I would like everyone's opinion about a serious personal issue

[Allen-T]

I wanted to ask Chaim about this first, but it would take too long too explain in detail, so I will just ask everyone now about this situation. As some of you know I have this 31 year old neo Nazi brother who is really a piece of dreck. He still lives with my parents taking advantage of them and psychologically abusing them. They now suffer from what I believe they call Stockholm Syndrome, being in complete denial about this. I have not visited my parents home since last 4th of July when a fight almost broke out between Nazi boy and me. I have plainly stated that I will not visit a place where human garbage is lingering and be verbally mocked. Once, a few years ago I snapped when I was there and the end result was me outside my parents home screaming at my brother to come outside, and him just hiding in his room like the faggot that he is, my parents getting angry at me. See they figure I should be like them and let this human toilet disrespect me and my wife. I am always the bad guy in these scenarios. I still talk to my mother and see her as much as possible, which isn't often. Recently I rented a car and took her out for the day. I have stopped speaking to my father for a few reasons; First, my wife called him several months ago to speak about the situation and mentioned that my brother had posted on the internet some really bad lies about my wife, and that she was upset and why did he attack her, the problem is with me. My father had no response and only ranted about how they were angry that their cat "Samantha" is some kind of "internet freakshow" now??!! So I figure he esteems that horrible cat above my wife. Secondly, it seems more and more obvious to me that since my father refuses to demand that my brother leave the premises for 1 weekend a month so we can visit in peace, he just doesn't give a rat's tuchas about me or my wife. My mom is talking to my wife trying to push for the old way where I just show up and let this worthless pile of excrement ridicule and insult us. I say BS, until my father learns how to act like a man and give me some indication he cares one iota, leave things as they are. I have told my mom that if she wants to take the risk, she must understand that the minute my brother opens his mouth once, I begin beating without ceasing, and things will get destroyed[my mom has rare plates & antiques all over]. So then she backs off. It matters not which way things turn out, I am a very cold uncaring person that acts on right and wrong more from a mental than an emotional place. My own son and I have issues as well and these are my thoughts this day after Father's day, and wondering what y'all think? Much advanced thanks to any responders!!!       

[mord]

I had a friend who was one of the highest Klan guy inthe Norteast however he did'nt dislike Jews if he did too bad i could kick his ass.Any how when his wife and mother found out he quite .Now he is a very religious Christian not due to his wife she's an agnostic but due to his mother. As far as your father saying he did'nt like his cats name on the internet thats harsh 

mentioned that my brother had posted on the internet some really bad lies about my wife

thats something i would'nt put up with if you argue with your brother he must'nt drag your wife into it.I think he will eventually straighten himelf out,LIKE MY FRIEND BUT YOU KNOW HIM BETTER

[Lisa]

It seems like with many families, it's always the youngest child that is the most spoiled.  And you can't change other people.  But it sounds like there's a lot more involved than your neo-Nazi brother still living with your parents at the age of 31. 

How do your parents feel about your brother being a neo-Nazi?  Do they just shrug it off?  Or do they share his views?  Do your parents know of your involvement with JTF?  If so, what do they think? 

Your parents are probably still doting on "their baby."  So I would tell them flat out that you and your wife won't be visiting their home unless your brother removes the nasty stuff he posted about your wife on the internet, and apologizes to the two of you, and stops the insults. Telling them to throw your brother out might be a bit much for them for now. 

[Sarah]

Wow your family has a lot of very different characters....but i would say there aren't many options apart from accepting or keeping quiet. Let them shout, rant and rave!! Then after you've responded nicely to them, without being aggravated they will feel extremely guilty and things may cool down, when there is nothing left to argue about. The hardest part is trying to fight your own corner but as long as you know you are morally right, it should be clear as ever that you are right and are MR.Nice guy
It depends on self-control....

I frequently have arguements with my parents but i realised its not worth it, if i respond with an arguement backing my point, it just escalates the drama and things edge into choas! However if i just let it pass and let them shout and call me names without responding but looking slightly hurt....they stop after a while and say sorry, even if it doesn't eliminate the fact that issues constantly arise it calms things down a little.

As for your neo-Nazi brother, he is probably a different person when you aren't there, thats why your parents back him up, you just need to "appear" to find him great and let him get on with what he wants to.

If you want it to resolve, the effort would probably have to be exerted from your wife and you.

[Allen-T]

It seems like with many families, it's always the youngest child that is the most spoiled.  And you can't change other people.  But it sounds like there's a lot more involved than your neo-Nazi brother still living with your parents at the age of 31. 

