JTF.ORG Forum
General Category => General Discussion => Topic started by: Vito on September 10, 2007, 03:44:45 PM
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What do the Jews here think about them? Not the Nazi jokes of course.. I find the "cheap" jokes funny , so do all my Jewish friends :laugh: .. what does everyone think?
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I think that some, in good taste, are funny, although i find many offensive.
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Jewish jokes, done in good fun, are hysterical, the ones I've seen on the cartoons Family Guy, and South Park have always made me crack up. :)
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I think Jewish jokes are fine, just as long they're not about the Holocaust. A couple of my favorite jokes are, "How was copper wire invented? Two Jews found the same penny" and "Did you hear about the new Jewish porno film? 15 minutes of sex followed by 50 minutes of guilt." Oh, and "How was the grand canyon formed? A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole."
I LOVE the religious jokes that The Simpsons, Family Guy, and South Park do. They seem to joke about Christianity more than Judaism. Family Guy is the ultimate in making blasphemous religious jokes. You can't get any more blasphemous than showing g-d creating the universe by lighting a fart :)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nuL0Pr4VcfU
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"OY!....Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark".
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"OY!....Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark".
Which leads to the best lightbulb joke:
How many muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just sit in the dark their entire lives and blame it on the Jews.
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A priest and a rabbi were travelling on a plane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs". The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork."
The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading. After a while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly for an moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
I love Jewish Humour ! :)
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At a multi-faith conference dinner a catholic bishop turned to the Rabbi sitting next to him and said "Rabbi, when will the day come that I'll be able to offer you a slice of this most wonderful ham?"
The Rabbi replied "On your wedding day".
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ROTFLMBO !
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"OY!....Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark".
Which leads to the best lightbulb joke:
How many muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just sit in the dark their entire lives and blame it on the Jews.
Haha :)
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Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering. ;D
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Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering. ;D
:laugh: :laugh:
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Why do Jewish men always die before their wives do?
Because they want to.
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i am jewish so i think it's ok for me to tell some.
what is the most confusing thing for a jew?
free ham and cheese sandwiches
how do you lose a jewish police officer?
take the tollway
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i am jewish so i think it's ok for me to tell some.
what is the most confusing thing for a jew?
free ham and cheese sandwiches
how do you lose a jewish police officer?
take the tollway
Haha, I've never heard those. Very funny.
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A Jewish mother on Freudian Phsycology.......................
"Oedipus, Shoedipus!....What, a boy's not supposed to love his mother??"
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A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, and he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner. The man gave the man twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing . He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Arab
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning.
The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the three are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village.
The Chief tells the three captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all thetrimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Budweisser Beer."
The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately runs into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the cooking pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I would also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner."
The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rushes off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the cooking pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me as hard as you can." The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks
him as hard as he can. With that, the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.
The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, the European Union, and the US State Department for''overreacting to insufficient provocation?"
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A priest and a rabbi get into an automobile accident. Both of their cars are completely demolished. But when they get out, they both discover that neither one of them has a scratch. They both deem this to be a great miracle and a cause to celebrate. So the rabbi takes out some Manichevitz wine and suggests that they share a drink to celebrate this miraculous occasion. So the priest takes a big swig of the wine. Then the priest asks the rabbi if he would now like to take a drink to which the rabbi replies, "Yes, but first, let's wait for the police to arrive."
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A catholic priest was driving along one day but had his attention diverted by an attractive young woman on the sidewalk. Suddenly he rear ended a car in front driven by a Rabbi!
Constable O'Flannegan rushed to the scene and said "So tell me Father, how fast was this Jewish fella goin' in reverse when he hit you?"
