Ramban - Great Jewish Sage - How to avoid anger

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Ramban, or Nachmanadies was a great Jewish sage of the 11th century CE. Ramban was a contemporary of Rambam {Maimonides} but held a slightly more mystical interpretation of Judaism.

Many years ago a friend of mine had a book on his shelf about the great Rambans letter to his son. It is a mystical way of working on controlling ones anger in times of being tested.

Here is some information about this letter:

http://www.pirchei.co.il/specials/ramban/ramban.htm

Iggeres HaRamban - The Ramban's Letter
(Written to his elder son, Nachman, with the instruction to read it weekly.)

Hear, my son, the instruction of your father and don't forsake the teaching of your mother (Mishlei 1:8). Get into the habit of always speaking calmly to everyone. This will prevent you from anger, a serious character flaw which causes people to sin. As our Rabbis said (Nedarim 22a):Whoever flares up in anger is subject to the discipline of Gehinnom as it is says in (Koheles 12:10), "Cast out anger from your heart, and [by doing this] remove evil from your flesh." "Evil" here means Gehinnom, as we read (Mishlei 16:4): "...and the wicked are destined for the day of evil." Once you have distanced yourself from anger, the quality of humility will enter your heart.This radiant quality is the finest of all admirable traits (see Avodah Zarah 20b), (Mishlei 22:4), "Following humility comes the fear of Hashem."

Through humility you will also come to fear Hashem. It will cause you to always think about (see Avos 3:1) where you came from and where you are going, and that while alive you are only like a maggot and a worm, and the same after death. It will also remind you before Whom you will be judged, the King of Glory, as it is stated (I Melachim 8:27; Mishlei 15:11), "Even the heaven and the heavens of heaven can't contain You" -- "How much less the hearts of people!" It is also written (Yirmeyahu 23:24), "Do I not fill heaven and earth? says Hashem."

When you think about all these things, you will come to fear Hashem who created you, and you will protect yourself from sinning and therefore be happy with whatever happens to you. Also, when you act humbly and modestly before everyone, and are afraid of Hashem and of sin, the radiance of His glory and the spirit of the Shechina will rest upon you, and you will live the life of the World-to-Come!

And now, my son, understand and observe that whoever feels that he is greater than others is rebelling against the Kingship of Hashem, because he is adorning himself with His garments, as it is written (Tehillim 93:1), "Hashem reigns, He wears clothes of pride." Why should one feel proud? Is it because of wealth? Hashem makes one poor or rich (I Shmuel 2:7). Is it because of honor? It belongs to Hashem, as we read (I Divrei Hayamim 29:12), "Wealth and honor come from You." So how could one adorn himself with Hashem's honor? And one who is proud of his wisdom surely knows that Hashem "takes away the speech of assured men and reasoning from the sages" (Iyov 12:20)!? So we see that everyone is the same before Hashem, since with His anger He lowers the proud and when He wishes He raises the low. So lower yourself and Hashem will lift you up!

Therefore, I will now explain to you how to always behave humbly. Speak gently at all times, with your head bowed, your eyes looking down to the ground and your heart focusing on Hashem. Don't look at the face of the person to whom you are speaking. Consider everyone as greater than yourself. If he is wise or rich, you should give him respect. If he is poor and you are richer -- or wiser -- than he, consider yourself to be more guilty than he, and that he is more worthy than you, since when he sins it is through error, while yours is deliberate and you should know better!

In all your actions, words and thoughts, always regard yourself as standing before Hashem, with His Shechinah above you, for His glory fills the whole world. Speak with fear and awe, as a slave standing before his master. Act with restraint in front of everyone. When someone calls you, don't answer loudly, but gently and softly, as one who stands before his master.

Torah should always be learned diligently, so you will be able to fulfill it's commands. When you arise from your learning reflect carefully on what you have studied, in order to see what in it that you can be put into practice. Examine your actions every morning and evening, and in this way every one of your days will be spent in teshuvah (repentance).

Concentrate on your prayers by removing all worldly concerns from your heart. Prepare your heart before Hashem, purify your thoughts and think about what you are going to say. If you follow this in all your daily actions, you will not come to sin. This way everything you do will be proper, and your prayer will be pure, clear, clean, devout and acceptable to Hashem, as it is written (Tehillim 10:17), "When their heart is directed to You, listen to them."

