Had Noah Lived In 2009...

[Christian Zionist]

It is the year 2009 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to  save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember, "said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did  not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plane. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"

Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has!!!" 

[~Hanna~]

 

[muman613]

You do realize that it took 120 years for Noah to build the ark. This was on purpose because Hashem wanted Noah to bring the people to do Teshuva...

http://www.aish.com/torahportion/livelyparsha/Lively_Parsha_Noach.asp

CONSTRUCTION OF THE ARK

The building of the Ark took many years of substantial toil by Noah himself. We can picture how the throngs came, during the many years which elapsed in the erection of the Ark, to gaze at this strange edifice and inquire its purpose. This was the last attempt to rescue the generation. Noah utilized his Ark as a theme and warning. He raised his voice to all who came, and encouraged them to do teshuva before the day of retribution. His words bore little fruit. ("Behold a People," pg. 20)

Also he did not save the righteous people, only his family and two of each treif animal and seven of each kosher animal...

http://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/576110/jewish/Aliya-Summary.htm

Noach Aliya Summary

General Overview: In this week's reading, Noach, Noah and his family, along with at least one pair of each living creature, survive the Flood by taking refuge in an Ark. The erection of the Tower of Babel angers G‑d, and leads to the dispersal of Noah's descendants. Abraham and Sarah are born.

First Aliyah: While society as a whole descended into a state of anarchy and utter corruption, only Noah remained righteous and faithful to G‑d's ways. Noah was informed by G‑d that a mabul ("flood") will soon destroy all of civilization, and only Noah and his immediate family would survive in a teivah ("ark," boat) that he was to build. G‑d gave Noah the exact dimensions of the teivah he was to build, and commanded Noah to bring along into the teivah specimens of every species of animal and bird to repopulate the world after the mabul, and to stock the boat with food to feed all its inhabitants.

Second Aliyah: Of kosher animals and birds, Noah was commanded to take seven pairs of each species (as opposed to one pair of all other species). Noah, his family, and the required animals boarded the teivah and the mabul began: "The springs of the great depths burst forth and the windows of the heavens opened."

Third Aliyah: The torrential rains lasted for forty days and nights. The waters rose to great heights and covered even the highest mountains, killing all humans and animals; everything died aside for Noah and the other occupants of the teivah. After the waters raged on the earth another 150 days, G‑d caused the waters to subside. The teivah eventually rested on the Ararat Mountains, and shortly thereafter the mountain peaks came into view. Noah opened the window of the teivah and dispatched birds to see whether it was time to leave the teivah. First he sent a raven, which refused to execute its mission and just circled the ark. He then sent out a dove. On its second attempt the dove went and did not return, signaling that the earth was once again habitable. After one full year in the teivah, the earth had dried.

Fourth Aliyah: G‑d commanded Noah to leave the teivah, along with all his fellow teivah-mates. Noah built an altar and offered sacrifices. This pleased G‑d, who then promised to never again curse the earth as He had just done. Instead, the regular seasons (which had not functioned during the year of the mabul) would continue perpetually. G‑d then blessed Noah and his sons: "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth." G‑d allowed mankind to eat meat, but prohibited murder, suicide, and the consumption of a limb ripped from a living animal.

Fifth Aliyah: G‑d told Noah that he is establishing a covenant to never again bring a flood to destroy the world. G‑d designated the rainbow as the sign of this covenant: "And it shall come to pass, when I cause clouds to come upon the earth, that the rainbow will appear in the cloud. And I will remember My covenant..."

Sixth Aliyah: Noah planted a vineyard, made wine, became drunk and fell into a deep drunken slumber -- while naked. Noah's son, Ham, saw his father naked, assaulted him, and informed his two brothers of their father's state. The brothers, Shem and Japeth, modestly approached their father and covered him. When Noah awakened, he cursed Cham's son, Canaan, and blessed Shem and Japeth. This section then names Noah's seventy grandsons and great-grandsons, the antecedents of the "seventy nations," and their adopted homelands.

Seventh Aliyah: This section recounts the story of the Tower of Babel. Noah's descendents gathered in the Babylonian valley and started building a tower, in an attempt to reach the heavens and battle G‑d. G‑d disrupted their "plan" by causing them each to speak a different language, thus destroying their communications. This caused them to disperse and settle in different lands. The Torah then lists the ten generations of Shem's descendents. The tenth generation is Abram (later to be known as Abraham), who married Sarai (later to be known as Sarah).

[The One and Only Mo]

 

[Boyana]

 

[~Hanna~]

I am glad there are a few people here with a sense of humor...