Author Topic: anti-muslim jokes  (Read 35276 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Christian Zionist

  • Master JTFer
  • ******
  • Posts: 1526
  • homosexuality is an abomination to God-Lev.18:22
anti-muslim jokes
« on: August 27, 2006, 02:23:48 PM »

muslims and ham
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 What do you call a muslim with a slice of ham on his head?

Hamed

And a muslim with 2 slices of ham on his head?

mohammed 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

muslims and computer viruses:

Has anyone heard of the latest virus that attacks your computer called the Muslim virus?
Answer: It always starts out as a minority, an begins by telling the user it is a "peaceful virus". Next they acquire numbers and expect the user to give all the backup it demands, and if the user does not do so, it calls the user: "racist".

After they have got so numerous, they insist on taking over every software in the computer. If you do not give in to their demands, they will either take one software hostage every hour and kill one every hour or else they will send their "suicide bomb" format to attack your software. They threaten to kill any software that tries to leave its control once they have acquired it. It always declares jihad everytime.

The worst format that this virus uses is the "suicide bomb" format. This means that it blows itself up as well as any software it comes into contact with. The process of this always results in the destruction of your computer.

The motto of the virus is this: "We are a peaceful virus, but if you will not believe us, we will take hostages every hour and send our suicide bomb format until you do."
 

(By the way muslims are masters in writing destructive computer virus programs!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
scene...a junk shop.


Looking around at the junk, a man notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve bucks for the rat, one hundred bucks for the story," said the owner. The man gave the man twelve bucks. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing . He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze muslim.


 


Isaiah 62:1 -  For Zion's sake I am not silent, And for Jerusalem's sake I do not rest, Till her righteousness go out as brightness, And her salvation, as a torch that burns.

Offline cjd

  • Silver Star JTF Member
  • ********
  • Posts: 8965
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2006, 05:01:34 PM »
I have to say that rat "tale" was excellent if only the solution was that easy!!
He who overlooks one crime invites the commission of another.        Syrus.

A light on to the nations for 60 years


Offline takebackourtemple

  • Honorable Winged Member
  • Master JTFer
  • *
  • Posts: 2449
  • May this be the year that the temple is liberated.
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2006, 11:32:20 PM »

muslims and ham
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 What do you call a muslim with a slice of ham on his head?

Hamed

And a muslim with 2 slices of ham on his head?

mohammed 

And a bisexual muslim with 2 slices of ham on his head?

bihammed
Does it bother you that you have to face the dome and the rock to say the sh'ma?

Rhuan

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2006, 08:36:43 AM »
Islam is against homosexuality as much as Christianity and Judaism are, so your bihammed thing doesn't really make sense.

yephora

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2006, 09:56:40 AM »
It's a punny play on words, silly, and as such it makes perfect sense.

As will this:

3 slices of ham that keep falling off his head?
triagainhammed

Scriabin

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2006, 10:32:42 AM »

 What do you call a muslim with a slice of ham on his head?

Hamed

And a muslim with 2 slices of ham on his head?

mohammed 



Beautiful.

Offline MasterWolf1

  • Honorable Winged Member
  • Silver Star JTF Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8766
  • RESIST NOW!!!
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2006, 06:31:48 PM »
Muzzies are joke on their own its easy to laugh at them. I mean think about it when they pray their heads are in the sand their asses out maybe through there ass they rip out the falafel gas to call upon Allah.
RIGHT WING AMERICAN AND PROUD OF IT. IF YOU WANTED TO PROVE YOU WEREN'T A "RACIST" IN 2008 BY VOTING FOR OBAMA, THEN PROVE IN 2012 YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT FOR VOTING AGAINST OBAMA!

Offline takebackourtemple

  • Honorable Winged Member
  • Master JTFer
  • *
  • Posts: 2449
  • May this be the year that the temple is liberated.
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2006, 10:08:26 PM »
Islam is against homosexuality as much as Christianity and Judaism are, so your bihammed thing doesn't really make sense.

   Are you crazy? The only homosexuality that Islam condemns is when it is between two women. Why do you think Yassir Arafat died of AIDS?
Does it bother you that you have to face the dome and the rock to say the sh'ma?

Offline Christian Zionist

  • Master JTFer
  • ******
  • Posts: 1526
  • homosexuality is an abomination to God-Lev.18:22
more anti-muslim jokes - A Jew reading an arab newspaper
« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2006, 11:46:23 PM »

 A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading a Middle East Arabic newspaper.
 A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, haveyou lost your mind?

