starting shiddach dating

[The One and Only Mo]

I met with a shadchan for the first time on Sunday. Today she called me with the names of the 3 girls..... Does anybody else have shiddach dating experience etc?

[Dr. Dan]

Nope. Just luck and kismat

[muman613]

Mazel Tov...

Though I don't know much about it... The best thing is to go in without very high expectations. Sometimes men will want to wait for the 'perfect' woman, yet there is no 'perfect' woman... So you keep waiting and waiting... But you should try to know what it is you are looking for. Remember that looks are not everything {looks are one of the first things to fade in a relationship}...

[The One and Only Mo]

Well, I'll be dating mostly Bais Yaakov type girls, maybe Liberal Bais Yaakov (no, not politically Liberal, lol) so it might take a while before I find the girl who is on my page both religiously and personality-wise. Like I want to be learning 3 hours a day yet I also want to watch How I Met Your Mother. I love talking about Torah but I also like to laugh at the occasional dirty joke... Kind of an interesting combo, especially for a "modern" Bais Yaakov girl. Oh yeah and she has to hate Arabs DUH.

[Kahane-Was-Right BT]

I met with a shadchan for the first time on Sunday. Today she called me with the names of the 3 girls..... Does anybody else have shiddach dating experience etc?

I don't yet.  Hatzlaha rabba, and let's share our experiences!

[Kahane-Was-Right BT]

Well, I'll be dating mostly Bais Yaakov type girls, maybe Liberal Bais Yaakov (no, not politically Liberal, lol) so it might take a while before I find the girl who is on my page both religiously and personality-wise. Like I want to be learning 3 hours a day yet I also want to watch How I Met Your Mother. I love talking about Torah but I also like to laugh at the occasional dirty joke... Kind of an interesting combo, especially for a "modern" Bais Yaakov girl. Oh yeah and she has to hate Arabs DUH.

Haha, that show is kind of funny.

[The One and Only Mo]

I don't yet.  Hatzlaha rabba, and let's share our experiences!

Wait how old are you?

[Yaakov Mendel]

If I may give you some sort of "advice" on this personal matter, my take is that you should remain relatively open-minded, you should not go with a fixed list of criteria in your mind and examine these girls as if it were some sort of quality control inspection. That is not the way a relationship works. For love and attraction to arise, I believe there has to be an element of surprise and unpredictability. You are right to be careful that she will share the same fundamental values and principles as you, but, as long as you agree on the latter, a few differences can do you a lot of good. Living with someone who is too similar to you may be comfortable but it can be pretty boring too.
Don't get engaged if you do not feel strongly attracted. That woman is not going to be just a reliable partner or someone you esteem. If she makes you feel vulnerable and insecure, it's a good sign. She's got to challenge your notion that everything is under control. If you want to let that happen, you need to expose yourself.

Good luck !

[The One and Only Mo]

If I may give you some sort of "advice" on this personal matter, my take is that you should remain relatively open-minded, you should not go with a fixed list of criteria in your mind and examine these girls as if it were some sort of quality control inspection. That is not the way a relationship works. For love and attraction to arise, I believe there has to be an element of surprise and unpredictability. You are right to be careful that she will share the same fundamental values and principles as you, but, as long as you agree on the latter, a few differences can do you a lot of good. Living with someone who is too similar to you may be comfortable but it can be pretty boring too.
Don't get engaged if you do not feel strongly attracted. That woman is not going to be just a reliable partner or someone you esteem. If she makes you feel vulnerable and insecure, it's a good sign. She's got to challenge your notion that everything is under control. If you want to let that happen, you need to expose yourself.

Good luck !

Thanks man

[IsraeliGovtAreKapos]

If I may give you some sort of "advice" on this personal matter, my take is that you should remain relatively open-minded, you should not go with a fixed list of criteria in your mind and examine these girls as if it were some sort of quality control inspection. That is not the way a relationship works. For love and attraction to arise, I believe there has to be an element of surprise and unpredictability. You are right to be careful that she will share the same fundamental values and principles as you, but, as long as you agree on the latter, a few differences can do you a lot of good. Living with someone who is too similar to you may be comfortable but it can be pretty boring too.
Don't get engaged if you do not feel strongly attracted. That woman is not going to be just a reliable partner or someone you esteem. If she makes you feel vulnerable and insecure, it's a good sign. She's got to challenge your notion that everything is under control. If you want to let that happen, you need to expose yourself.

