Daddy: who were the Maccabees?!

[wonga66]

Who were the Maccabees?
 
A Litvish Haredi father explains:



-Abba, how did we beat the Greeks?

-With the help of G-d.

-So what were the Maccabees for?

-They were only soldiers. G-d helped them, thank G-d, and blessed be G-d, they won.

-The Maccabees were soldiers?

-Uh... soldiers of G-d. Armies of G-d.

-So the Maccabees were Lubvitchers?

-No! No! G-d forbid! They were Litvaks.

-Did Judah Maccabee carry a weapon?

-Yes.

-So was Judah Maccabee secular or a non-Jew?

-G-d forbid! What is this secular or non-Jew stuff?

-But only secularists and non-Jews go to the army.

-Religious Jews used to also go to the army.

-Why did the Maccabees go to the army and we don't?

-Because today, the Torah protects us.

-And the Torah didn't protect them then?

-Maybe go read some Mishnah with Moishey?

-Did the Maccabees learn Mishnah?

-They learned Torah. Lots of Torah.

-And they didn't work?

-G-d forbid.

-So Antiochus gave them money.

-No. They worked and made money here and there.

-Off the books, like Uncle Yanky?

-Yanky doesn't work off the books!

-So what did Matitiyahu do for a living?

-He was a farmer.

-Matitiyahu was a Thai?

-G-d have mercy! What's this Thai business?

-So how did he work in the fields with a white shirt?

-Where did you get that he wore a white shirt?

-Moishey told me that a real Jew wears a white shirt.

-You get mixed up too much with this Moishey. But he's right.

-What did the Maccabees want?

-They wanted an independent Jewish state that they would run.

-Is that what we want, too?

-Yes, but we can't tell anyone. We aren't Zionists.

-Abba, I want to be a Maccabee, a Zionist, a soldier!

-Gevalt! What happened to you?

-Just kidding, Abba. I'm going to see a Schwacky show with Moishe.

-Ah, good. Give my regards to Moishey's family.




A secular father explains:

-Abba, why did the Maccabees fight against the Greeks?

-Not now.

-Why not now?

-I'm watching basketball now.

-Come on, Abba!

-Uh... what does it matter. The important thing is that they won.

-Abba, in the encyclopedia, it says that it was because the Maccabees didn't want to eat pork.

-Could be.

-And for that, there was such a war?!

-Look, pork is full of cholesterol; maybe the Maccabees were into health and all that.

-And because of that there was a war?

-These Maccabee health nuts can be really extreme.

-Why did the Greeks force them to eat pork?

-Because the religious Jews make an issue out of everything.

-Were the Maccabees religious?

-Are you kidding? Religious Jews don't go to the army.

-So how did they beat all the Greeks?

-G-d helped them.

-But you said there is no G-d.

-True, there isn't.

-So is there or isn't there?

-There isn't. But they thought there was.

-Abba, I don't understand.

-What don't you understand?

-If there's a G-d.

-So ask Ima.

-Whenever you don't know something, you send me to Ima.

-I know important things. Whether there's a G-d isn't important.

-It says that Judah Maccabee beat the Greeks at Beit Horon.

-If it says it, it says it.

-Where is Beit Horon?

-Far away. It's not in Israel; it's in America.

-Abba, Columbus only discovered America in 1492.

-You know you're a pain? It's in the West Bank.

-What? Abba, were the Maccabees settlers?

-I knew it. Maybe go play with Sean?

-Abba, next time we're at Tiv Taam, are they going to force me to eat pork, too?

-If you continue with these questions, there'll be no Festigal this year!

-But Abba, I'm afraid. I only have one sister.

-So what?

-The Maccabees were five brothers, and they all fought together.

-Maybe go watch Dora?

-I want to watch Maccabee.

-Good, watch Maccabee.

-Abba, where are the Maccabees?

-Here in yellow. [note: Maccabee is the name of a sports team]

-Those are Maccabees?

-Yes.

-What are their names?

-Fizer, Bynum, Batista, Blumenthal and Cummings.

-Abba, you're being annoying. Those aren't the Maccabees' names.

-Where are you going?

-To fight the Greeks!

-You aren't going anywhere!

-I want to be a Maccabee, religious, a settler!

-Are you crazy?? You aren't leaving this house, do you hear!!

-Just kidding, Abba, relax. I'm going with Sean to McDonalds.

-Ah. Good. Pick me up a cheeseburger.