Why are you reading an Arabic newspaper?" Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted worldwide , Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arabic newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!".


osama in paradise
Osama made his way to the Pearly Gates. He was greeted by George Washington who yelled "How dare you attack the nation I helped to conceive!" slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry was next and said "You wanted to end American's liberty, so they gave you death" and punched Osama in the face. James Madison came up next and said "This is why I allowed the federal Government to provide for the common defense" and kicked Osama in the groin. Osama was the subject of similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 67 other people who have the same love for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. As Osama writhed in agony on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picked him up and hurled him back to the gates to be judged. While Osama awaited his turn he screamed "this is not what I was promised." An angel replied "I don't know what you expected, you were told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you."
Isaiah 62:1 -  For Zion's sake I am not silent, And for Jerusalem's sake I do not rest, Till her righteousness go out as brightness, And her salvation, as a torch that burns.

Offline khaan

  • Full JTFer
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
  • Resident Muslim!
    • My conworld's site
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2006, 03:02:03 PM »
about that last one: Osama in Paradise:

its so ironic isnt it: http://www.greenleft.org.au/back/2001/465/465p15.htm

"LOVE FOR ALL. HATRED FOR NONE" - the primary motto of the ahmadiyyat, the sect of Islam I belong to.

gentilerighteous

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2006, 06:15:32 PM »
sept 11, 2041 NYC


A 52 year old man is walking holding his 9 year odl grand daughters hand and they are walking down the streets of New York City. They Come upon the spot where the twin towers once stood, and in its place are triplet towers, 2000 feet tall each.
And there is a plaque
On this Spot , On September 11, 2001, The World Changed forever to never again be the same, Here at at the Pentagon In Washington DC, 2996 Brave Souls Gave their lives in a heinous and despicable act. These Triplet Towers are erected in their beloved memory."
Little Girl looked at her grandpa "Whats this?"
He said hunny, it wsa 40 years ago, I was 12 years old, I remember 9-11 youve read that in American and World History, havent you? It was on that awful day that Arabs bombed the towers taht once stood here."
Little Girl looked at her grandpa.
"Grandpa?"
"Yes dear?"
"Whats an arab?"

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Rhuan

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2006, 07:45:43 PM »
Islam is against homosexuality as much as Christianity and Judaism are, so your bihammed thing doesn't really make sense.

   Are you crazy? The only homosexuality that Islam condemns is when it is between two women. Why do you think Yassir Arafat died of AIDS?
Sorry, I was only stating what I beleived to be the case.

Offline khaan

  • Full JTFer
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
  • Resident Muslim!
    • My conworld's site
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2006, 07:53:51 PM »
Quote
Are you crazy? The only homosexuality that Islam condemns is when it is between two women. Why do you think Yassir Arafat died of AIDS?
Show me.

"LOVE FOR ALL. HATRED FOR NONE" - the primary motto of the ahmadiyyat, the sect of Islam I belong to.

Offline takebackourtemple

  • Honorable Winged Member
  • Master JTFer
  • *
  • Posts: 2449
  • May this be the year that the temple is liberated.
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2006, 07:55:13 PM »
Apology accepted.
Does it bother you that you have to face the dome and the rock to say the sh'ma?

Offline takebackourtemple

  • Honorable Winged Member
  • Master JTFer
  • *
  • Posts: 2449
  • May this be the year that the temple is liberated.
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2006, 08:05:02 PM »
Quote
Are you crazy? The only homosexuality that Islam condemns is when it is between two women. Why do you think Yassir Arafat died of AIDS?
Show me.

Just a quick search. This is the first thing that showed up.

SURA LII:24

"And there shall wait on them [the Muslim men] young boys of their own, as fair as virgin pearls."

SURA LXXVI:19

"They shall be attended by boys graced with eternal youth, who will seem like scattered pearls to the beholders."
Does it bother you that you have to face the dome and the rock to say the sh'ma?

Offline Christian Zionist

  • Master JTFer
  • ******
  • Posts: 1526
  • homosexuality is an abomination to God-Lev.18:22
Re: anti-muslim jokes - homosexuality in islam
« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2006, 08:19:58 PM »


 
The Koran contradicts itself on the topic of homosexuality like in many other issues

 The following verses state that homosexuality is forbidden.

(Koran 4:16)
If two men among you is guilty of lewdness, punish
them both...

(Koran 27:55)
Would ye really approach men in your lusts rather
than Women? Nay, ye are a people (grossly) ignorant!

Now the verses below are in clear contradiction of the above verses.

(Koran 52:24)
Round about them will serve, to them, boys
(handsome) as pearls well-guarded.

(Koran 56:17)
Round about them will serve boys of perpetual
freshness.

(Koran 76:19)
And round about them will serve boys of perpetual
freshness: if thou seest them, thou wouldst think
them scattered pearls.

Mohammed could not make up his mind about Sodomy. He prohibits it on earth, but then he says that Muslims can enjoy homosexuality in Paradise. It is a well established fact that many famous Muslims were practicing homosexuals who looked towards the Koran to justify their actions. For example, Babar, the moghul king was madly in love with a young boy named Baburi. Kuttubuddin Aibak, another Muslim ruler of India used to dress up as a woman and dance in a vulgar manner.

