Chapter 1 of a story that I'm writing

[takebackourtemple]

   I'm just wondering what thoughts anyone might have. Here is chapter 1 of a story that I started. It's entirely fictional. My apology to those who have to live in New York. I'm only going to continue with Chapter 2 if people like Chapter 1.



   In one moment the air was warm with the lord’s presence. In the next it was a cold December night. In one moment, Avraham’s immediate family was alive, in the next they were all dead. In one moment the lights were burning bright in the next, Avraham could not identify the source of what he saw in front of him. These two moments which transitioned in the blink of an eye were more than 2000 years apart from each other. Standing in front of a ten foot high electric menorah was a sight to see. These lights represented his struggle and victory in the second century B.C.E. to rekindle what the Romans had taken from his people, but also had an unnatural aura around them. For all his life, Avraham had never believed in magic. He could not explain what he saw, but these were not the only lights he had around him. In addition to all the lights of this city, which was much larger than he could ever have imagined, there were awful sounding noises and the air was unpleasant to breath. He wanted to wake up, but this felt too real to be just a bad dream. As he stood alone in the winter air of Central Park he knew that he was far away from home.
   The previous moment was seven years after the second temple had been reclaimed. It was Chanukah and the miracles of the lights burning for eight days were being celebrated. It was also Shabbat and in the next moment Shabbat was all he had on his mind. He had the feeling that it was still Shabbat and indeed it was. Only this Shabbat there were no temple services. In fact this temple, which Avraham and his brethren had fought with all their might to reclaim no longer existed. Avraham no longer had a community of thousands and was desperate just to find a Minyan, a group of 10 or more Jewish people required for certain prayers.
   In order to find a Minyan, Avraham first had to find someone who he could talk with. Just like in modern day, in the time of the Maccabees, education was of the utmost importance. Avraham had enjoyed learning multiple languages. While English was not a language that he could have possibly studied in his day, that didn’t make much of a difference anyway because he was in New York City and because of all the third world immigration and visitors from foreign countries, noone around him spoke it anyway. The way he was dressed didn’t particularly standout either because New York in known for its share of Lunatics.
   It didn’t take long to find a lady who spoke Greek. Of course the Greeks were the people that the Maccabees would have recently defeated. Could this nightmare have been some sort of retaliation from the Greek people? Regardless of what was happening, Avraham had to find a Synagogue and a place to spend the night. The lady thought it was humorous that someone dressed up in what she though was costume asked her if she was in Greece. The conversation did, however, reveal that it was Friday night and that there was a synagogue nearby.
   As Avraham headed towards 88th street on the west side of the park, he was approached by a group of six primitive poor excuses for humans in their teens and early twenties. While they were armed with knives and outnumbered the Maccabee, the combat skills of these punks did not match those of a trained Jewish warrior. This confrontation which resulted in critical injury to all six black youth enraged so called civil rights leaders for months. After this confrontation, the Jewish warrior ran as fast as he could in order to get to the synagogue. He almost was run over by an automobile and knew that his fellow Jews would never operate such a machine on Shabbat. This was an SUV that was driven by another Jew that did not care a single bit about Shabbat and just honked his horn as he consumed oil which was sold to the United States by Muslim terrorist nations.
   Upon arrival at congregation B’nai Jeshurun there was another primitive male that looked like a baboon. This one was a security guard who was searching everyone that walked in. While unsure if this one would also attack, Avraham thought about whether he should approach this congregation. Of course other Jews were able to enter without much of a problem and the Maccabee had tried to speak with other so called humans that also looked like baboons but did not attack. Avraham’s initial decision was to risk being assaulted in order to be able to observe the Shabbat. As he approached the door, he heared LaChad Dodee, which is normally a prayer to welcome in the Sabbath. This was the most impure singing of LaChad Dodee that he ever heard. Jews were playing instruments and turning this into a pagan worship ceremony. Some people entering were actually Jewish and some were not. Avraham had the ability to look into the Neshama, the soul of anyone and know if they were Jewish or not. It was clear that this house was impure and Avraham knew that he could not enter. He had to say his prayers without a Minyan that night and find a safe hiding place to sleep in the park that night. The young Maccabee had never seen indoor plumbing, and most of Central Park smelled like urine and feces anyway, so at least using the bathroom correctly was not given much thought that night.
   He was hoping for a nice Shabbat dinner, but instead went hungry because he had no clue where to find Kosher food. Normally a Jew is not allowed to fast on Shabbat, but one exception is fasting as a result of a bad dream. It is believed that if a Jew fasts after having a bad dream, that it will be negated. This was a nightmare that had to be negated. His luck did not change until Sunday morning when a Yeshiva student from Chabad asked him if he wanted to put on Tefilon.

