CLEAN Joke Thread

[Rubystars]

Ok we've been through a lot lately with Obama winning the election and other things that have been going on.

So I'm starting a joke thread. Please don't abuse this thread, keep the jokes clean and remember this is a religious forum.

I don't want to have to lock it or remove jokes.

Ok with that said let's have some fun

Here's a couple to get us started:

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Granny made such beautiful pies! One day I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"It's a family secret" she said. "So promise not to tell. I roll out the dough, cut a bottom layer, and carefully put it in the pie plate. Then I slowly pour the filling, making sure it is not foo full. Next I cut a top layer and put it over the filling.
Finally I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust, and they make the nicest even impressions that you ever did see!"
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

[Ulli]

A German and an American businessman are sitting in a plane.

The American says: Look we have a great country. We have George Bush, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash!"

The German answers: “We have Gerhard Schröder, No Wonder, No Hope and No Cash…”

 

[Rubystars]

A German and an American businessman are sitting in a plane.

The American says: Look we have a great country. We have George Bush, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash!"

The German answers: “We have Gerhard Schröder, No Wonder, No Hope and No Cash…”

 

That's a clever joke! I like it. It's funny but it's also sad. I would like for European nations to have hope for a good future at the very least.

[schrodinger's cat]

A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a nice living."

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself."

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

--Henny Youngman

[q_q_]

A German and an American businessman are sitting in a plane.

The American says: Look we have a great country. We have George Bush, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash!"

The German answers: “We have Gerhard Schröder, No Wonder, No Hope and No Cash…”

 

actually the funny thing about that joke, is that outside of Germany, people think of Germans as having no sense of humour.

The idea of germans sitting around telling each other terrible jokes like that and finding them funny. *THAT* is funny.

Still, you deserve some honours for that one.. When I saw a clean  joke thread, I figured the only people that would have any, would be women and maybe kids.  And who do I see? Rubystars and camerakid.

I remember Seinfeld being asked about rude jokes, he said that would be too easy. Something about the adult make mind. 9/10 jokes it thinks of are rude.

[Rubystars]

QQ consider it a challenge, try the 1/10 that's not dirty. This might be difficult but I've seen some really good ones before.

This is both a challenge and a stress reliever. The jokes don't have to be comedy gold (But i like the jokes), they just have to be fun.
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When Obama stepped into the Oval Office, George Bush was showing him around. George Bush said "This is the desk you'll sit at where you'll sign docutements".

Obama said "Do you mean documents, Mr. President?"

George Bush laughed in the characteristically evil/stupid sounding snicker that all Americans have become accustomed to over the years.

"Ollama, when you're President, you get to call things whatever you want to call them. If you want there to be 57 states, there are 57 states, if you want to call a Muslim a Christian, you can do it."

Obama was a little irritated at the mangling of his last name. At least Bush hadn't called him Hussein. "Ok," Obama said tentatively. "I suppose I'm going to call this office the Official Headquarters of International Wealth Redistribution."

George Bush nodded in approval. "That's a lot of big words there! I like the Welt Reinstitution part the best!"

Obama sighed. "Ok Mr. Peasant-dent"

George Bush snickered stupidly/evilly again. "Not so fast Mr. Obama, you're not King yet!"

[q_q_]

QQ consider it a challenge, try the 1/10 that's not dirty. This might be difficult but I've seen some really good ones before.
<snip>

well, there was one but I don't remember it all

It's a true story.

somebody was being introduced and he had done many things for the community

the person introducing him gave this long list of things that was meant to be praise, but every single thing could be interpreted as an insult.

I only remember one of the things he said.  he said

"We would like to congratulate you on your one man solidarity trip to israel"

[q_q_]

true story. I heard it from the rabbi of the synagogue , he was there.

one time in synagogue, one old man was given the honour of a ritual of lifting the torah.

He forgot how heavy it was . As he lifted it for the whole congregation to see, he shouted

JESUS

[Rubystars]

Great stories QQ 

I also liked your post camerakid

[Vito]

A Jewish kid goes to his dad: Hey dad, could I borrow $20?

                                Dad: $10?! Wadda ya need $5 for?!?!

[Dan]

A Jewish kid goes to his dad: Hey dad, could I borrow $20?

                                Dad: $10?! Wadda ya need $5 for?!?!

[schrodinger's cat]

A Jewish kid goes to his dad: Hey dad, could I borrow $20?

                                Dad: $10?! Wadda ya need $5 for?!?!

Haha!!!!!lolol

[SavetheWest]

Why couldn't Mozart be found?



Because he was Haidn.

[SavetheWest]

Why did Mr. Peanut call the police?


Because he was assalted.

[zachor_ve_kavod]

Ok, let me try a golf joke.  I love golf.

Bernie meets Esther at a singles resort in the Catskills.  They fall in love and spend the entire week in each other's company.  At the end of the week, they are having dinner together, when they start talking about the possibility of continuing their relationship.

Esther says to Bernie, "I'm so crazy about you, but I think that if we were to continue our relationship, we should tell each other all of our dirty little secrets.  If we get everything out in the open now, then we can decide whether this relationship is worth continuing."

Well, Bernie is a practical man, so he likes the idea.  He says, "Let me go first.  You should know right off the bat that I love golf.  I love playing golf, watching golf on tv, reading about golf, and talking about golf.  In fact, you should know right now that I love golf so much that it has cost me relationships in the past."

Esther thinks about this for a minute, then she says, "Bernie, if you want to know the truth, I happen to be a hooker."

Bernie thinks about this for a minute.  Then he responds, "Well, maybe you should try keeping your wrists straight off the tee."

[Rubystars]

A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides.

During one trip, the driver droped her off at a mall before he gassed up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.

The service station's attendant kept glancing at the unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"