On Shalom Bayit : Harmony in Marriage according to Jewish wisdom

[muman613]

Shalom & Shana Tova!

Recently a friend has been asking me several questions concerning perceived injustices against women in Jewish law concerning marriage. I want to clarify that Judaism does not take divorce casually, rather the Rabbis have always attempted to create peace in the home (which is what Shalom Bayit means) in order to save marriages. Marriage is a legal obligation in Judaism, a responsibility for the man to provide all the needs of the wife, and the wife must remain faithful to her husband.

If a man mistreats his wife he is look down upon among the community. In a religious community it is important to keep your 'other half' satisfied and happy. From the creation of mankind to the separation of Chava from Adams rib the human is a composite of both a feminine and a masculine spiritual force. Through a real connection to a soul-mate we sanctify the relationship through the Marriage.

I will find articles on Shalom Bayit and post some here, to demonstrate how this concept is important to the Jewish world, and the entire world can learn from these ideas.



http://www.aish.com/f/m/What_Husbands_Need_to_Know.html?s=mpw

What Husbands Need to Know
by Anonymous

How I stopped being cruel to my wife and saved my marriage.

In ten years of marriage, my wife and I were blessed with four beautiful children. But the marriage itself was often difficult and painful. We were divorced for two and a half years. Then we remarried.

This is not a recommended course of events, but Divine Providence took me on this unusual path. Fortunately, my wife and I usually got along pretty well during the time we were divorced and I saw my kids nearly every day. But being divorced was definitely not ideal. There were times that the hate I had for my wife was so intense that I could never repeat those awful thoughts out loud.

I now realize that my marriage was lacking true harmony from the very beginning. At the time of the divorce, I did not know about the concept of Shalom Bayit, the uniquely Jewish approach to peace in the home. I never had a real understanding of how precious the marital relationship is. Our first marriage was filled with periods of calm and periods of tension and discord. I always felt there was something missing. I never had the inner peace that the calm would last. There was always a storm brewing around the corner. We could go a couple weeks or maybe a month or two when things were relatively smooth, but I always knew it wouldn't last. And inevitably, I would blame the ups and downs on my wife.

Our troubles weren’t dramatic. It was simply the day to day negativity that ate up the marriage. My wife would make a critical comment about my family. I would immediately take the insult to heart and attack her right back for the direct affront to the people who meant the most to me. After all, she knew how deeply I loved my parents and how any attack on them hit me at my weakest spot. How dare she hurt me in that way? Another tender area was the children. She often voiced her displeasure at the way I parented. She would often undermine me and refuse to back me up when I made a decision. I couldn’t understand her passive aggressive behavior, especially when it came to matters dealing with the kids.

Regardless of the trigger I would get extremely defensive and tumble reactively into “win mode,” feeling I simply had to win the argument. That dynamic would spark a cold war of sorts, where we wouldn’t speak for days or even weeks. I found it easier to shut down and just not have anything to do with her when I sensed she was upset with me. I would just escape into endless hours of mind-numbing television and internet surfing. After a while I was usually able to get us back on track with humor, but even my humor eventually stopped working and reconciliation became almost impossible. Before long another silly incident, insult, or miscommunication would present itself to allow us to further tear down our marriage.

My only conclusion was that my wife was an unhappy and unreasonable woman, who couldn't deal with the fact I was basically a good (albeit imperfect) husband and father. It was almost as if her personality just couldn't be content if things were too calm for too long.

After years of the marriage slowly wearing away, we made the mutual decision to divorce. But a person takes themselves with them wherever they go, and divorced life didn’t provide the relief I was hoping for. My wife felt the pain and vulnerability too. After two-and-a half years, we made the radical decision to give the marriage another shot.

Ralated Article: 5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship

A Second Chance

It was a great feeling to get the second chance to be a husband and full-time father. How many divorced people get the opportunity to be together as a family again? Things were very good and we were very considerate of each other. It seemed we both grew and learned a lot about ourselves during the time we were divorced. Unfortunately, after several months we fell back into the same old negative patterns and pitfalls after the "honeymoon" period was over. We had been in counseling but it felt like those sessions were just scheduled times for my wife to blame me for all my faults. She would express why she wasn't happy, but it never made sense to me. She was always overreacting, claiming I just didn't "get her."

