Author Topic: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Read 4752 times)

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Offline judeanoncapta

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Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« on: November 27, 2007, 12:48:31 AM »
Bukhari:V6B61N550

 "The Prophet said, ‘It is a bad thing some of you say,"I have forgotten such-and-such verse of the Qur'an." For truly, I have been caused by Allah to forget it. So you must keep on reciting the Qur'an because it escapes faster than a runaway camel.'"

Uh Oh , Muhammad's girlfriend is running away as fast as the Quran is.

Tabari I:321

"When Eve became heavy with her first pregnancy, Satan came to her before she gave birth and said, ‘Eve, what is that in your womb?' She said, ‘I do not know.' He asked, ‘Where will it come out from-your nose, your eye, or your ear?' She replied, ‘I do not know.'"

In Muhammad's version of Bible stories, Eve is now as retarded as a present day Muslim.
Tabari I:279

"It was a tree which made whoever ate from it defecate. But there must be no faeces in Paradise."

Circular logic, but funny.

Tabari I:281

"I heard him swear by Allah unequivocally, ‘As long as Adam was in his right mind, he would never have eaten from the tree. Eve gave him wine and got him drunk. She led him to the tree."

Eve is a master wine maker apparently. She can make a bottle of wine in a less than a day.

Tabari I:267

"And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart."

No comment necessary. This is a genuine quote, by the way.

Bukhari:V1B4N137 

"Allah's Apostle said, ‘The prayer of a person who does Hadath (passes urine, stool or wind) is not accepted till he performs ablution.'"

Muslims apparently need a message from G-d in order to tell them to wash their hands after going to the Bathroom. Yuk.

Bukhari:V1B4N139

"I asked Allah's Apostle about a person who imagined they passed wind during prayer. He replied: ‘He should not leave his prayer unless he hears sound or smells something.'"

I thought that most people were able tell whether they themselves broke wind, but the stupidity of Muslims is quite extraordinary. Don't put anything past them.

Bukhari:V1B4N174

"During the lifetime of Allah's Apostle dogs used to urinate and pass through the mosque. Nevertheless they never used to sprinkle water on it."

Dog Piss in a mosque is fine with Muhammad. I wholeheartedly agree.

Tabari I:367

Tell us about Noah's ark.' He said, ‘It was 1,200 cubits long [nearly 4,000 feet] and 600 cubits wide. It had three stories, one for domestic and wild animals, another for human beings, and a third for birds. When the dung of the animals became excessive, Allah inspired Noah to tickle the elephant's tail. He did, and a male and female hog fell down and attacked the dung. When the rat fell down into the seams of the planks of the ark and gnawed at them, Allah inspired Noah to strike the lion between its eyes and a male and female cat came out from its nose and attacked the rat.'"

Ha!  two pigs falling out of an elephant's butt. Only Muhammad could make something up this funny.

Tabari II:99

"Abraham was tested with ten Islamic practices: rinsing the mouth, cleansing nostrils with water, trimming the mustache, using a toothstick, plucking the armpit, paring nails, washing finger joints, circumcision, shaving pubic hair, and washing the rear and vulva."

Only Muslims could consider hygiene a test from G-d.

Tabari VI:66

"Umar said, ‘By Allah I was by one of the idols of the Jahiliyyah. An Arab sacrificed a calf to it, and we were waiting for it to be divided up in order to receive a share. I heard coming from the belly of the calf a voice which was more penetrating than any I've heard. The dead calf's belly said, ‘There is no ilah but Allah.'"

Cool, I always ask bellies of dead cows sacrificed to pagan gods for religious advice. So did Umar.

Tabari VI:75 

"‘Messenger, how did you first know with absolute certainty that you were a prophet?' He replied, ‘Two angels came to me while I was somewhere in Mecca.... One angel said, "Open his breast and take out his heart." He opened my chest and heart, removing the pollution of Satan and a clot of blood, and threw them away. Then one said, "Wash his breast as you would a receptacle." He summoned the Sakinah, which looked like the face of a white cat, and it was placed in my heart. Then one said, "Sew up his breast." So they sewed up my chest and placed the seal between my shoulders.'"

Why, oh why didn't those angels throw his black heart into the nearest trash receptacle?

Bukhari:V7B71N590

"The climate of Medina did not suit some people so the Prophet ordered them to drink camel urine as a medicine."