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One day a christian pastor walks into a barber shop and gets a hair cut then when hes about to pay the barber says no pastor your a holy man and a strong believer in the lord I cant charge you then the pastor says to the barber the lord be with you then the next day 12 pieces of gold appeared infront his shop and he say thank you lord that same day a catholic priest walk in gets his hair cut turns to pay and the barber says no priest I cant charge you your a good and spiritual man then the priest says the spirit be with you the next day 12 pieces of silver appeared in front his shop and the barber thanks the lord that same day a rabbi walks in gets his hair cut then the barber says rabbi your a spiritually disciplined and respected person I cant charge you then the rabbi says shalom then the next day 12 rabbi's appear infront his shop.
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A Jewish kid goes to his father and says:
"Hey dad, could I borrow twenty dollars?"
"Ten dollars?! Wadda you need five dollars for?!"
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A Jewish family needs to place their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full and the only place available is in a Catholic home.
After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this might be the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here-he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him "Maestro"! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the F-cking Jew.'"
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Jewish telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'
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A Jewish kid goes to his father and says:
"Hey dad, could I borrow twenty dollars?"
"Ten dollars?! Wadda you need five dollars for?!"
That is what I do ;D
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I love Jewish jokes, especially if they make sense, like the funny ones said here. It is almost always a good thing to be able to laugh at oneself, or even to laugh in general.
The only times I do not care for Jewish jokes, is if I suspect that the person is motivated by antisemitism, or if the joke makes no sense. For example, telling jokes about Jews being cheap, or feeling guilty, are jokes that make sense, because those are two typical characteristics of Jews. But I remember once hearing a joke about Jews on welfare, and the joke made no sense to me, since I do not associate Jews with being on welfare.
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I don't mind the jokes as long as they're not truly mean-spirited. Cheap jokes usually don't bother me at all. Holocaust jokes usually anger me though. Also never was a big fan of jokes that say Jews can't play sports. As a big sports fan, I can point to several athletes that dispute this myth.
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Yes, I have to agree with you about Holocaust jokes. I admit I have heard next to none of such jokes, yet somehow, I get the feeling that telling jokes about six million people being murdered for being Jewish, is probably not all that hilarious.
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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British, German and Israeli archaeologists were digging their homelands to research early forms of communication.
The British archaeologist dug 100 yards and found a system of strings dating back 3000 years that connected ancient villages. He concluded that 3000 years ago Britain had the first form of prompt communication.
Then the German archaeologist dug 160 yards and found a system of copper wires dating back 7000 years that connected ancient cities. He concluded that 7000 years ago Germany had the first form of Morse code communication.
The Israeli archaeologist dug 100 yards and found nothing. He dug 200 yards and found nothing, 300 the same. At 400 yards he found a 12,000 year old site.. and still nothing. He concluded that 12,000 years ago Israel had cellular phone technology.
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Vito, very, very funny! Now those two jokes are perfect examples of truly good humor, because they actually make a lot of sense, conforming to reality! :)
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Here's a good jewish joke for y'all.
Rabbi Moscowitz and Father O'Malley are both speeding down the street. They both take a hasty turn and crash right into each other.
Both cars are totalled. But slowly, the Rabbi and Priest emerge from the wreckage miraculously unharmed.
"Father?", the Rabbi said. "Look at us, we're unharmed. It's a miracle. I think that this is a sign from G-d that we should put aside our differences and become friends."
"Rabbi.", the Priest replied. "I think that you're right."
So the pair began a pleasant conversation as they helped each other search their cars for salvagable items.
All the items in each car were crushed or burned in the fiery wreck, but lo and behold in the Rabbi's car there was an unharmed bottle of Manischewitz sweet red wine.
"Look, Father." The Rabbi exclaimed. It's a sign from G-d that we should toast our new friendship.
Father O'Malley gives a big Irish smile and cracks open the bottle and takes down half the bottle in three large gulps.
"Here, Rabbi." The Priest says, handing the bottle to Rabbi Moscowitz. "Have a swig of this!"
"No thanks", the Rabbi replied. "I'll wait until the police arrive."
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Not exactly Jewish but let's see what you guys think of this.
What's a vacation from heaven.
You're greeted by the British, Fed by the Italians and it's organized by the Germans.
What's a vacation from hell?
You're greeted by the Germans, Fed by the British and and it's organized by the Italians.