It frustrated me to no end when I heard the words; “You just don’t get me.” Until recently I didn’t know what this meant or how to react when accused of this. My wife could never understand why I didn’t need the same level of attention that she did. If anything she didn’t “get” me! If, for example, I broke something or cut my finger it would anger me when she asked if I was okay. I would instinctively snap back at her with a sarcastic comment. She didn’t understand that all she had to do was leave me alone and I’d be fine.

I simply did not have a need for her getting involved. When she would ask me how my day was I often had zero interest in sharing because there was usually little to say and it was downright unpleasant to have to talk about it. On rare occasions I did decide to share “just the facts,” but when her annoying, multiple follow up questions would inevitably start, I would become abrupt and rude, and that would effectively end the conversation. I had no problem sharing these things with my father or a closer friend, but for some reason I found my wife to be as annoying as nails to a chalkboard.

More recently our differences in how we felt about and observed Judaism came into play. The more I learned and I observed, the more I became critical of my wife and all the things she wasn’t doing or was doing “wrong.” I was disappointed that she didn’t want to improve and grow and was concerned we were harming our children by not teaching them properly. I often thought I would be much better off if I met an observant woman who would help my spiritual ascent rather than hold me back and keep me in such a distressed place.

I think we both felt deep down that we got back together for financial considerations as well as for the sake of the kids. I was kicking myself for getting back together because no matter what I did or how good a husband I would try to be, I was never going to satisfy her. She just wasn't capable of being satisfied! I felt so foolish. It got to the point where we were both ready to walk away and admit with much embarrassment that we made a terrible mistake - twice! Our second marriage would not even make it to the first anniversary.

Accepting Responsibility

I felt cornered and hopeless, thinking how my kids were going to suffer greatly both short-term and long-term. I was in one of the deepest ruts in my life, at which point something happened that changed my inner world and the whole course of my marriage. Two people recommended the same book on marriage, The Garden of Peace by Rabbi Shalom Arush, within a week of one another.

One reading of the book and I felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. Suddenly I was able to see my situation in an entirely different light. All the confusion I was experiencing about my marriage became crystal clear. I realized that underneath all of my blaming, criticizing and finger pointing, there lay a fundamental truth. The true reason for all my marital strife was me.

How could it be all my fault? There must have been things my wife did to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage! What about all of her miserable behavior?

The Ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract, clearly states that the husband is ultimately responsible for his wife's happiness and hence the husband is primarily responsible for Shalom Bayis. This was a complete paradigm shift for me. It may not be politically correct, but I believe it is the truth. It is the men that need to initiate the giving, especially when it comes to giving honor. As the Talmud says, "There is no blessing in one's home without the wife's honor." All the blessings a husband receives are in the merit of his wife.

When a husband honors and loves his wife, she feels invigorated and will respond in kind. The complaints and nagging are now almost non-existent, and the frustration and tension with matters related to intimacy are dissolving. We have never felt this close and secure in our marriage, and just about all of it has to do with my wife seeing and feeling consistent, deep rooted changes in me.

Shalom Bayit is one of the most important mitzvahs of our lives; the worth of a man is largely dependent on how he treats his wife; not just in public but also behind closed doors. Perhaps an analogy would be to view the husband as the sun, and the woman to a flower. If the flower isn't blooming (the woman is acting negatively, withdrawing, complaining, nagging, or being passive aggressive), the first place to examine is to see if it’s getting the proper amount of nourishing sunlight.

I realize this is antithetical to much of today's pop psychology on marriage. I know many will raise eyebrows at the teaching that marital harmony is primarily a male responsibility. I also had my doubts not too long ago. But then I saw how everything fell into place once I started to treat my wife properly.

I never cursed or physically abused my wife, but I now see that I was in fact a cruel husband. Every time I was stingy and tight with money, criticizing every penny she spent, that was a form of cruelty. Every time I didn't give her my full attention or was abrupt when she spoke to me or asked for my help, that was cruelty. Perhaps those actions seem like common flaws, yet once I stopped blaming my wife and started looking inwardly, I began to see how responsible I was for the deterioration of our marriage, and how so much of her "misbehavior" and "complaining" was simply a response to my complete misunderstanding of what my wife really wanted from me.

