Rioters Decline To Sign Colin Kaepernick
May 29th, 2020
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MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Colin Kaepernick arrived at the Minneapolis riots last night, saying he was excited to be a part of the looting and violence.
Kaepernick tried out for the riots by throwing bricks into windows but missed every time. He was able to rush a Molotov cocktail into a target window and then spike it on the ground, but then he caught fire. Finally, in a last-ditch effort to get selected for one of the riot squads, he filmed a workout video and sent it to various protester organizations but hadn't heard back as of publishing time.
"While we appreciate Kaepernick's enthusiasm, we need someone who can lob a Molotov cocktail accurately," said a representative for the rioters. "We wish him the best of luck in his future rioting career. We believe Kaepernick will land on his feet with another rioting organization. Maybe Chicago or Louisville will want him."
The former quarterback quickly blamed his failed rioting career on racism.
Celebrities Show Solidarity With Protesters By Burning Their Own Homes To The Ground
June 5th, 2020
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BELL CANYON, CA—According to sources, Hollywood celebrities have courageously united under an inspiring new movement to show respect for black lives. Entitled the #BurnYourHouseDown movement, celebrities such as Alyssa Milano, Jimmy Kimmel, and John Legend have volunteered to relinquish their power and privilege by burning their houses and everything they have to the ground.
The organizer of this movement released the following statement on Twitter: "Your homes, your riches, and your toys are built on a foundation of white supremacy. They are forever tainted by racism. Your walls and security systems have shut out the voices of the oppressed. Join us. Stand with us. #BurnYourHouseDown!"
As the provocative hashtag began trending on Twitter, rich celebrities lept into action. Alyssa Milano employed her house servants to light torches and throw them through her broken windows. Jimmy Kimmel hired Instagram models to jump on trampolines while throwing Molotov cocktails into his front door.
Black Lives Matter protestors gathered to watch the flames as they engulfed the multimillion-dollar homes. With tears in their eyes, they joined hands with celebrities and sang John Lennon's 'Imagine' as the massive monuments to white supremacy toppled to the ground.
Local news stations reported that twelve local housekeeping and landscaping businesses have been put out of work due to the #BurnYourHouseDown movement, but it's a small price to pay for the "change we need."
The twelve small business owners then moved to Texas and built mansions of their own.
Husband To Boycott Household Chores Until Racism Is Defeated
June 5th, 2020
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LAFAYETTE, IN—In a powerful statement of solidarity on Facebook, local husband Ryan Flenderson has announced he will be refraining from all household chores until racism in America is gone forever. Witnesses are reporting that leaky pipes, lawn work, painting, diaper changes, and oil changes will all be put off indefinitely to support the noble cause of ending all injustice for all of eternity.
When Mr. Flenderson's wife Abby confronted him about the list of chores that were being neglected he responded, "There are people being oppressed all over this country and all you can think about is household chores? There are more important things to think about right now."
Inspired by her husband's commitment, Ryan's wife announced she would be taking a vow of abstinence right alongside him.
Powerful: Protesters Spell Out 'Love' With Burning Homes And Businesses
June 1st, 2020
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MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a powerful display of their care for love and justice, protesters in Minneapolis burned the word "LOVE" into the city, arranging the inspiring message with homes and businesses set ablaze by their riots.
Heartfelt and moving.
"We just really wanted to show how much we care about love and social justice by burning this community into a powerful reminder of what it's all about," said local protester Jake Hernandez, who had flown in from Portland for the event. "Now, when police and fire helicopters fly over to try to restore order, they'll be inspired by our message of love and harmony."
Upon seeing the heart-wrenching message of unity, police dropped their batons, ripped off their badges, donned bandanas, picked up bricks, and joined the protesters in their rioting and looting. "I don't know how I didn't see the light before," said former police officer, now Antifa chapter leader Bridget Morrison as she lobbed a Molotov cocktail into a minority-owned business. "I'm woke to the cause of love and harmony."
What a powerful message! The protesters were also planning to burn the word "SOCIAL JUSTICE" into predominantly black parts of town but have sadly run out of buildings to burn.