I know how you feel. My father was a sexually perverse man. I keep saying that Dr. Michael Schulman is like a father to me because he taught me everything my biological father should have taught me.
I no longer feel rage. I am depressed, battle-worn and deeply, deeply disappointed by the world. I thank Hashem that my beloved mother follows the Noahide Laws.
It is a deep honor for me that I was able to get my mother out of idolatry too. I don't care about pain that affects me. I did learn that you never say "is that all you got, Hashem", he does have more and I have discovered that I do have a limit for pain, but it involves ten different tortures at once. What I can't bear is that I failed people in my life. The regret is a swarm of a thousand carrion birds circling, swooping and ripping flesh from me every single time again and again for years without end.
My biological father is unknown. My step dad has high blood pressure and psychosis, along with severe delusions of grandeur, so I was very pleased when my friend informed me that he wasn't my actual dad at 13.
I have seen endless beauty and people living lives filled with joy after joy. It is a beautiful world, I just can't bring myself to consider myself worthy of any of it. You can't possibly understand the level of damage I've caused in failing good people.
Also feel rage is not the issue. I cultivate it and store it. My mantra in life is, "I ride this beast too". I learned at a very young age that having no reserve of rage to call on in a moment of need is a life risk.
Topic: Steven Spielbergs daughter Mikaela enters porno business - Steven fascinated (Read 15017 times)