Once I began to look within, I saw a man who was generous with his time, attention, and money with anyone who needed me – except for my wife! Seeking honor and recognition from outside my marriage (sometimes even from strangers) while simultaneously ignoring my wife's needs is indeed cruelty.

In several months I have gone through a remarkable transformation (just ask my wife!). I will never doubt the ability of people to change, no matter how low they have fallen. I truly regret that I caused my wife so much pain. I cringe when I think how I was ready to end my marriage, especially now that I understand the problems stemmed from my flawed thinking and ignorance. I am deeply grateful to the Almighty that I read Garden of Peace before it was too late. It was a tragedy to get divorced the first time, but to ruin a second chance would have been beyond any words.

God gives us the challenges we need. I believe my wife and I were meant for each other. My wife sensed a change unlike any previous attempts I had made in the past. We are in tune with each other on a much deeper level and I am committed to giving her the loving nourishment she deserves on a daily basis. It seems to be working. We have gone a record amount of time without a calamity and our interactions on a daily basis have been warm and positive. Our marital and family dynamic has changed. On a couple of occasions when my wife has expressed hostility towards me I knew exactly where the message was coming from and what to do. It didn’t matter if I thought she was justified or not; I now know what the endgame is about.

I don't want to sugarcoat things and make this transformation sound too easy, but it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I did put forth the personal and sincere effort to change, and once I did I felt God guiding me to be the best husband I can be. You don’t have to believe me. If you think your marriage isn’t as great as it could be, read The Garden of Peace, put these insights into practice and see for yourself if it makes a difference.

May the Almighty help all of us to become the husbands and fathers we are meant to be.

[muman613]

Once again I bring an article which discusses how important peace is in a Jewish marriage.


http://www.shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe/interpersonal/mitzvasshalom.htm#marriage

PEACE IN MARRIAGE


Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel (in the Talmud, Avos DeRebi Noson 28:3) says that a person who brings peace into his house is considered by G-d as if he brought peace on the entire Jewish people. That's pretty great stuff! Vayikra Raba makes it even greater: "Great is peace for all blessings are contained in it."

A chassidic rabbi has novel approach to solving marital troubles. When couples have shalom bayis problems, the rov sends them away to a hotel to be alone on mikva night. He discreetly raises funds specifically to support this. If there is anything for the public at large to learn from this, it is to be active in practical and constructive ways in helping couples to achieve marital peace.

Rabbi Avraham Pam, Rosh Yeshiva of the famous learning institution Torah VoDaas, said that if you find that your wife doesn't have the same nice midos as when you married her, it is because you are not treating her with nice midos. If you treat her nicely, your wife will go back to behaving with the nice midos you remember from when you married her (heard personally from Rabbi Pam).

A Jew used to regularly beat his wife. After she no longer could take it, she disclosed her husband's habit of beating her. Word got to some chasidim of the famed Satmar Rebbi, Rabbi Yoel Teitelbaum, and they met the man and brought him to the saintly Rebbi. When the Rebbi asked why the man beat his wife, the man's answer was that ever since he was a child he used to beat up his sisters. The Rebbe told the man - in no uncertain terms - that he was never to hit his wife ever again and that he had to differentiate between the behavior of a reckless, mean little child and a married adult.

A rabbi, who was a teacher among the Lubovitcher chasidim, was walking down the street with one of his disciples. A young couple came over. The wife said to the rabbi, "Isn't it a violation of shabos to stir soup while it's on the stove? Tell my husband so he'll know!" The wise rabbi looked pensive for a moment and said, "I'll have to look it up and let you know." The couple marched on. Then, noticing the puzzled look on his disciple's face, the rabbi said, "She was upset. You and I both know the law is as she said. If, however, the question wasn't 'hard' enough to 'have to look up,' it would have made her husband appear foolish, and that would have made their fight worse."

Ezra wanted to honor shabos by taking a nice shower and cleaning himself well. The kids tied up the shower for a long time and his wife grabbed the shower as soon as she was able to, after standing over a hot stove all Friday afternoon. It was getting near to the coming of shabos. He started getting angry, banging on the bathroom door and demanding that his wife "hurry up and get outta there." He banged a second time. "It's almost the z'man [time]! C'mon, hurry up already and get outta there!" He banged the door with a loud boom. His wife came out of the shower, irritated and nervous from his noise and pressure.