How do your parents feel about your brother being a neo-Nazi?  Do they just shrug it off?  Or do they share his views?  Do your parents know of your involvement with JTF?  If so, what do they think? 

Your parents are probably still doting on "their baby."  So I would tell them flat out that you and your wife won't be visiting their home unless your brother removes the nasty stuff he posted about your wife on the internet, and apologizes to the two of you, and stops the insults. Telling them to throw your brother out might be a bit much for them for now. 

Hello Lisa and thanks for the comments. My brother is just afraid to leave home. He has buried himself in deep debt so that he will have an ongoing excuse not to leave. My parents just shrug off my brother's stupid ideas. My father has no interest in what I do, and in fact seems angered and annoyed at any successes that come my way, for example that my wife and I got to Europe every year for 3 weeks-month, they perceive that as we are rolling in money when in fact we are just frugal. I learned that from my wife, I, like my parents was a big waster before I met my wife, no bank account, etc. My mom is very reliant on my father, she won't make decisions without him or take a stand for what is right if my father disapproves. My father for some reason is very jealous of me. He perceives that my business of buying old records for a few bucks a piece and reselling them for sometimes several hundred dollars each as dishonest, not making a real living, etc. He was just a blue collar laborer, it's sick really. I want nothing more than for my son to have infinite times more success than me. The evil comments have been removed. Thanks, Lisa.     

[Dominater96]

Is your brother part of a Neo Nazi group? Aryan Nation? The Klan? How did he become a Neo Nazi like that? Was he brainwashed by some1?

[Allen-T]

Wow your family has a lot of very different characters....but i would say there aren't many options apart from accepting or keeping quiet. Let them shout, rant and rave!! Then after you've responded nicely to them, without being aggravated they will feel extremely guilty and things may cool down, when there is nothing left to argue about. The hardest part is trying to fight your own corner but as long as you know you are morally right, it should be clear as ever that you are right and are MR.Nice guy
It depends on self-control....

I frequently have arguements with my parents but i realised its not worth it, if i respond with an arguement backing my point, it just escalates the drama and things edge into choas! However if i just let it pass and let them shout and call me names without responding but looking slightly hurt....they stop after a while and say sorry, even if it doesn't eliminate the fact that issues constantly arise it calms things down a little.

As for your neo-Nazi brother, he is probably a different person when you aren't there, thats why your parents back him up, you just need to "appear" to find him great and let him get on with what he wants to.

If you want it to resolve, the effort would probably have to be exerted from your wife and you.

Well, as I said I don't really care if it's resolved or not, I just want to do what's right. I disagree that letting people abuse you is a good thing....."I am bigger than you because I stand here and take it". I know that the Bible says that when you return good for evil it's like pouring hot coals over the person, this is what you described, I think. But I have never found that to be the case. Any time I, or I have observed others do this, the evil doer just hates you more because his level of disrespect for you goes UP. My father in law is also a vicious hateful pig I don't entertain. During the time that I did entertain him, the more I smiled and listened to his BS, the more vicious he became, so I cut him off totally. He is the only person alive I use that expression Chaim uses "yamak shmo" about. He is really dreck. But I don't use it often, I know I really shouldn't and obviously it gets my wife angry.    

[Sarah]

Wow your family has a lot of very different characters....but i would say there aren't many options apart from accepting or keeping quiet. Let them shout, rant and rave!! Then after you've responded nicely to them, without being aggravated they will feel extremely guilty and things may cool down, when there is nothing left to argue about. The hardest part is trying to fight your own corner but as long as you know you are morally right, it should be clear as ever that you are right and are MR.Nice guy
It depends on self-control....

I frequently have arguements with my parents but i realised its not worth it, if i respond with an arguement backing my point, it just escalates the drama and things edge into choas! However if i just let it pass and let them shout and call me names without responding but looking slightly hurt....they stop after a while and say sorry, even if it doesn't eliminate the fact that issues constantly arise it calms things down a little.

As for your neo-Nazi brother, he is probably a different person when you aren't there, thats why your parents back him up, you just need to "appear" to find him great and let him get on with what he wants to.

If you want it to resolve, the effort would probably have to be exerted from your wife and you.

Well, as I said I don't really care if it's resolved or not, I just want to do what's right. I disagree that letting people abuse you is a good thing....."I am bigger than you because I stand here and take it". I know that the Bible says that when you return good for evil it's like pouring hot coals over the person, this is what you described, I think. But I have never found that to be the case. Any time I, or I have observed others do this, the evil doer just hates you more because his level of disrespect for you goes UP. My father in law is also a vicious hateful pig I don't entertain. During the time that I did entertain him, the more I smiled and listened to his BS, the more vicious he became, so I cut him off totally. He is the only person alive I use that expression Chaim uses "yamak shmo" about. He is really dreck. But I don't use it often, I know I really shouldn't and obviously it gets my wife angry.    