My G-d, when do Muslims ever say to themselves "Could Muhammad be dispensing crappy advice?"


Bukhari:V7B71N592

"I heard Allah's Apostle saying, ‘There is healing in black cumin for all diseases except death.'"

I don't need a prophet to tell me that cumin doesn't make one immortal.

Bukhari:V7B71N673

"Allah's Apostle said, ‘If a fly falls in your drink, dip all of it into the cup and then throw it away, for in one of its wings there is a disease and in the other there is healing, an antidote or treatment for that disease.'"

The Islamic version of Healing Teas. Yum.

Qur'an 49:12

"Spy not behind the backs of others. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?"

No thank you. I'll pass on eating my brother's carcass.

Bukhari:V1B3N68

"Muhammad used to take care of us in preaching by selecting a suitable time, so that we might not get bored. He abstained from pestering us with sermons and knowledge."

Good idea. Don't pester Muslims with knowledge. It tends to piss them off.

Muslim:B40N6837

"Allah's Messenger delivered an address, mentioning a camel and a bad person who cut off its hind legs, reciting: ‘When the basest of them broke forth with mischief.' He then delivered instruction saying: ‘There are amongst you those who beat their women. They flog them like slave girls. Then after flogging them like slaves they comfort them in their beds as a result at the end of the day.' He then advised in regard to people laughing at the breaking of wind and said: ‘You laugh at that which you yourself do.'"

HAHAHAHAHAHA    No comment. That was toooooo funny.

Bukhari:V3B33N254

"Satan circulates in human beings as blood flows in our bodies."

Speak for yourself, Muhammad.

Tabari II:121

"Gabriel spread out his wings and gouged out their eyes. Gabriel seized Sodom's girdle, snatching it up so high into the sky the angels could hear their dogs. He threw rocks at the laggards, one after the other. There were three towns called Sodom that lay between Medina and Syria. It has been mentioned that there were four million people in the town."

Wow. A town in Arabia four times the size of Rome. Sounds plausible.

Qur'an 86:13

"Lo this (Qur'an) is a conclusive Word; it is not a thing for amusement. It is no pleasantry. And it is no joke."

I thought it was a pretty good joke, Muhammad.

Be more confident and you can make it in the stand up circuit.


« Last Edit: November 27, 2007, 12:56:36 AM by judeanoncapta »
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Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2007, 12:53:59 AM »
Only Muhammad would give a sermon to his followers about laughing at farts.
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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2007, 12:55:31 AM »
Into fart humour was he?

Maybe he was a Canadian.

Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2007, 01:00:08 AM »
Into fart humour was he?

Maybe he was a Canadian.

No, he wasn't.

his followers were into farts and Muhammad wanted to let people know that the people laughing at farts also fart themelves.

A valid, but stupid point.
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Offline jdl4ever

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2007, 01:13:49 AM »
The reason why Muhammad couldn't remember the Koran is because he couldn't read, that's why he had to "recite it".  :D
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Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2007, 01:22:28 AM »
The reason why Muhammad couldn't remember the Koran is because he couldn't read, that's why he had to "recite it".  :D

Right.

 Muslims beleive that the scriptures became corrupted so Allah needed to re-send his message to mankind.

Allah is apparently as stupid as Muslims are, because he chooses an illiterate who rapidly forgets whatever he is told.
« Last Edit: November 27, 2007, 01:23:59 AM by judeanoncapta »
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Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2007, 02:27:00 AM »
Quran 2:106

"When We cancel a message (sent to an earlier prophet) or throw it into oblivion, We replace it with one better or one similar. Do you not know that God has power over all things?"

Don't you wish Allah would throw the whole Vile Quran into oblivion?


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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2007, 02:34:01 AM »
Quran 2:106

"When We cancel a message (sent to an earlier prophet) or throw it into oblivion, We replace it with one better or one similar. Do you not know that G-d has power over all things?"

Don't you wish Allah would throw the whole Vile Quran into oblivion?




Lemme get this right.

According to the muSSlims, G_d's eternal covenant with the Jews can cease to be eternal if G_d changes his mind. Now they claim that Mo' will be the last 'prophet'. Surely G_d can change his mind about that too. Maybe David Koresh is the new 'prophet'.

Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #8 on: November 27, 2007, 02:39:57 AM »
Hey, If I were Allah, I would throw the Quran into oblivion as well.
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Offline Muck DeFuslims

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #9 on: November 27, 2007, 02:44:43 AM »
Good old Mo, The Islamic Comic. Urine be upon the sewer rat.

Offline JTFFan

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2007, 03:15:34 AM »
 :::D :::D


Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2007, 12:33:42 PM »
Good old Mo, The Islamic Comic. Urine be upon the sewer rat.

Don't you mean, The Pirate Muhammad Piss be upon him.
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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2007, 12:58:00 PM »
Good old Mo, The Islamic Comic. Urine be upon the sewer rat.
Bukhari:V7B71N590

"The climate of Medina did not suit some people so the Prophet ordered them to drink camel urine as a medicine."

Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2007, 01:03:37 PM »
Bukhari:V7B71N590

"The climate of Medina did not suit some people so the Prophet ordered them to drink camel urine as a medicine."

My G-d, when do Muslims ever say to themselves "Could Muhammad be dispensing crappy advice?"

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Offline judeanoncapta

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2009, 05:23:41 AM »
Sorry for bumping but I needed to bring it out of the darkness.
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Offline Ulli

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2009, 05:49:06 AM »
Kitab al-salat

Book 004, Number 1032:

Quote
Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of 'Allah (may peace be upon him) said: When any one of you stands for prayer and there is a thing before him equal to the back of the saddle that covers him and in case there is not before him (a thing) equal to the back of the saddle, his prayer would be cut off by (passing of an) ass, woman, and black Dog. I said: O Abu Dharr, what feature is there in a black dog which distinguish it from the red dog and the yellow dog? He said: O, son of my brother, I asked the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) as you are asking me, and he said: The black dog is a devil.
and

Kitab al buyu

Book 010, Number 3813:

Quote
Abu Zubair heard Jabir b. 'Abdullah (Allah be pleased with him) saying: Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) ordered us to kill dogs, and we carried out this order so much so that we also kill the dog coming with a woman from the desert. Then Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) forbade their killing. He (the Holy Prophet further) said: It is your duty the jet-black (dog) having two spots (on the eyes), for it is a devil.

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Offline freekaradzic

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Re: Here's the Original Muslim Comedian, Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Reply #16 on: April 12, 2009, 07:36:34 PM »
Bukhari:V6B61N550

 "The Prophet said, ‘It is a bad thing some of you say,"I have forgotten such-and-such verse of the Qur'an." For truly, I have been caused by Allah to forget it. So you must keep on reciting the Qur'an because it escapes faster than a runaway camel.'"

Uh Oh , Muhammad's girlfriend is running away as fast as the Quran is.

Tabari I:321

"When Eve became heavy with her first pregnancy, Satan came to her before she gave birth and said, ‘Eve, what is that in your womb?' She said, ‘I do not know.' He asked, ‘Where will it come out from-your nose, your eye, or your ear?' She replied, ‘I do not know.'"

In Muhammad's version of Bible stories, Eve is now as retarded as a present day Muslim.
Tabari I:279

"It was a tree which made whoever ate from it defecate. But there must be no faeces in Paradise."

Circular logic, but funny.

Tabari I:281

"I heard him swear by Allah unequivocally, ‘As long as Adam was in his right mind, he would never have eaten from the tree. Eve gave him wine and got him drunk. She led him to the tree."

Eve is a master wine maker apparently. She can make a bottle of wine in a less than a day.

Tabari I:267

"And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart."

No comment necessary. This is a genuine quote, by the way.

Bukhari:V1B4N137 

"Allah's Apostle said, ‘The prayer of a person who does Hadath (passes urine, stool or wind) is not accepted till he performs ablution.'"

Muslims apparently need a message from G-d in order to tell them to wash their hands after going to the Bathroom. Yuk.

Bukhari:V1B4N139

"I asked Allah's Apostle about a person who imagined they passed wind during prayer. He replied: ‘He should not leave his prayer unless he hears sound or smells something.'"

I thought that most people were able tell whether they themselves broke wind, but the stupidity of Muslims is quite extraordinary. Don't put anything past them.

Bukhari:V1B4N174

"During the lifetime of Allah's Apostle dogs used to urinate and pass through the mosque. Nevertheless they never used to sprinkle water on it."

Dog Piss in a mosque is fine with Muhammad. I wholeheartedly agree.