Since he was in the shower so close to the end of the time when showering would be allowed, he was also nervous and agitated. They were both pretty tense and hostile by the onset of shabos, saying nasty things and verbally jabbing at each other.

At shul, Ezra bragged to the rav that he "won" in his effort to rush his wife to let him into the shower in time for shabos. The rav, upset that Ezra harassed his wife and disturbed marital peace, told him, "Washing for shabos is a mitzva if you do it but it is not an obligation that one has to do. If you do it, you get a mitzva. If you don't do it, it is no sin. Whereas, if you make a fight with your wife, that is a sin, and the whole thing is not worth it! If you can't shower, as another option, you can wash, with warm water, your hands and face and, if possible, your feet. You can't make a fight with your wife in order to honor shabos. To be so adamant, you don't want to honor shabos. You want to honor yourself. It's better that you not shower and that you have shalom bayis. In such a case, avoiding the fight and keeping peace is your mitzva."

The famed commentator, Rashi, writes (on Yevamos 62b and Bava Metzia 59a) that a husband must never disparage, insult, cheapen, shame, disrespect, neglect or hurt his wife in any way; these are harder on a woman than on a man; these are more severe to a woman than to a man. He writes (on Rosh HaShana 6b) that it is imperative that a man make his wife happy, and a "classic" way to do this is to give her nice clothes that will please her. On Bava Metzia 94a he writes that if a man marries a woman on condition that is exempt from any marriage obligation imposed by the Torah, the marriage takes effect but the condition does not because "there is no such thing as half a marriage." In other words, a marriage and all of its obligations are synonymous. It's a "package deal."

We see that is imperative that a husband be very, very sensitive and careful never to shame, cheapen, embarrass, degrade or hurt the feelings of a woman - and how much moreso for your wife. This obligation to never bring feelings of shame or degradation upon a Jewish woman is seen in practical Jewish law. For example, 1. if a man and a woman come to bais din (Torah court) simultaneously with a case, the judges are obligated to hear the case of the woman first; and 2. if a man and woman come to a door simultaneously to beg charity, the homeowner must give to the woman first; and 3. if a man and woman are simultaneously kidnapped and there isn't enough ransom money to save both, the woman is saved first because she is subject to abuse of her person. All of this is because a woman's shame is more than a man's.

Normally flattery is considered a sin. Orchos Tzadikim writes that a husband may flatter a wife for marital peace. He should speak gently, appealingly and appeasingly to his wife, to make her happy and comfortable.

Pela Yo'etz writes (in the section on "zivug [getting married]"), that the marriage which operates by following the Torah and its sages is the marriage which will be blessed by G-d and be happy. This couple will have a pleasant, calm, fortunate and good life; and will have a sweet lot in olam habo (eternal life).

To make this practical, always apply two statements from the first chapter of Pirkei Avos. Apply these two precious teachings to both "sur mayra (abandoning bad)" and "asay tov (actively doing good)."

1. Speak little and do much.

2. Study is not the essential thing, but rather action is.

Then, you can progress from "sur mayra" and "asay tov" to: "bakaish shalom virodfayhu (seek peace and chase after it)."

"If a person cannot afford to buy [both] a candle for shabos and wine for kiddush, a shabos candle takes precedence; and, similarly, if a person cannot afford to buy [both] a candle for shabos and a candle for Chanuka, a shabos candle takes precedence; because of PEACE in the house, for there is no PEACE without light [which the relatively larger shabos or yom tov candle provides; Orech Chayim, Hilchos Shabos, 263:3]."

"A pauper who sustains himself from charity must sell his clothing, or must borrow or must rent himself [as a hired worker] in order to have wine for the four [Passover seder] cups" [Orech Chayim, Hilchos Pesach, 472:13]. "And the [yom tov/holiday] candle for the house is a higher priority than the four cups [if he can't obtain money for both wine and candle] because of PEACE in the house" (Mishna Brura #41, commenting on the above Passover halacha].

