Jewish jokes

[Ari]

I don't mind the jokes as long as they're not truly mean-spirited.  Cheap jokes usually don't bother me at all.  Holocaust jokes usually anger me though.  Also never was a big fan of jokes that say Jews can't play sports.  As a big sports fan, I can point to several athletes that dispute this myth.

[JewishTeddyBear]

Yes, I have to agree with you about Holocaust jokes.  I admit I have heard next to none of such jokes, yet somehow, I get the feeling that telling jokes about six million people being murdered for being Jewish, is probably not all that hilarious.

[Vito]

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.


To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"


"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

[Vito]

British, German and Israeli archaeologists were digging their homelands to research early forms of communication.

The British archaeologist dug 100 yards and found a system of strings dating back 3000 years that connected ancient villages. He concluded that 3000 years ago Britain had the first form of prompt communication.

Then the German archaeologist dug 160 yards and found a system of copper wires dating back 7000 years that connected ancient cities. He concluded that 7000 years ago Germany had the first form of Morse code communication.

The Israeli archaeologist dug 100 yards and found nothing. He dug 200 yards and found nothing, 300 the same. At 400 yards he found a 12,000 year old site.. and still nothing. He concluded that 12,000 years ago Israel had cellular phone technology.

[JewishTeddyBear]

Vito, very, very funny!  Now those two jokes are perfect examples of truly good humor, because they actually make a lot of sense, conforming to reality! 

[judeanoncapta]

Here's a good jewish joke for y'all.

Rabbi Moscowitz and Father O'Malley are both speeding down the street. They both take a hasty turn and crash right into each other.

Both cars are totalled. But slowly, the Rabbi and Priest emerge from the wreckage miraculously unharmed.

"Father?", the Rabbi said. "Look at us, we're unharmed. It's a miracle. I think that this is a sign from G-d that we should put aside our differences and become friends."

"Rabbi.", the Priest replied. "I think that you're right."

So the pair began a pleasant conversation as they helped each other search their cars for salvagable items.

All the items in each car were crushed or burned in the fiery wreck, but lo and behold in the Rabbi's car there was an unharmed bottle of Manischewitz sweet red wine.

"Look, Father." The Rabbi exclaimed. It's a sign from G-d that we should toast our new friendship.

Father O'Malley gives a big Irish smile and cracks open the bottle and takes down half the bottle in three large gulps.

"Here, Rabbi." The Priest says, handing the bottle to Rabbi Moscowitz. "Have a swig of this!"

"No thanks",  the Rabbi replied. "I'll wait until the police arrive."

[judeanoncapta]

Not exactly Jewish but let's see what you guys think of this.

What's a vacation from heaven.

You're greeted by the British, Fed by the Italians and it's organized by the Germans.

What's a vacation from hell?

You're greeted by the Germans, Fed by the British and  and it's organized by the Italians.

[Vito]

Hahaha.. the Italian jokes are good too 

[Israeli Mouse]

A man walked into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City.

He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asks, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady.
"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?|

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmm.  I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

[Mstislav]

"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."

 

[Israeli Mouse]

Why did god make man before woman?


he didnt want any advice on how to make man

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JEWISH SALESMAN

a guy who can sell american made things in Japan

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A Jewish man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean, and the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I vish I could understand mine vife. I vant know how she feels inside, vat she tinking when she gives me da silent treatment, vy she cries, vat she means ven she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a voman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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An American an Indian and an Israeli go out for a meal. The waiter comes over and says I'm sorry but we have a Shortage of meat tonight could you order something else.

The American "whats a Shortage"
The Indian "whats Meat"
The Israeli "whats I'm Sorry"??

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The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean
sends out a MAYDAY message:

"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

No answer.

A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Silence.

A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air Force #174.
We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"

Still no answer.

Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East
INCLUDING Israel!"

Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:

"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."

"Allah be praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."

"Do you speak Hebrew?"

"No"

"OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah......"

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What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A:
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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LOL i know to many jokes and ive got so many more lol 

[Raulmarrio2000]

A Catholic Priest and a Rav were discussing which religion was better, Catholicism or Judaism. After an hour arguing they reach no agreement. So the Priest said "We, the Catholics can have miracles".
The Rav asks "Have you ever had one? Can you tell me?"
The Priest replies: "Yes, of course. It was last week. Let me remember, oh yes it was last Wednesday. The was a great storm and a heavy rain here in Buenos Aires, you may remember, Rav....Well, I was walking in the street with no unmbrella"
And what was the miracle? asked the Rav...
The Priest said: It was raining in front of me, it was raining behind me, but not a single drop fell on the place I was standing. Great miracle!!!! I bet you, Jews, never have a miracle like this!
The Rav replied: "Yes, I had also a miracle last week. Let me remember..... it was last Saturday.... I didn't have even a cent to buy my meal, I was very hungry. I went out for a walk, and suddenly I found a bag on the ground. I open it and ...and there were 60 000 dollars.!!!"
The Priest laughed and said: You are a liar, you, Jews, do not touch money on Saturdays!!!!!!!!!
The Rav shouted: Miracle!!! It was Saturday in front of me, Saturday behind me, but on the place I was standing....it was Tuesday!!!!!!!!