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Hahaha.. the Italian jokes are good too :laugh:
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A man walked into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asks, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady.
"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?|
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
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"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."
:::D :::D O0
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Why did god make man before woman?
he didnt want any advice on how to make man
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JEWISH SALESMAN
a guy who can sell american made things in Japan
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A Jewish man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean, and the concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I vish I could understand mine vife. I vant know how she feels inside, vat she tinking when she gives me da silent treatment, vy she cries, vat she means ven she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a voman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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An American an Indian and an Israeli go out for a meal. The waiter comes over and says I'm sorry but we have a Shortage of meat tonight could you order something else.
The American "whats a Shortage"???
The Indian "whats Meat"???
The Israeli "whats I'm Sorry"??
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The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean
sends out a MAYDAY message:
"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
No answer.
A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air Force #174.
We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!"
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East
INCLUDING Israel!"
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:
"Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help."
"Allah be praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please give me instructions."
"Do you speak Hebrew?"
"No"
"OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah......"
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What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A:
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
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LOL i know to many jokes :::D and ive got so many more lol :::D
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A Catholic Priest and a Rav were discussing which religion was better, Catholicism or Judaism. After an hour arguing they reach no agreement. So the Priest said "We, the Catholics can have miracles".
The Rav asks "Have you ever had one? Can you tell me?"
The Priest replies: "Yes, of course. It was last week. Let me remember, oh yes it was last Wednesday. The was a great storm and a heavy rain here in Buenos Aires, you may remember, Rav....Well, I was walking in the street with no unmbrella"
And what was the miracle? asked the Rav...
The Priest said: It was raining in front of me, it was raining behind me, but not a single drop fell on the place I was standing. Great miracle!!!! I bet you, Jews, never have a miracle like this!
The Rav replied: "Yes, I had also a miracle last week. Let me remember..... it was last Saturday.... I didn't have even a cent to buy my meal, I was very hungry. I went out for a walk, and suddenly I found a bag on the ground. I open it and ...and there were 60 000 dollars.!!!"
The Priest laughed and said: You are a liar, you, Jews, do not touch money on Saturdays!!!!!!!!!
The Rav shouted: Miracle!!! It was Saturday in front of me, Saturday behind me, but on the place I was standing....it was Tuesday!!!!!!!!
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Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah?
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A Jewish boy comes home from school one afternoon.
"How was school?" asks his mother.
"Great! I got a part in the school play" says the boy.
"Maval Tav!" says mother. "What part did you get?"
"I get to play a Jewish husband" says the boy.
His mother says..." You go right back to that school and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!"
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IM, those were some cheesy ones... (http://forum.kahane.org/Smileys/default/cheesy.gif)
Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah?
The beginning of the Kaddish (most famously said at a burial and by mourners).
Ok I guess I need to make an addition:(these were posted by Yekutiel on the kahane.org forum)
JEWISH JEOPARDY: We give the answer, you give the
question...
A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?
A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?
A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Filet Minyan
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?
SEDERISMS:
A group of leading medical researchers has published
data indicating that Seder participants should NOT
partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems
that this combination can lead to Charoses of the
Liver.
At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzah,
fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course,
is..."Let My People Go."
Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing
chai's which are too heavy. This condition is called
chaiatal hernia!"
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries
a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!
And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi
is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The
service is to be called..."E-MOIL."
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IM, those were some cheesy ones... (http://forum.kahane.org/Smileys/default/cheesy.gif)
well what can i say, the rest i know are purvey Jewish jokes. i thought i would be nice and just say the corny ones :-p
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IM, those were some cheesy ones... (http://forum.kahane.org/Smileys/default/cheesy.gif)
well what can i say, the rest i know are purvey Jewish jokes. i thought i would be nice and just say the corny ones :-p
Go right ahead. :)
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The Israeli Workers Union
A certain Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
Member of Knesset
Four years ago, my cousin ran for the Knesset."
"What's he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected..."