I once visited a friend on Chol HaMoed of Passover. His wife, usually a cheerful and humor-filled person, was grumpy over the prohibition that prevented use of most vegetables. "What's a Pesach meal? A slab of chicken with potato kugel, potato pancake, fried potatoes, mashed potatoes and a side order of potato salad!"

I said to her, "I'll tell you what. We'll change the name of the season from zman chairusainu [the time of our liberation] to zman potatosainu [the time of our potatoes]." She chuckled. I told her husband quietly that if she gets grouchy about potatoes, remind her of "zman potatosainu." Every time he mentioned it, she laughed harder and louder. By the end of Yom Tov, she was, herself, saying "zman potatosainu" with a hearty laugh.

If your spouse says an angry word, you might smile widely and say, "You said an 'A word.' Anger's a 'no-no.'" Find some pleasant way to always undo anger, dispute or tension. Anything - even a mitzva - which is done with a sin or fight IS BY DEFINITION WRONG AND BAD.

In the Passover Hagada, we say that we cried out to G-d in prayer, G-D heard our prayer, He saw our suffering AND SEPARATION FROM NORMAL FAMILY LIFE (brought on by the Egyptian bondage) and He saved us. When family life is at all disrupted or unhappy, pray! Let G-d hear your SINCERE prayer, that He may answer it and save you.

Remember that there are three partners in the Jewish marriage. We understandably have been emphasizing two in our discussion: husband and wife. Bring in your third partner: Hashem. Pray.

Rabbi Shmuel Salant was a leader of the Jerusalem community a few generations ago. During his era, a young man got married immediately before Passover. The young man spent the Seder at his new in-laws. When the soup came, the man saw a peace of wheat floating in his soup. This was terrible! There was 100% pure "chometz (forbidden grain)" in the Pesach food! The young man started screaming at his mother-in-law. He was ferociously and loudly criticizing and humiliating her. He was attacking her so bitterly, the family ran to Rabbi Shmuel. When the family protested the intensity of the young man's attack, Rabbi Shmuel ordered the man to take off his hat and hand it to him. Inside the hat were some grains of wheat. The man was married just before Pesach. It was customary in Jerusalem in those days to throw wheat at the choson (groom) at the ofruf (calling a groom to the Torah on the shabos immediately before his wedding). Some of the wheat lodged in the young man's hat and stayed there into Pesach. It was this wheat which fell into the soup.

The moral of the story is: before you attack, accuse or criticize the next person, look under your hat and see if the complaint is really in your own head!

[muman613]

http://www.shortvort.com/vayera-parasha/11215-shalom

SHALOM
Torah Portion
Written by Tal Segal    

Usually when we hear or think about the word "Shalom" we think about peace between Israel and her neighbours, or one nation and another. But there is another type of shalom, one that is much closer to home. Our sages use a term called "shalom bayit" which means 'peace in the home'. We often overlook this type of peace. We downplay the importance of peace in our homes - between a husband and wife, a brother and sister, a parent and child. But if we look into this week's parsha, Parshat Vaera, we see that time and time again Hashem went out of His way, either personally or through His messengers, to convey to our forefathers and foremothers about the importance of developing peaceful relationships with the people around us, especially at home. Let's take a look at two:

Example #1:
In this week's parsha, Avraham is sent three 'guests'. In truth these three guests are angels sent by Hashem to tell Avraham that he and his wife Sarah, despite their old age, are going to have a child in the next year. We see that in the course of conversation with Avraham the angels ask him "Where is Sarah your wife?" (Bereishit 18:9) Isn't that a strange question for an angel to ask?!?! Surely they are on some spiritual level that they know these kind of things. The gemara (Bava Metzia 87a) explains that they did indeed know where she was, they just wanted to make sure Avraham realised how modest his wife was. She was in the tent preparing a whole meal for them and not being loud and demanding credit. That's very modest, and they wanted Avraham to realise this in order to increase the shalom, the peace, and love, between Avraham and his wife. Surely Avraham and Sarah already had a very healthy marriage and home full of shalom bayit, but these angels still thought it worth improving. That's how much shalom bayit, peace in the home, is worth.