Read this letter at least once a week and neglect none of it. Fulfill it, and in so doing, walk with it forever in the ways of Hashem, may he be blessed,so that you will succeed in all your ways. Thus you will succeed and merit the World to Come which lies hidden away for the righteous. Every day that you shall read this letter, heaven shall answer your heart's desires. Amen, Sela!



http://dafyomireview.com/article.php?docid=95

The Ramban's Cure for Anger
by Rav A.Y. Hertman zt''l of pre-WWII Kelm

According to the eternal letter the Ramban zt''l wrote to his son, saving oneself from anger is the crucial first step towards a Torah way of life. Rav A.Y. Hertzman zt''l, one of the great talmidim of the legendary pre-WWII Kelm yeshiva strikingly illuminates for us the hidden meaning in the Ramban's holy words.(from Sefer Hazikaron Beis Kelm V.1 pg.423)

(Note: words in parentheses are my own commentary)

The Ramban zt''l wrote us a very remarkable advice to be saved from anger:

"Habituate yourself always to speak all of your words in a low voice 1 to all people and at all times, in this way you will be saved from anger." - (beginning of Ramban's letter)

(As anyone who learns the sayings of the Torah Sages knows, every word is carefully chosen and there are no extra words. Here's an explanation of the Ramban's sentence)

1) "all of your words", (the extra word "all") includes even harsh words of rebuke, grudges (tar'umos), or the like, since there's a great tendency to say them in a heated or wrathful way. (i.e. you might think, the expression "your words" means normal, everyday words. Not including harsh words of rebuke etc. The extra word "all" comes to include even these kinds of words.)

2) "to all people", (the extra word "all") includes even a rough, savage, annoying person, which (you might think is not in the category of "people" and) has lost his human value.
And ("all" also includes) even someone who mocks or disgraces you or your family.

3) "at all times", (the word "all") includes even at times when you are feeling tired and impatient, or G-d forbid, in a terrible, bad spirited mood, where talking to others is a great burden on you.

4) Nevertheless (all of the three expressions are written together, in one sentence to teach you that), even if it happened that all three of these tests occurred to you simultaneously: 1) harsh words of rebuke to 2) a rough, savage person, 3) while you are in a terrible, bad spirited mood. Even then, you should strengthen yourself in the mida (character trait) of savlanus (tolerance) and to speak only calmly! And all the more so, if you find yourself in a situation with only one or two of the 3 tests.

5) "Habituate yourself always" (the extra word "always" includes) each and every time a test like this comes before you, stand up to it, and it's not enough to succeed only sometimes.

"And in this way, you will be saved from anger", (means) The internal anger in you will quiet and you will no longer have the urge to get angry.

From here we can see the greatness of the Rishonim (early Sages) which condensed many major points in just a few words: "all of your words", "to every person", "at all times", etc. And this also teaches us the way how to approach learning their holy words. (from Sefer Hazikaron Beis Kelm V.1 pg.423)

1 Hebrew - b'nachas. This is usually translated as "gently" or "softly". However from the verse in Koheles 9:17 - "The words of the wise are heard b'nachas, unlike the screams of the foolish rulers".

The Metzudos commentary explains b'nachas to mean "b'shiflus kol" - (low volume voice), since in context this is the opposite of a loud screaming voice.

FURTHER EXPLANATIONS

The Ramban is giving a technique for uprooting anger completely. For this, one must go to the other extreme until it is impossible to go any further. This is why he gives the extreme case which is impossible to find another more difficult scenario - harsh words to a savage while in a terrible mood. (note: this method may not be appropriate for some people, especially those who lack a cheerful, friendly personality. please consult before using.)

Most of the time when a person is angry, you touched his ego. Because the anatomy of anger is "hey, you did it to ME!" You get less angry when it happens to someone else. So the ego was touched (Rabbi Noach Orlowek). This is why the Sages teach anger and arrogance (gaiva) are two sides of the same coin (Mesilas Yesharim ch.22) and eliminating anger naturally brings humbleness, the greatest of all the good characters traits, as the Ramban goes on to explain in his letter.

The way to conquer anger is by not giving in.

If you allow yourself to speak angrily or annoyingly, which is a form of anger, you only flame the fires and, they will come back even stronger. The cure is to starve the flames of anger, by not raising the voice or better yet, by going in the opposite direction - by talking in a calm tone of voice as the Ramban recommended.