A group of elderly, retired men gather each morning at a café in Tel Aviv.
They drink their coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation.
Given the state of the world, their talks are usually depressing.
One day, one of the men startles the others by announcing, "You know what? I am an optimist."
The others are shocked, but then one of them notices something fishy.
"Wait a minute! If you're an optimist, why do you look so worried?"
"You think it's easy being an optimist?!"
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IM, those were some cheesy ones... (http://forum.kahane.org/Smileys/default/cheesy.gif)
well what can i say, the rest i know are purvey Jewish jokes. i thought i would be nice and just say the corny ones :-p
Go right ahead. :)
haha told you i shouldnt
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what do you call a pretty muslim lady?
(yeah nto a jewish joke and not funny just telling a little joke)
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well - go on...
Anyway - my Grandfather sent me these:
The Religious School Teacher asks, "Now, Sammy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"little Sammy replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Zaydeh, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time a go." "Oh," she paused, "Zaydeh, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "He's getting better at it, isn't he?"
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ASIF
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ASIF
???
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A Rabbi had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give
some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed four objects
on his study table:
- a Bible
- a silver dollar
- a bottle of whisky, and
- a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the Rabbi said to himself, "when he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks
up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a Rabbi like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be okay, too. But If he picks up the
bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame
that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's
gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The Rabbi waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books
on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He
uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's
centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the Rabbi disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a
member of the Knesset!"
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says. "They're coming for Sukkot and paying their own airfares."
Rashi and his wife are going out for a night on the town. His wife takes almost two hours to get ready and finally comes downstairs.
"What took you so long? What is with that make-up? You look like a clown. That hair looks terrible! And that dress! Don't even get me started on that dress!" Rashi chides.
Then his wife responds, "Nu?! You have a comment for everything?!"
Two women came before wise King Shlomo, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Shlomo, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sir, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Shlomo. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"
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The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, the European Union, and the US State Department for''overreacting to insufficient provocation?"
ROFL! Hilarious! ;D
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The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, the European Union, and the US State Department for''overreacting to insufficient provocation?"
ROFL! Hilarious! ;D
;D
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From Jewlarious.com (http://Jewlarious.com)
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'
The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"
"It me," replies the old man.
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"
He say, "Moishe Plotnik."
Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"
I say, "Sam Ting."
The Cohen family was on good terms with their Catholic neighbors, the O'Brian's. In fact, little Yainkele Cohen and Chris O'Brian from next door would play together from time to time. Or at least they used to.
Well, one late December's day, Tim O'Brian, the non-Jewish father, came storming in to the Cohen's house holding poor Yainkel by the ear. "Your son is not going near my Chris again; he just has no respect for us and our religion!"
"What's the matter; what did he do?" inquired Mr. Cohen.
"I'll tell you" said Tim in a rage. "He saw our Christmas tree and started making fun."
"He did?" said Mr. Cohen. "What did he say?"
"He saw our tree and started asking all sorts of ridiculous questions - which kinds of pine trees can be used for a Christmas tree? What's the minimum required height? How close to the window does it need to be? Do too many decorations render it unfit? What if it's under a neighbor's balcony?!"
A Texan is visiting Israel and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink?" asks the Texan
"Of course," says the Israeli, and he invited the Texan to come in.
"What do you do?" asks the Texan.
"I raise chicken" says the Israeli.
"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"
"Well, out front it's 50 meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to 100 meters of property. What about your place?"
"Well," says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."
"Really," replies the Israeli. "I once had a car like that too."
The rabbi's sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them so as not to make enemies.
"Is there anyone in this synagogue who can honestly say they have no enemies?" asked the rabbi.
Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her frail little hand.
"Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies," asked the rabbi.
Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the synagogue where she explained, "I outlived 'em all."
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and a beard, wearing a white robe and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
In a loud voice the President said, "Moses!" The man just stared ahead, not acknowledging the President.
Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!"
Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."
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I think that the only offensive joke is a joke that is not funny. If it's not funny, it's offensive in itself. You know what I mean?