Example #2:
In this very same conversation, when the angels tell Sarah that she is going to become pregnant, she laughs and says "My husband is old! (i.e. how can he still have children!?)". When Hashem tells Avraham that Sarah shouldn't have laughed and rather should have trusted that Hashem is capable of doing whatever He desires, He changes what she said! Instead of telling Avraham that Sarah said "my husband is old", Hashem changes it to say that Sarah said "I am old". We see that, as shocking as it might seem, Hashem lied here and changed what Sarah actually said. The gemara learns from here that a person is actually allowed to lie in order to maintain shalom bayit, peace in the home, even though usually lying is a terrible and dangerous thing. (Of course it's not so simple that lying is allowed at home... and before you go home and start lying through your teeth, ask your local orthodox rabbi exactly what is allowed!) We see again just how important shalom bayit, peace in the home, is. Hashem Himself is willing to lie to maintain it.

There are many more examples, and very powerful ones, where the Torah teaches us the importance of striving to create peaceful relationships with the people we live with, and of course with everyone that we interact with as well. But these are two examples where we see Hashem teaching Avraham and Sarah, the founders of our people and of humanity in general, about Shalom Bayit. Of all the lessons He could teach them, this one comes up again and again. As we read the Torah portion this week, maybe we can apply it to our own lives and try to make the relationships with those around us, especially those closest, a little bit more peaceful.

Shabbat Shalom!
Follow the discussion

[muman613]

The foundation of life is called 'Derech Eretz' which translates as 'The way of the land' but I think of it as 'common sense'...

http://www.shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe/shalombayis/treatspouse.htm#solution

LEARNING, MIDOS AND HOLINESS - FOUNDATIONS OF THE TORAH HOME

The Torah (Exodus 1:1) says, "And these are the names of the descendants of Israel who came with Jacob to Egypt, each man and his household...". The Torah specifies "each man and his household," telling us that the family is the key unit in the Torah's hashkofa (worldview). The midrash teaches that Yaakov understood the immorality and spiritually impure atmosphere of exile, so he had all who came with him to Egypt marry before leaving - even the young grandchildren who were still babies. Marriage is a protective shield against immorality. A strong Jewish home is the only refuge from the outside influences of golus and Yaakov wanted all of his descendants protected. The Chasam Sofer says that each "house" was a house of Torah study. They transplanted to golus the life devoted to study that they had back home. Rabbi Shimshon Rafael Hirsch writes that the Torah repeats reference to Jacob ("who came with Jacob to Egypt") in this verse just before saying "each man and his household" to emphasize that each household was dedicated to Yaakov's holy Torah heritage. The Sefas Emmess says that the fact that they came as Jewish households is what set them up for salvation from Egypt. We learn from "Man and household" that the Jewish home is central to Torah tradition and protects us from outside forces when we are vigilant to keep it constantly spiritually strong.

Rabbinic tradition recognizes that some people learn in order to serve their own purposes, having nothing to do with real purpose - Torah, mitzvos, spiritual growth and service of G-d. The midrash says, "Derech eretz (polite, civil, thoughtful behavior) must precede Torah." Tosfos says that there are people who learn for selfish motives such as to become arrogant, to annoy others or to win halacha debates. Rambam says that some learn to be respected or to be called Rabbi. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter says that some learn to be better able to harm or rob others. The Maharsha says that one with selfish motives limits the ultimate purpose of his deeds to this world, while the person with sincere G-dly motives extends the ultimate purpose of his deeds to Heaven and to eternity. The Rama [this is actual halacha in the Shulchan Aruch, Yorah Dayah 242:30], says that the laws of honoring one's primary rov apply specifically to the rov who taught one "practical halacha, in-depth understanding, and trained him to maintain truth and correct practical living." THE ROV YOU ARE TO OBLIGATED IN HALACHA TO GIVE SPECIAL RESPECT TO IS THE ROV WHO TEACHES AND CAUSES YOU TO LIVE AS A MENTSH!

Midrash Agada says that a true Torah person has four precious attributes: Torah learning, mitzva performance, kind deeds and good midos. Without all four, he is not a true Torah person.

