (Letter by Rabbi Akiva Aiger).

The wife must cook food and provide clothing (Yevamos 63a). She is obligated to serve him, revere him like a king and honor him exceedingly much (Rambam, Hilchos Ishus), tend to matters of the home and practical daily life (Bava Metzia 59a), obey him and do his will (Nedarim 66b). Where her honor and his are in conflict, she is to defer to him (Kidushin 31a). If she hits or refuses to go to mikva, she can be subject to divorce without kesuba payment (Shulchan Oruch, Evven Ho'Ezzer). When he is angry, she should calm him; when he is hurt, she should soothe him; when he has been done bad to, she should comfort him; when he is worried, she should restore him; when he is pressured, she should minimize requests; and cancel her will for her husband (Shlaw HaKodesh). She should diminish his sadness, his worry or anything which is hard on his heart (Shaivet Mussar). She should raise her man up and she is responsible for her duties (Kesubos 61a).

One of the causes of marital trouble; with its complexity, misery and hostility; is the non-authoritative misrepresentation of mitzvos, halachos and Torah principles. Consider: since people bring to rabbis and batay din emotional and selfish (rather than halachic and authentic) agendas and claims, the cases must either be reconstituted to accord with halachic criteria for get proceedings, or the cases must be commensurately convoluted and mired (as a halachic matter) making solution and conclusive action difficult to impossible. The Torah is precise, objective and serious about divorce because marriage is holy.

Let me share with the readership some basics about grounds for divorce and how a husband's unjustifiably withholding a halachicly required get truly separates him from halacha.

A woman cannot claim that she is an "Agunah" unless her case was duly heard by a competent bais din of yoray Shomayim and expert dayanim who poskined (ruled) that the marriage is over, that the man is required in halacha to give his wife a get and he refuses to give the get ordered by that bais din. "Agunah" is a halachic status and cannot be declared by a wife unhappy with her marriage, no more than she can declare herself a prophet or rabbi or declare that a pig is kosher or that a Tuesday is shabos, just because she feels that way.

Generally, a woman cannot demand a get nor can she say it is a mitzva for her husband to give her one by claiming her marriage is dead. There is no mitzva to give a get. The only mitzva in the Torah is for a man to use the get as the exclusive means for divorcing his wife when the man wants to divorce her (Chinuch, Rambam). Technically, divorcing generally depends upon the man wanting to.

However, it is much more complex than that. There are dozens of Torah principles and requirements incumbent upon a man who can no longer live as a husband with his wife, so the woman is not discounted or abandoned by the Torah.

The gemora (Kesubos 61a) says that MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE AND NOT FOR PAIN. By definition, when a marriage is painful, it is not a Torah marriage.

The Torah requires never paining a widow or orphan, and G-d becomes furious at and viciously punitive towards a perpetrator [Exodus 22:21]. Rashi says this is not limited to a widow or orphan; rather, it means NEVER PAINING ANYONE who is DEFENSELESS, WEAK OR VULNERABLE. Rambam (Hilchos Dayos) says that this must be fulfilled by giving such weak, vulnerable or needy individuals "rachmanuss yesaira (active and extraordinary compassion)." Since a wife is dependent upon a husband WHEN SHE IS ENTITLED IN HALACHA to a get, she is defenseless and vulnerable insofar as ending her married status is concerned. The one who is callous to her evokes G-d's fury. Chazal tell us that the way we treat another is the way G-d treats us, "measure for measure" (Sota 8b). Heaven gives compassion to each person who gives compassion to people; and Heaven withholds compassion from each person who withholds compassion from people (Shabos 151b).

The saintly Chafetz Chayim [Rabbi Yisroel Meir Kagan, 1838-1933; in a classic work, "Ahavas Chesed (The Love Of Kindness)"], wrote, "If a person in his lifetime habitually failed to forego anything of his own for another, failed to have pity on others, he reinforces the attribute of stern and strict justice in Heaven towards him. So, after he leaves this world and he is in need of such benefits [e.g. kindness, pity, etc.], Heaven pays him back with his own characteristics. G-d deals with him the same way that he dealt with people."