Another example is Abu Nuwas--one of the greatest poets in Arabic language writes in the Perfumed Garden:

O the joy of sodomy! So now be sodomites, you Arabs.
Turn not away from it--therein is wondrous pleasure.
Take some coy lad with kiss-curls twisting on his temple
and ride as he stands like some gazelle standing to her mate.

-A lad whom all can see girt with sword and belt
not like your whore who has to go veiled.

Make for smooth-faced boys and do your very best
to mount them, for women are the mounts of the devils.

There are other such poems by Abu Nuwas and others which are more graphic in glorifying homosexuality and lesbianism
Isaiah 62:1 -  For Zion's sake I am not silent, And for Jerusalem's sake I do not rest, Till her righteousness go out as brightness, And her salvation, as a torch that burns.

Rhuan

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #16 on: September 04, 2006, 08:23:13 PM »
One thing I ask of you. Please, do not confuse love, and lust. Love, is a wonderful thing, one of God's greatest gifts to mankind. Lust is an evil thing that comes straight from Satan.

Offline Christian Zionist

  • Master JTFer
  • ******
  • Posts: 1526
  • homosexuality is an abomination to God-Lev.18:22
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #17 on: September 04, 2006, 08:35:18 PM »
Quote
Are you crazy? The only homosexuality that Islam condemns is when it is between two women. Why do you think Yassir Arafat died of AIDS?
Show me.

Khaan,

Hear (read) it from the horse's mouth! - Takebackourtemple is right!


http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/quran/004.qmt.html#004.015

004.015
YUSUFALI: If any of your women are guilty of lewdness, Take the evidence of four (Reliable) witnesses from amongst you against them; and if they testify, confine them to houses until death do claim them, or Allah ordain for them some (other) way.
PICKTHAL: As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness, call to witness four of you against them. And if they testify (to the truth of the allegation) then confine them to the houses until death take them or (until) Allah appoint for them a way (through new legislation).
SHAKIR: And as for those who are guilty of an indecency from among your women, call to witnesses against them four (witnesses) from among you; then if they bear witness confine them to the houses until death takes them away or Allah opens some way for them.

004.016
YUSUFALI: If two men among you are guilty of lewdness, punish them both. If they repent and amend, Leave them alone; for Allah is Oft-returning, Most Merciful.
PICKTHAL: And as for the two of you who are guilty thereof, punish them both. And if they repent and improve, then let them be. Lo! Allah is ever relenting, Merciful.
SHAKIR: And as for the two who are guilty of indecency from among you, give them both a punishment; then if they repent and amend, turn aside from them; surely Allah is Oft-returning (to mercy), the Merciful.
Isaiah 62:1 -  For Zion's sake I am not silent, And for Jerusalem's sake I do not rest, Till her righteousness go out as brightness, And her salvation, as a torch that burns.

Offline khaan

  • Full JTFer
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
  • Resident Muslim!
    • My conworld's site
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #18 on: September 04, 2006, 08:47:08 PM »
ok, ok, i'll check it out with my annotated version and get back to you.

"LOVE FOR ALL. HATRED FOR NONE" - the primary motto of the ahmadiyyat, the sect of Islam I belong to.

Rhuan

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2006, 09:44:01 AM »
Speaking on this topic previously, khaan said that the whole 72 virgins was a mistranslation, and it was actually meant to mean 72 white raisins. I personally don't see how white raisins can really be a reward of any kind... Especially 72 as a reward for all eternity, you're going to eat them on the first day there...

Offline Shlomo

  • Administrator
  • Silver Star JTF Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5210
  • SAVE ISRAEL!
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2006, 11:35:48 AM »
Ya... but we are talking 72 REALLY HUGE raisins that kind of look like Naomi Campbell.
"In the final analysis, for the believer there are no questions, and for the non-believer there are no answers." -Chofetz Chaim

Rhuan

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2006, 02:02:27 PM »
Just to clarify, the reason why this mistranslation can exist, is that the orriginal koran was written with all the vowels ommitted, and the words for white raisin and virgin have the same consonants in arabic, just the vowels are different.

yephora

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2006, 03:10:08 PM »
In that case one would interpret the word according to the context and its use in parallel passages in the Qu'ran.

So ask yourself, which translation makes more sense according to context: virgins, or white raisins? Are there parallel, or similar, passages where a specific number of 'white raisins' are mentioned as a reward in the afterlife?

No?

Then the obvious, correct translation is virgins.

Rhuan

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #23 on: September 05, 2006, 03:14:08 PM »
Another point, as the koran was written with the vowels missed out, and therefore many words can have more than one meaning, it is ncredibly ambiguous, would any text from God be as ambiguous as that?

yephora

  • Guest
Re: anti-muslim jokes
« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2006, 03:19:37 PM »
The Hebrew Bible also was written without any vowels. The same principles of interpretation apply.