Each Jewish man must have regular times set aside for Torah learning. Not only (as we learn from the Vilna Gaon) must he learn for the purpose of genuine self-elevation, but when a wife

* hears him sharing with her things he has learned,

* sees him apply what he has learned in practical life and

* sees him improve as a person from what he has learned,

her respect and admiration for him zooms up!

It improves a marriage when the wife dovens twice each day and attends a good women's shiur (class) at least once a week.

From my practical counseling experience, when meaningful spiritual elements like these are consistently included by both partners in the couple's regular routine, and both work ongoingly together to treat each other with better midos and to live with better halacha observance, the quality of their marriage and peacefulness improves significantly and sustainably.

The Vilna Gaon says that Torah DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MAKE A PERSON BETTER. If one learns without intending to be spiritually perfected, Torah will INTENSIFY WHAT IS NATURALLY IN THE PERSON - including the bad! TORAH WILL ONLY MAKE BETTER THE PERSON WHO LEARNS IT FOR THE SPECIFIC PURPOSE OF PURIFYING HIS HEART, INCREASING HIS FEAR OF HEAVEN AND SPIRITUAL ELEVATION. TORAH IS POWERFUL BUT IT DOES NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR THE INDIVIDUAL'S FREE WILL. THE ESSENTIAL PURPOSE FOR WHICH G-D CREATED HUMAN LIFE IS FOR PERFECTION OF MIDOS (PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER TRAITS) AT ALL TIMES. AT EVERY MOMENT WHEN ONE IS NOT WORKING ON MIDOS, ONE IS WASTING HIS LIFE (Evven Shlaima)!

If one does not have good midos, kind deeds, derech eretz, fulfill the entire Shulchan Aruch (including interpersonal obligations) - he is not a Torah person. He is too clever for his own good - a danger to others and to his own soul. Ramban says that one can know all the laws and claim to be a Torah person; but unless he makes himself holy, he can still be a "low life."

King Solomon says (Proverbs 4:11), "In the way of wisdom I instructed you, I directed you on the straight paths [ma'aglai yosher]." "Ma'agal" can either mean a "path" or a "circle." There is Hebrew grammar problem, then, in the verse using a term that can be read "straight circle" - an inherent contradiction! I heard in the name of one of the Telzer rosh yeshivos that King Solomon is adding a deep message. A person has a storehouse of all of the midos (character traits) of the human personality. Midos are analogous to a "straight circle," IF THE PERSON HAS THE CORRECT MEASURE AND BALANCE OF ALL THE MIDOS. If there is too much or too little of any mida (trait), that puts bumps on his "midos circle." Where there is too much, the circle bulges out, too little it bulges in. G-d instructed us in Torah wisdom that it should lead us to the straight path which is only attainable through a "straight circle" - the proper content of midos. Only through midos can a person live with truth, goodness and righteousness; go according to the directing of the will of G-d, and live with others as G-d wants from each of us.

WHAT COUNTS FIRST AND FOREMOST ARE A GOOD HEART AND GOOD MIDOS. These tell us what the person will use his intellect and talents for, whether he is close to G-d or to his own ego. Rabbi Elimelech of Lizinsk writes that the ONLY REASON A PERSON IS BORN IS TO CHANGE HIS NATURE FOR THE BETTER.

The world is torn down by people hurting and harming each other. In contrast, the world 1. has "salvations" when we guard against harming one another (Shabos 31:a) and 2. "will be built by lovingkindness (Psalm 89:3)."

Late in life, Rabbi Shimon Schwab, leader of German-Jewry, was wheelchair bound. Since he couldn't easily get outside, he once asked a visitor what was happening in the Jewish world. He was told that the newest chumra [Torah stringency] was yoshon [using flour from the previous year]. Rabbi Schwab asked, "What about basics like derech eretz?"

Rabbi Chayim Veetal, the famed mystic, asked: if midos are so fundamental, why is there no mitzva to have good midos among the 613 mitzvos? Because midos are so fundamental that you can't have the 613 mitzvos without them! You do not have to tell an architect to build a house and a foundation for it. Anyone who knows architecture knows a foundation is basic - it goes without saying. Midos are a foundation for Torah. They are such a basic prerequisite to Torah that the Torah expects them to be there before the Torah can be learned or observed! In other words, if good midos aren't there, Torah surely isn't there.