(Note: If you sense anger has gained control of the situation and you can't control yourself, the best response is to remain silent. - Rabbi Chaim P. Sheinberg, click here for the article. It's probably a good idea to also take a time out alone with a nice piece of cake and a cold soda.)

Also, personally, the best technique I've found is to fine myself for each significant anger event. Speaking very calmly, tends, for me to bring sadness. Use whatever works for you.

(Also, if someone has wronged you and you are upset, it's usually a good idea to confront him/her calmly saying "why did you do such and such to me?" Holding it in is likely to cause negative feelings to brew. (see Vayikra/Leviticus 19:17)

The benefits of speaking in a calm voice cannot be overstated. Look around for people who have mastered this skill. Usually they are in leadership positions and are successful in their family life and in all other aspects of their lives.

Tips on anger:

* When Rabbi Yisrael Salanter was asked how to work on not getting angry, he responded that one should work on the trait of "hatava" (focusing on benefiting the other person). By doing this, the anger will be rectified on its own.

* "To save yourself from alot of anger, try to do things yourself as much as possible rather than asking others to do them." (from book:Orech Apayim)

* "Whoever has kina (anger due to someone causing him pain-Rashi) on another but remains silent, He who dwells on high will make for him justice" - Talmud Gitin 7a

* Most violations of the laws pertaining to man's relationship to his fellow man are the consequences of anger. Rav Yisrael Salanter zt''l (from Gateway to Happiness sec. Anger)

* If you have rachmanus (pity), you don't need savlanus (tolerance). R' Yaakov Y.Herman zt'l - 'All for the Boss' pg.371
(i.e. if you love people enough, you won't easily get angry at them)

* Joy is one of the greatest tools for eliminating anger and frustration. If we're sad, then we have less patience and tolerance for everything and everybody.

Yesterday when someone stepped on your toe, you may have snapped at him, "Watch where you're going!" But let's say that today you won the lottery and someone steps on your toe. "No problem, friend," you say with a big smile. "Have a nice day!" - from way#22 by Rabbi Noach Weinberg

* Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafer (theshmuz.com)

Rabbi Shafer advises one to keep an index card in his pocket. And whenever he feels anger coming on, to make a tick on the card. This way a person will develop a sense when anger starts and it will be much easier to stop it from the beginning rather than when it has grown and exploded. (excellent advice!)

* If you can't control yourself from feeling angry at least you can keep silent. This way even if you can't control yourself from internally smoldering in a rage of anger, nevertheless it's in your power to keep your mouth shut. The anger will at least be a barren one that bears no fruit (of insults, disputes etc.). This will also quiet the feelings of anger since silence to anger is like water to fire. - Pele Yoetz sec. Anger

* If you are angry at someone, try to keep silent or talk softly and don't look at the person's face. - Orchos Tzadikim sec. Anger

* "The fire of Gehinom has no power over those who are free from anger" - Sefer Maalos HaMidos beginning of Maalas HaRatzon

* "Silence brings a person to humility (Anava)" - Shaarei Kedusha chelek 2 shaar 5
The Talmud (Yoma 23b) states that when one overcomes his feelings of anger and acts magnanimously, he is forgiven for his transgressions.

* to not speak at all at a time when you are angry. - Sefer Chasidim

* "The most important thing today every person has to do is cleanse their heart from anger, and the only way of getting rid of anger is when you fill your heart with alot of joy." - Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach Video http://www.zingmit.com/2010/11/shlomo-carlebach-on-road.html

note: The Ramban's seemingly simple letter actually summarizes the whole kabalistic perspective on how one should conduct himself in this world. One who gets involved in kabala and the mystical worlds can rise to the greatest heights - but if he slips by having the slightest anger or irritation, he loses everything instantly and comes crashing down (heard from R. Yaakov Hillel). So the letter is also the gate of preparation for the study of kabala. Rabbi Chaim Vital zt'l included the letter in his monumental "Shaarei Kedusha" book on kabala.

another note: My personal experience with anger, is that the only thing that works for me is monetary fines. The fines stop the anger in the initial booster stage before things get out of control.

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Here is Shlomo Carlebach talking about anger after the Holocaust.