[Mstislav]

Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah?

[newman]

A Jewish boy comes home from school one afternoon.

"How was school?" asks his mother.

"Great! I got a part in the school play" says the boy.

"Maval Tav!" says mother. "What part did you get?"

"I get to play a Jewish husband" says the boy.

His mother says..." You go right back to that school and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!"

[OdKahaneChai]

IM, those were some cheesy ones...

Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah?

The beginning of the Kaddish (most famously said at a burial and by mourners).

Ok I guess I need to make an addition:(these were posted by Yekutiel on the kahane.org forum)

JEWISH JEOPARDY:  We give the answer, you give the
question...
A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: Filet Minyan
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut? 

SEDERISMS:

A group of leading medical researchers has published
data indicating that Seder participants should NOT
partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems
that this combination can lead to Charoses of the
Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzah,
fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course,
is..."Let My People Go."

Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing
chai's which are too heavy. This condition is called
chaiatal hernia!"

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries
a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi
is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The
service is to be called..."E-MOIL."

[Israeli Mouse]

IM, those were some cheesy ones...

well what can i say, the rest i know are purvey Jewish jokes. i thought i would be nice and just say the corny ones :-p

[OdKahaneChai]

IM, those were some cheesy ones...

well what can i say, the rest i know are purvey Jewish jokes. i thought i would be nice and just say the corny ones :-p

Go right ahead. 

[Israeli Mouse]

The Israeli Workers Union

A certain Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"


Member of Knesset
   
Four years ago, my cousin ran for the Knesset."

"What's he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected..."




 A group of elderly, retired men gather each morning at a café in Tel Aviv.
They drink their coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation.
Given the state of the world, their talks are usually depressing.
One day, one of the men startles the others by announcing, "You know what? I am an optimist."
The others are shocked, but then one of them notices something fishy.
"Wait a minute! If you're an optimist, why do you look so worried?"
"You think it's easy being an optimist?!"

[Israeli Mouse]

IM, those were some cheesy ones...

well what can i say, the rest i know are purvey Jewish jokes. i thought i would be nice and just say the corny ones :-p

Go right ahead. 

haha told you i shouldnt

[CorrieDeservedIt]

what do you call a pretty muslim lady?
(yeah nto a jewish joke and not funny just telling a little joke)

[OdKahaneChai]

well - go on...

Anyway - my Grandfather sent me these:

The Religious School Teacher asks, "Now, Sammy, tell me frankly, do  you say prayers before eating?"  "No sir,"little  Sammy replies, "I don't have to.    My Mom is a good  cook."

A little girl was sitting on  her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime  story. From time to time, she would take her eyes  off the book and reach up to touch his  wrinkled cheek. She was alternately  stroking her own cheek, then his again.  Finally she spoke  up, "Zaydeh, did God make you?"  "Yes,  sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time a go."  "Oh," she paused, "Zaydeh, did God make  me too?"  "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made  you just a little while ago."  Feeling their  respective faces again, she  observed, "He's  getting better at it, isn't he?"

[CorrieDeservedIt]

ASIF

[OdKahaneChai]

ASIF

[OdKahaneChai]

A Rabbi had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give
some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed four objects
on his study table:

- a Bible

- a silver dollar

- a bottle of whisky, and

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the Rabbi said to himself, "when he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks
up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a Rabbi like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be okay, too. But If he picks up the
bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame
that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's
gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The Rabbi waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books
on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He
uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's
centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the Rabbi disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a
member of the Knesset!" An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says. "They're coming for Sukkot and paying their own airfares." Rashi and his wife are going out for a night on the town. His wife takes almost two hours to get ready and finally comes downstairs.
"What took you so long? What is with that make-up? You look like a clown. That hair looks terrible! And that dress! Don't even get me started on that dress!" Rashi chides.
Then his wife responds, "Nu?! You have a comment for everything?!"Two women came before wise King Shlomo, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Shlomo, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sir, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Shlomo. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"

[Rubystars]

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, the European Union, and the US State Department for''overreacting to insufficient provocation?"

ROFL! Hilarious!