In that case, follow your brother, catch him doing something very bad -film it-and show your parents as proof. 

I think your parents think its only fair if they side with your brother because it makes it equal in terms of you having your wife for support.

[Allen-T]

Is your brother part of a Neo Nazi group? Aryan Nation? The Klan? How did he become a Neo Nazi like that? Was he brainwashed by some1?

In a nutshell, the story goes like this; He "found Jesus" allegedly after dating some Pastor's daughter, who was one of the phoniest,evil people I ever met. Hated my wife and I, good christian that she was. This was a Lutheren church, need I say more?? So we tell my brother for years, this woman isn't right for you, why aren't you getting married already, she refuses to pray, read the Bible, practices unbiblical psychological meditating and babbling in tongues, bad news. He keeps telling us to mind our own business, etc. Well eventually she up and dumped him just like we told him would happen. So, next thing I know he's dating a Jewish girl. We met her, lovely girl, but not religious and all over my brother. We tried to show him in the Bible where Jew and Gentile don't date,marry,etc, from both perspectives. Go screw he tells us again. She dumps him, surprise, surprise. Then all this neo nazi stuff started. He's just an arse.

[Sarah]

Is your brother part of a Neo Nazi group? Aryan Nation? The Klan? How did he become a Neo Nazi like that? Was he brainwashed by some1?

In a nutshell, the story goes like this; He "found Jesus" allegedly after dating some Pastor's daughter, who was one of the phoniest,evil people I ever met. Hated my wife and I, good christian that she was. This was a Lutheren church, need I say more?? So we tell my brother for years, this woman isn't right for you, why aren't you getting married already, she refuses to pray, read the Bible, practices unbiblical psychological meditating and babbling in tongues, bad news. He keeps telling us to mind our own business, etc. Well eventually she up and dumped him just like we told him would happen. So, next thing I know he's dating a Jewish girl. We met her, lovely girl, but not religious and all over my brother. We tried to show him in the Bible where Jew and Gentile don't date,marry,etc, from both perspectives. Go screw he tells us again. She dumps him, surprise, surprise. Then all this neo nazi stuff started. He's just an arse.

Well no wonder he has issues!:)

[Lisa]

Allen-T,

Whatever you decide to do, remember that your wife and son are now your priority, not your brother or your parents. 

[TheCoon]

Cut ties and live your own life. That's the best advice. Only get involved if they make an effort to cause you problems.

[Allen-T]

Allen-T,

Whatever you decide to do, remember that your wife and son are now your priority, not your brother or your parents. 

Yes, that is my opinion also.

[Sarah]

Allen-T,

Whatever you decide to do, remember that your wife and son are now your priority, not your brother or your parents. 

Surely a relationship with such close relatives is in top ranking!

[Joe Schmo]

Allen:

More information needed.  What did your brother do?  You don't fully explain that to us.

I have no problem believing that your brother is a piece of drek, but at least tell us why.

Just calling him names makes you look like a bully.

I'm sure you have specific reasons.  Please explain.

[nessuno]

Hi Allen T - How does your wife feel about all of this? You seem to have a good partner in her.  What does she want you to do?
Would your parents come to spend time with you - without your brother present? 

I think that sometimes parents give more support to the child they feel is weaker.  They are so busy coddling the one child they forget to give some praise and attention to the other.  They feel one needs it and one doesn't.  It's wrong but they don't even see that they are doing it - it becomes a habit.
You have made a life for yourself - where it sounds like your brother has not.
I don't have advice but I'll keep you in my prayers - I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you decide to make. 

[Daniel]

Sounds like a very tough and complicated situation. It sounds way too involved for any of us to give any type of good advice or solutions. It sounds like the type of thing that would be good to talk about with a professional counselor.

What exactly does your brother do that makes him a neo-nazi?

[newman]

What's the problem they have with your wife........race, ethnicity, religion?

[mosquewatch]

I've spent the last 10 minutes pondering on how to respond. Here it goes.  You asked for opinions and I'm going to give mine. You can not change your parents minds. If they want to enable the nazi and be taken advantage of, there is nothing you can do about it.You are crap out of luck on this. If I were you , I would simply stay away from your brother. Love your parents,and keep in touch with them.

Some would say "love" will bring your brother around. I'm a Christian, but I believe that he has made his bed, let him lay in it. I don't have to hate the person, I just don't want to be around them or associate with them. On a personal level if my Son decided to be a nazi, i'd run him out of the house, with his clothes packed in a suitcase.