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Here is a little biography on Ramban:


http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/111857/jewish/Ramban.htm

Ramban (Rabbi Moses ben Nachman - "Nachmanides")
4954-5029; 1195-1270

The sad plight of the Jewish people in Northern France in the days of Rabbi Jechiel of Paris, spread rapidly to the south, until it affected even Spain, the land of culture and learning of that time. But once again the Jewish people found a great champion, who pleaded their cause and defended their faith against a cruel attack. This great champion was Rabbi Moses ben Nachman Gerondi, known by the abbreviation RaMBaN, and to the non-Jewish world-as Nachmanides. He was called Gerondi after his native town Gerona, Spain, where he was born in the year 4954 (1195 c.e.). He was born of a noble family, which included many prominent Talmudists.

Young Moses showed great talent at a very early age. His principal teacher of Talmud was Rabbi Judah ben Yakar and he studied Kabalah from Rabbis Ezra and Azriel. He was a brilliant student, and his scholarship, piety and very fine character made him famous far beyond his own community.

At the age of sixteen he had mastered the whole Talmud with all its commentaries, and at that early age wrote a defense (Milchamoth Hasheim) of the work of the great codifier and Talmudist, Rabbi Isaac Alfasi, against the attacks of Zerachiah Halevi, author of "Sefer Hamaor."

Not wishing to make any profit from the Torah, the Ramban became a practicing physician in his native town. However, he was the communal rabbi of Gerona at the same time, and later became the chief rabbi of the entire province of Catalonia.

For many years the Ramban lived in his native town, supporting himself as a physician, and devoting most of his time to the study of the Talmud and Kabalah, and to his literary work, writing commentaries on the Talmud. But in his declining days, when he was nearly seventy years old, his quiet life underwent a sudden change. An apostate Jew, masquerading as a devout Catholic, Paulus Christians, had challenged the Jews to a religious disputation. He induced king James I of Aragon to summon the renowned Rabbi of Gerona to a public debate in Barcelona.

Reluctantly, the Ramban journeyed to the king's court at Barcelona. The Ramban declared himself ready to participate in the debate only if he were given permission for full freedom of speech. This the king granted him. Then, before a large court audience, began the debate between Paulus and his Dominican colleagues on the one side, and the venerable Rabbi of Gerona at the head of the Jewish representatives, on the other. The Ramban easily refuted all the arguments of Paulus, and proved effectively that the Jews were entitled to retain their own beliefs and faith. For four days the public disputation was carried on, and the Ramban's brilliant defense of his faith was too much for his adversaries. It made them anxious to end the debate. The king was so impressed with the scholarship, wisdom and eloquence of the Ramban, that he visited him in the synagogue the following Shabbos. At a farewell audience to which the King invited the Ramban, the king praised him highly, and gave him a rich present as a token of respect and admiration.

As in the case of the disputation of Rabbi Jehiel of Paris, the enemies of Israel claimed the victory in the debate, spreading malicious propaganda throughout Spain. Indignantly the Ramban published a true account of the debate, and even had it ratified by the king himself. But although he did not publish anything except what he had said at the debate with the king's permission, the Ramban was brought to trial by the influential Dominicans, and was eventually condemned to banishment for "blasphemy."

At the age of 72, the Ramban had to leave his beloved community, his famous Yeshivah, his friends, and his native land. He set out for the Land of Israel, hoping to find peace and solace there. Unfortunately, he found the Holy Land in great desolation; the Jewish communities were scarce and scattered; young and old alike were poor and ignorant of Jewish knowledge. The Ramban at once began a campaign to improve the position of his brethren in the Holy Land, both spiritually and materially. He reorganized the communities, set up schools, rebuilt the synagogues, gave public lectures and discourses. Here he wrote his famous commentary on the Torah, and other works. He sent copies of these to his native land, and he is also credited with having sent a copy of the Zohar from the Land of Israel to Spain, thus being the first to introduce that saintly book to the West.

The Ramban died at the age of 75, and was buried at Haifa, near the grave of Rabbi Jehiel of Paris, whose life so resembled his own.

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HOW DO YOU DEVELOP A GOOD EYE
The first thing to understand is the nature of an "evil eye".