Torah violations for handling or terminating a marriage center around high interpersonal standards and rules imposed by the Torah upon any Jew towards another; such as prohibitions of causing physical or emotional pain, destroying another's life, being vengeful or cruel or strict at the expense of another, etc. These are rules and mitzvos that apply between any Jews. Never forget that the application of the Torah's standard interpersonal requirements totally includes Jews who are married to one another!

In the halachos relating to marriage [Evven HaEzzer 119 and 154 in Tur, Shulchan Aruch and Aruch HaShulchan] grounds for divorce are discussed. This is a brief representative summary with some classic samples. For practical law as applicable to an individual situation, contact a known and respected rov who is an expert in the laws of Evven HaEzzer and who has experience as a dayan.

In Jewish law, raising a hand in anger (even without hitting!) is evil (Sanhedrin 58b). Needless to say, hitting is NEVER an option...whether the victim would be your spouse or anyone else (except in self-defense or if provoked in certain ways). Hitting, especially if with any regularity, can be grounds for immediate divorce (Evven HaEzzer 154:3, Ramoh). If the man hit, he would be obligated to give an immediate "get" (divorce) and to pay the kesuba (marriage contract payment). If the woman hit, he would give her an immediate "get" and she will have forfeited her kesuba money. Failure to fulfill essential spousal responsibilities can be grounds for a get.

A woman can demand a get if her husband develops an unbearable odor or a repulsive illness or injury, if he abandons Torah, if he does not feed or support her, if he has an angry temper, or if he withholds requisite intimate attention.

A first wife should be divorced if she has been adulterous or immodest, refused to go to mikva without Torah justification, violated any major element of Torah or if both mutually want to end the marriage. A man should never be quick to divorce. A man only divorces when he wants the divorce. Among Ashkenazim, the woman ordinarily also has to want it. If the couple does not have a child for ten years, or if one or both spouses cause pain to the other, such is grounds for considering, but not running to, divorce.

In cases where the wife was adulterous, immodest or became unreligious (even if in only one aspect of Jewish law), it is a mitzva for the husband to divorce her. This is the only case where it is a mitzva to divorce. If he gives her a get in such a case and he cannot pay a kesuba (marriage contract payment) or nedunia (dowry), he can give a get without any payment to her and she can then take him to bais din for any payment that she claims he owes her [Tshuvos haRosh]. Otherwise, if he gives her a get, he generally must pay the kesuba.

There are certain demands for divorce which halacha says to ignore unless and until there are certain proofs or conditions. You may not assume, therefore, that a bais din is callous, aloof or "in the clouds" if it does not run to accept one spouse's claim that the other did something which is grounds for divorce. A competent bais din is compelled by halachah to ascertain, substantiate and verify that any demand for a get complies with the halachic system of justifying a get with clear proof.

The rules for ending a SECOND marriage become more lenient (there are more grounds for divorce for a SECOND marriage e.g. they are no longer attracted to each other or he can't stand her cooking).

The laws of and grounds for divorce are not simple and the Torah does not take termination of a marriage - especially a first marriage - lightly. The Torah position is to stay at any marriage and do all you can to make the marriage work, and to give enormous consideration - with objective professional and rabbinic guidance - to the impact on any children of splitting up. Whenever there are children, the couple must do all that is possible to preserve the marriage and to not harm the children psychologically or otherwise. It is a huge mitzva for the couple or others to do all they can to bring the marriage back to peace and bring their family life to normality.
--- End quote ---

muman613:
Not exactly answering the question but again talking about the Jewish view toward divorce, the great Rabbi Mizrachi just posted this last week.

TruthSpreader:
Is marijuana considered kosher? How safe is it compared to most other drugs?

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