Tabari I:367

Tell us about Noah's ark.' He said, ‘It was 1,200 cubits long [nearly 4,000 feet] and 600 cubits wide. It had three stories, one for domestic and wild animals, another for human beings, and a third for birds. When the dung of the animals became excessive, Allah inspired Noah to tickle the elephant's tail. He did, and a male and female hog fell down and attacked the dung. When the rat fell down into the seams of the planks of the ark and gnawed at them, Allah inspired Noah to strike the lion between its eyes and a male and female cat came out from its nose and attacked the rat.'"

Ha!  two pigs falling out of an elephant's butt. Only Muhammad could make something up this funny.

Tabari II:99

"Abraham was tested with ten Islamic practices: rinsing the mouth, cleansing nostrils with water, trimming the mustache, using a toothstick, plucking the armpit, paring nails, washing finger joints, circumcision, shaving pubic hair, and washing the rear and vulva."

Only Muslims could consider hygiene a test from G-d.

Tabari VI:66

"Umar said, ‘By Allah I was by one of the idols of the Jahiliyyah. An Arab sacrificed a calf to it, and we were waiting for it to be divided up in order to receive a share. I heard coming from the belly of the calf a voice which was more penetrating than any I've heard. The dead calf's belly said, ‘There is no ilah but Allah.'"

Cool, I always ask bellies of dead cows sacrificed to pagan gods for religious advice. So did Umar.

Tabari VI:75 

"‘Messenger, how did you first know with absolute certainty that you were a prophet?' He replied, ‘Two angels came to me while I was somewhere in Mecca.... One angel said, "Open his breast and take out his heart." He opened my chest and heart, removing the pollution of Satan and a clot of blood, and threw them away. Then one said, "Wash his breast as you would a receptacle." He summoned the Sakinah, which looked like the face of a white cat, and it was placed in my heart. Then one said, "Sew up his breast." So they sewed up my chest and placed the seal between my shoulders.'"

Why, oh why didn't those angels throw his black heart into the nearest trash receptacle?

Bukhari:V7B71N590

"The climate of Medina did not suit some people so the Prophet ordered them to drink camel urine as a medicine."

My G-d, when do Muslims ever say to themselves "Could Muhammad be dispensing crappy advice?"


Bukhari:V7B71N592

"I heard Allah's Apostle saying, ‘There is healing in black cumin for all diseases except death.'"

I don't need a prophet to tell me that cumin doesn't make one immortal.

Bukhari:V7B71N673

"Allah's Apostle said, ‘If a fly falls in your drink, dip all of it into the cup and then throw it away, for in one of its wings there is a disease and in the other there is healing, an antidote or treatment for that disease.'"

The Islamic version of Healing Teas. Yum.

Qur'an 49:12

"Spy not behind the backs of others. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?"

No thank you. I'll pass on eating my brother's carcass.

Bukhari:V1B3N68

"Muhammad used to take care of us in preaching by selecting a suitable time, so that we might not get bored. He abstained from pestering us with sermons and knowledge."

Good idea. Don't pester Muslims with knowledge. It tends to piss them off.

Muslim:B40N6837

"Allah's Messenger delivered an address, mentioning a camel and a bad person who cut off its hind legs, reciting: ‘When the basest of them broke forth with mischief.' He then delivered instruction saying: ‘There are amongst you those who beat their women. They flog them like slave girls. Then after flogging them like slaves they comfort them in their beds as a result at the end of the day.' He then advised in regard to people laughing at the breaking of wind and said: ‘You laugh at that which you yourself do.'"

HAHAHAHAHAHA    No comment. That was toooooo funny.

Bukhari:V3B33N254

"Satan circulates in human beings as blood flows in our bodies."

Speak for yourself, Muhammad.

Tabari II:121

"Gabriel spread out his wings and gouged out their eyes. Gabriel seized Sodom's girdle, snatching it up so high into the sky the angels could hear their dogs. He threw rocks at the laggards, one after the other. There were three towns called Sodom that lay between Medina and Syria. It has been mentioned that there were four million people in the town."

Wow. A town in Arabia four times the size of Rome. Sounds plausible.

Qur'an 86:13

"Lo this (Qur'an) is a conclusive Word; it is not a thing for amusement. It is no pleasantry. And it is no joke."

I thought it was a pretty good joke, Muhammad.

Be more confident and you can make it in the stand up circuit.




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