The Baal Shem Tov wrote (Meor Einayim parsha Chukas)

When a person sees evil in another, this is a proof that he himself has some of this same evil. Other people are like mirrors. And he whose "face is clean, does not see in the mirror any blemishes." And if he sees blemishes in the mirror, this is a proof that the blemish is in himself. Therefore the "Tzadik Gamor" (completely righteous person) who does not have any evil in himself, does not see any evil whatsoever in any person.

I once heard a nice explanation of this. Of course, it's possible to see negative traits in others even if you don't have the trait in yourself. But if your only goal is to help fix the other person, then you wouldn't see the actual "evil" in the person. You would see only that there is a matter that needs fixing, and your emphasis would be on the fixing. But if you see "the evil" and you are disturbed by it, then this is a proof that the "evil" exists in some form also in you. For example, if someone is rude to you. The root of this trait probably comes from selfishness and arrogance. So, if you are clean of these traits, then you will not be "emotionally disturbed" in the slightest. You will simply see a problem in the person that needs fixing.

Developing a Good Eye

Rabbi Yerucham Levovitz zt'l said:

"Oy (woe) to he who doesn't recognize his faults. But oy vavoy (double woe) to he who doesn't recognize his qualities because even the tools of his trade he doesn't have." (from Alei Shur)

His talmid, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe zt'l explained:

Every person is given a special trait or quality that with this trait he can change and transform himself completely to the good - and this is all of a person's job in this world, because through this he will reach all of his perfection - and this also applies for the negative side (i.e. to turn away from one's special negative trait). (Alei Shur shaar 3 pg.146)

(Rabbi Dessler added that likewise, everyone is given one negative trait that through it he can corrupt himself completely. One must make sure to turn away from this trait.

Probably the most important place to start is in turning away from anger. The Ramban gave us a simple but powerful method for this. (see article Ramban's cure for Anger here)

The Sages teach the way to develop a good heart is primarily through the "shemonei esrei" daily prayer. (see Kavanos of the Shmonei Esrei by Rabbi Yehonosan Eibshetz)

If we're sad, then we have less patience and tolerance for everything and everybody. Yesterday when someone stepped on your toe, you may have snapped at him, "Watch where you're going!" But let's say that today you won the lottery and someone steps on your toe. "No problem, friend," you say with a big smile. "Have a nice day!" (Rabbi Noach Weinberg - way#30)

Also, someone asked Rabbi Avigdor Miller zt''l (Tape#279:Judah The Lion):

"How can a person build self esteem?"

He answered:"You don't have to. Just practice the skill of looking pleasantly at others and acting like a mentch. The rest will come automatically."

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Ramban was one great sage who believed that a Jew MUST settle the Holy Land, that this is a command incumbent on all Jewish people, and that even though mitzvot can be done outside the land, that all 613 mitzvot are strengthened when they are performed in Eretz Yisroel.


http://www.ravkooktorah.org/YOM-HAATZMAUT-69.htm

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In general, our connection to sanctity and holiness is through the mitzvot of the Torah. Thus before performing a mitzvah we say, 'Who sanctified us with His mitzvot.' The holiness of Yom Ha'Atzmaut, Rav Tzvi Yehudah explained, is anchored in the holiness of mitzvot. But which particular mitzvah is connected to this historical occasion?

The Ramban defined the mitzvah of yishuv ha'aretz, settling the land of Israel, as "we will not abandon it to another nation, or leave it desolate." This definition makes it clear that the mitzvah is first and foremost an obligation of the nation; the Jewish people are commanded to take possession of the land of Israel and rule over it. On the basis of that national mitzvah, there is a mitzvah for each individual to live in Eretz Yisrael.

The Ramban emphasized that this mitzvah is in effect at all times. This view is upheld in the Shulchan Aruch (Even Ha'ezer 75:6, Pitchei Teshuvah ad loc).

This then is the significance of Yom Ha'Atzmaut: that we have finally merited, after centuries of exile, to once again fulfill this lofty mitzvah, valued by the Sages as 'equal to all the other mitzvot' (Sifre Re'eih), 'to return and possess the land that God promised to our fathers' (Ramban). We should be full of gratitude to live here, in Eretz Yisrael, 'the place that Moses and Aaron did not merit' (Ketubot 112a). We should be grateful to be alive at this time in history, to witness the hour of redemption that so many great and holy leaders of our people did not merit to see.
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