Thank you RubyStars. I am a big believer in free will and that people do not have 'everything' or get 'everything' in life. We all need to make peace with what we have and the hands we are dealt and make the best of it. It took me a long time to come to this and so this is where I am. Age also helps for perspective and for making you less..what's a nice way to say it, charged, maybe.
Thank you Chaim for your and others' kind responses. Unfortunately, I do not believe people can come out of homosexuality. I know that many JTFers will not agree, but I feel I was 'born' this way. That said, and as you have said many times for my and other's benefit, I (we) have a choice, to act or not to act on the desire. I choose to try my best to not act on the desire. Organizations that promote 'change,' I believe they have good intentions, but look at all the people who are caught 2, 3, 4 years later doing sleazy things in places that I was never in as an "out" gay person. I wish I could be married, but I think as a person in his mid-late thirties this would be selfish. A woman has a right to feel loved in everyway, she deserves a man who will feel a certain kind of passion for her. What kind of life is it for her if she has a very milk-toast husband who never loved her with the kind of "oomph" she deserved?
I do feel bad about not procreating, that is something that I still struggle with.