Happy New Year

[Daniel]

Happy New Year and L'shanah tovah to everyone!

Here's a bit of Rosh Hashanah humor I like to read and pass out every year. Enjoy


Tashlich

Tashlich, from the Hebrew "to cast off," is a traditional ceremony performed on the afternoon of Rosh Hashanah. In it, Jews walk from the synagogue to a body of water into which they symbolically cast their sins. Some shake out the corners of their prayer shawls; another custom, upon which the following seems to be based, apparently utilizes bread crumbs

to symbolize the cast off sins. One of four "new years" in the Jewish calendar, Rosh Hashanah begins the "Ten Days of Repentence," which culminate in Yom HaKippurim, The Day of Atonement.

SUGGESTIONS FOR TASHLICH

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:

For ordinary sins,                              use White Bread

For exotic sins,                                         French Bread

For particularly dark sins,                          Pumpernickel =

For complex sins,                                      Multi-grain

For twisted sins,                                         Pretzels

For tasteless sins,                                      Rice Cakes

For sins of indecision,                                  Waffles

For sins committed in haste,                          Matzah

For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah =

For sins of chutzpah,                                  Fresh Bread =

For substance abuse,                                  Poppy Seed =

For committing arson,                                  Toast

For committing auto theft,                             Caraway =

For being ill tempered,                                  Sourdough =

For silliness,                                                  Nut Bread =

For not giving full value,                                  Shortbread =

For jingoism,                                                  Yankee Doodles =

For excessive use of irony,                                  Rye Bread

For excessive use of irony with regard to the old Soviet Union,                                                                      use Russian Rye =

For telling bad jokes,                                      Corn Bread =

For hardening our hearts,                                  Jelly doughnuts =

For being money hungry,                                  Enriched Bread or Raw Dough =

For war-mongering,                                          Kaiser Rolls =

For immodest dressing,                                      Tarts =

For causing injury or damage to others,               Tortes =

For promiscuity,                                                  Hot Buns

For promiscuity with a Christian,                          Hot Cross Buns =

For racism,                                                          Crackers =

For sophisticated racism,                                      Ritz Crackers =

For davening off tune,                                          Flat Bread =

For being holier than thou,                                    Bagels =

For unfairly upbraiding another,                              Challah =

For indecent photography,                                      Cheese Cake =

For trashing the environment,                                  Dumplings =

For sins of laziness,                                              Any Very Long Loaf =

For sins of pride,                                                  Puff Pastry =

For lying,                                                             Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra =

For wearing tasteless hats,                                   Tam Tams =

For the sins of the righteous,                                 Angel Food Cake =

For selling your soul,                                              Devils Food Cake =

For lust in your heart,                                              Wonder Bread =

For inhaling,                                                              Stoned Wheat

Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.