You are in a tough situation, as is your family. Stand your ground and keep your principles. Even if it means the loss of a brother, that in my opinion, is not much of a brother or a family member in the first place.

Don't cause your self more grief, by dealing with a situation that you have no control over. Best of wishes to you and yours, I wish the best for you and yours.

[cosmokramer]

I am very sorry allen-t, maybe you should call the police to your parents house to do a welfare check.

[Masha]

Allen-T, I think you should separate your relationship to your brother from your relationship to your parents. Your brother sounds like a piece of work. I am very sorry for you and for your wife, who sounds like a wonderful and worthy lady, to have been exposed to this. But parents cannot choose between their children. In my opinion, you should not involve them in your dispute with your brother - neither appeal to them to intervene, nor give them ultimatums (even though you are the good person in the situation and he is the bad one, of which there is no doubt).

I think you should tell your parents that, given that your brother still lives with them and you cannot stand him nor countenance his views, you can no longer meet with them on their territory. You regret this very much, but this is how it is. But this should not prevent you from seeing them anyway - taking them out for outings and entertaining them in your home. I also believe that you should start talking with your father again and include him in the plans you make with your mother. It is right and proper if you tell him that you find his lack of support of you and your wife very hurtful. He should be made aware of your feelings on these issues in no uncertain terms. But even though he was clearly in the wrong, you should not shut him out of your life. Life is very short, and parents are parents. We owe them a debt of gratitude. It is not uncommon that adult children have conflicts with parents and even serious ideological disagreements. But what can you do? Such is life. 

[Allen-T]

Hi Allen T - How does your wife feel about all of this? You seem to have a good partner in her.  What does she want you to do?
Would your parents come to spend time with you - without your brother present? 

I think that sometimes parents give more support to the child they feel is weaker.  They are so busy coddling the one child they forget to give some praise and attention to the other.  They feel one needs it and one doesn't.  It's wrong but they don't even see that they are doing it - it becomes a habit.
You have made a life for yourself - where it sounds like your brother has not.
I don't have advice but I'll keep you in my prayers - I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you decide to make. 

Thanks you. When my father comes here with my mom, it's always very rushed, he's always looking for the quickest opportunity to leave. You won't believe this, but my 32 year old brother is afraid to take public transportation AND HE IS AS BIG AS ME!!! So, for example, I will make plans in advance with my parents to be here in Brooklyn at noon[they live way out on Long Island]. My brother will tell my father the day before he needs a ride somewhere at 4:00 PM. Rather than tell him to take a freekin bus or the LIRR, they'll show up early and bolt as soon as possible, just so my father can cart this bum somewhere. So I just rent a car now and take my mom out for the day.   

[Allen-T]

Allen:

More information needed.  What did your brother do?  You don't fully explain that to us.

I have no problem believing that your brother is a piece of drek, but at least tell us why.

Just calling him names makes you look like a bully.

I'm sure you have specific reasons.  Please explain.

I could write extensively here, Scriabin, but I am having some issue with my video software that I need to figure out ASAP, suffice it to say he has been consistantly alternately friendly then aggressive to me for a very long time. He has ripped me off financially, spit in my face in front of my son, is horribly jealous of my business and talks crap about that endlessly even when he's trying to be friendly, and on my wedding day borrowed $200 from me rather than give me a gift, which I gave him. I could go on and on. I have only done good for him. His biggest claim is that when I needed a roomate sometime back I chose a friend instead of him. I had good reason for doing that. His stealing from me later on in the particular situation it happened proved my initial decision about that was correct.

[Allen-T]

Hi Allen T - How does your wife feel about all of this? You seem to have a good partner in her.  What does she want you to do?
Would your parents come to spend time with you - without your brother present? 

I think that sometimes parents give more support to the child they feel is weaker.  They are so busy coddling the one child they forget to give some praise and attention to the other.  They feel one needs it and one doesn't.  It's wrong but they don't even see that they are doing it - it becomes a habit.
You have made a life for yourself - where it sounds like your brother has not.
I don't have advice but I'll keep you in my prayers - I hope you can find peace in whatever decision you decide to make. 

Bullcat, my wife wants to see my parents more but agrees with me in general.

[Allen-T]

Sounds like a very tough and complicated situation. It sounds way too involved for any of us to give any type of good advice or solutions. It sounds like the type of thing that would be good to talk about with a professional counselor.

What exactly does your brother do that makes him a neo-nazi?

Curses Jews, praises Hitler, keeps Mein Kampf and the Bible side by side, says my support of JTF is actually me wanting to have anal sex with Jews. do I go on?