Good luck !

He's not looking for a shiksa

[Yaakov Mendel]

He's not looking for a shiksa

I know he is looking for an orthodox engagement, and I fully respect that and encourage him. But why would an orthodox engagement rule out love and feelings ? Of course it doesn't. I hope he will fall in love with a great Jewish woman who will share his feelings. Just because a woman keeps the mitzvot doesn't mean she's not attractive and she cannot have a true romance with a Jewish man.

[The One and Only Mo]

You can still fall in love by the 3rd or 4th date - - - each date is a loooooong time and you don't waste time.....I'm not saying it's going to happen with me, but it's been done.

[Secularbeliever]

I know this won't add much to the discussion but it was a funny story.  When I was in my mid twenties there was a Jewish woman in San Francisco running a dating sight.  She offered one free match, and while I found the idea of a dating service distasteful, I never turned down anything free.  So I met with her and filled out her form.

She looks at my answers.  She starts, "You only list woman your age or younger, have you considered older women?"
"Why do you only have older women in your group?"
"Well I am sure we will get the younger women"

"You only want women in San Francisco or nearby, have you considered women in the San Jose area?" 
"That is a drive of one hour for me, is that where the women you have are?"

"You say you want a non smoker what if she is a polite smoker"

"You say you want a Jewish woman, what if she is a non Jew who likes Jewish men?
I could just feel my expectations being ripped apart.  I was just waiting for "does it have to be a woman, you know many gay people are very happy"  Luckily dhe did not say that.

[Kahane-Was-Right BT]

Yaakov - why would being made to feel insecure and vulnerable be a "good sign?"

[Yaakov Mendel]

Yaakov - why would being made to feel insecure and vulnerable be a "good sign?"

That's the way you often feel when you are in love. You feel vulnerable because you are suddenly more emotional, you are anxious to see your loved one and feel bad when she is away, you mood easily swings from enthusiasm to depression, you wonder whether your love is shared... Passion has many symptoms of a disease !
But of course you may react differently, I am not saying you have to go through what I just described, and the intensity of it will depend on your sensitivity, your personality and your age.

[muman613]

That's the way you often feel when you are in love. You feel vulnerable because you are suddenly more emotional, you are anxious to see your loved one and feel bad when she is away, you mood easily swings from enthusiasm to depression, you wonder whether your love is shared... Passion has many symptoms of a disease !
But of course you may react differently, I am not saying you have to go through what I just described, and the intensity of it will depend on your sensitivity, your personality and your age.

I know what you are saying..

[Kahane-Was-Right BT]

I've been thru falling for women before and certainly it makes you a little bit uncertain or generally excited about things, but that was about it.   I think if the girl's presence literally makes you uncomfortable and lack confidence, it's time to look elsewhere.  I don't really think a person should ever lack confidence if he can help it.

[Dr. Dan]

Shiddach dating probably wouldn't have ever worked well with me in the past because I would automatically like the girl if she seemed nice at first.

But as a bit of advice when choosing your mate.  While looks are important, the following are absolutely musts:

1. She has to be Jewish
2. Find out if she will be a good wife.
3. Find out if she will be a good mother to your kids.
4. All the rest is commentary.

[The One and Only Mo]

Shiddach dating probably wouldn't have ever worked well with me in the past because I would automatically like the girl if she seemed nice at first.

But as a bit of advice when choosing your mate.  While looks are important, the following are absolutely musts:

1. She has to be Jewish
2. Find out if she will be a good wife.
3. Find out if she will be a good mother to your kids.
4. All the rest is commentary.

I think I made it clear that I will be dating pretty orthodox/yeshivish girls.

[Dr. Dan]

I think I made it clear that I will be dating pretty orthodox/yeshivish girls.

well, they're jews.  how old are you?  are you in nyc?