[Mishmaat]

This story has great potential. I loved the opening paragraph. It has a very nice flow that's almost poetic. I do think, however, that you should expand on the characterization of Avraham. Also, you're condensing a lot into one chapter. There are potential chapters within this chapter. I would split it into a preface and chapter and include more vivid details.

[takebackourtemple]

   Perhaps I have made the story too compact. I was never a fan of filler material though. If I run out of compact material to write about I will probably have to go back and expand upon what I already wrote. There is stuff about Avraham that I don't want to give away too early in the story. I was careful not to have him kill those beasts.

Here is chapter 2, this one is a little less political and a little more religious. I'll get back to the political soon.

Chapter 2 – The power of prayer.

   As the Yeshiva student approached, Avraham was still focused on the previous day. Saturday was a day of reflection. It was spent in hiding with prayer. Given that the Jewish warrior would have to wait at least until dark to search for food, he was in no position to waste energy surveying this new city that he was cast into. It did feel like he was cast out of the heavens. After his experience leaving the park and encountering a Jew that had appeared to have tried to kill him with some sort of diabolical machine, he had no rush to leave. The park had plenty of trees, which were the work of the almighty. It had people using horses for transportation. If he could only find a horse could, it would help him survey the area. Of course it might not be wise to ride it into the unnatural portion of the city. These were plans that had to wait until Shabbat was over.
   In the mean time, the prayers had to be recited. It was unknown which direction to face. When facing the correct direction a cold chill was felt. This felt much like it did during the days before the second temple was recovered, only it was much further away than before. The feeling that finally convinced Avraham to face in the correct direction was that of the great emptiness that existed there. Perhaps the reason for Hashem to send him to this foreign place was to fill this emptiness. If all temples were run like Jews worshipping the golden calf, this was going to have to come to an end. Avraham would have to be careful not to make a mistake like the one that Moshe made after descending Mount Sinai.
   Of course Avraham had no tablets to drop. He had no torah or prayer book to read. No wine to drink. There would be no candles to light at the end of Shabbat and he did not have a set of tefilon to put on when Monday came. With these feelings, he just could not come to accepting that Shabbat was over after the sun had set and spent the rest of the night praying just like he had done for the entire day.
   The Yeshiva student was on his way to meet with a study group at Yeshiva University and wasn’t planning set up any tefilon booth like others in his community often do. Avraham appeared to be a stranger in a weird custom that was very depressed. What caught the Yeshiva student’s eye were the Tzitzit that were hanging from this attire. Tzitzit are strings containing knots that Jewish people are commanded to wear on the corners of their garments. Avraham thought the Yeshiva students mostly black attire was different from that of other people whom he had observed. Of course this student was the first Jew that Avraham had spotted, who also wore Tzitzit. Perhaps this was a sign had not all Jews were like the ones who entered B’nai Jeshurun or like the ones that rode around in metal machines on Shabbat.
   The Yeshiva student was a Baal Tshuva, a Jew who was not born religious but had made the choice to become religious. Lacking enough education to have a conversation in Hebrew, he was only able to speak English. Avraham’s did not know what to expect when the student pulled out a nicely decorated bag. The student opened the bag and lo and behold, this bag contained a set of Tefilon. Avraham wasted no time putting it on. This was like he was a magnet attracting pieces of metal and he did exhibit magnetic properties when wearing tefilon.
   Up until then, people had ignored him, but as soon as he put on the tefilon, a crowd of Jewish people passing by became interested in watching what was happening. None of them were religious, but they all wanted to be next to wear the tefilon. As Avraham finished reciting the Ashrai prayer, which is one of the first prayers recited, he noticed a pleasant surprise.
   Exactly ten Jews were present. This constituted a Minyan. Everyone in this Minyan had their turn wearing the Tefilon and reciting from the Shma, which is an important prayer of Jewish identity. From that point on, every non-religious Jew that ended up wearing that set of Tefilon followed the path of Baal Tshuva. These eight Jews that had joined this Minyan and their immediate families were all saved from the spiritual holocaust in the United States that has caused most Jews to lose their identity.